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morrigirlI can't get my computer to work. That's probably because I don't have Knox's dial up number at the moment. But Gemma took a look at it and said even that might not help me any since the only way I can get onto the internet is through MSN, and Gemma says they don't have MSN out here! So it may just be that I lugged my fucking laptop out here for nothing :( That would piss me off considerably. I get jealous of all the people with desktops and ethernet cards who can stay online for days at a time and have permanent away messages on their IM's. I want to be one of them.
I've been feeling better ever since I had my big long cry at Kirk's apartment. Clark said I needed the experience in order to make it real. He was right. Going to Kirk's place and knowing that he wasn't there ripped my heart out. I think I needed a very public and intense emotional release in order to begin functioning again.
I went to all my classes today and felt very good about them. Rob Smith is a hoot! The man had me in hysterics today, and the class is made up of such intelligent people I know it will end up being my favorite class.
This is the third day in a row that I haven't cried. On one hand I'm proud of myself and on the other I feel guilty. Guilty that I HAVEN'T been focusing on Kirk these last few days. Don't get me wrong, I still have awful thoughts of him being all alone in the ground every single day, but they don't set me off the way they did just a few days ago. For most of the day I don't even really think of him. Is that wrong? I mean, I'm not over this already am I? Isn't mourning suppose to go on for like, years? Is this just the infamous stage of numbness I've been reading about in all my books? Is this the guilt phase where I feel bad about getting on with my life? Thing is I don't WANT to get on with my life just yet. I mean, I want to function, I want to do well in school and be somewhat social, but for some reason I don't feel comfortable with doing that. I feel like I'm doing some disservice to Kirk's memory by not thinking of him 24/7. Which is absurd of course. I know if Kirk were alive he would want me to be studying hard and not letting anything get in the way of my success. But I still miss him. Even if I'm not shedding tears over him, I still wish he were here. Tonight I feel so lonely, I would kill to be able to cuddle up next to him. He was the best cuddler.
I've been listening to girls bitch about their various romantic dramas for the past few days, and everytime I hear my friends utter a word of contempt or irrtation against the boy of their choice, all I can think is "Be thankful he is alive." Every dilemma sounds so trivial to my ears. I think that may be why I feel weird about going back to life as usual. It all seems so horribly mundane and unimportant now that Kirk is gone. How can I be writing literary criticism or bitching about computer hook ups when my boyfriend is dead? I wish I had him back.
Maybe this is the numbness stage? Maybe I'll go bonkers again when I go home for Christmas and face the reality of all Kirk's Christmas time promises going unfulfilled. God I feel so lonely right now. I wish I had someone to talk to. Only I don't know what I would say other than, "I'm lonely." That's the only sentiment I feel the need to express right now and it's one that I don't think anybody can truly address. I'm romantic lonely and I want to cuddle. But not with anyone other then Kirk :( I know Clark told me to email him whenever I needed to talk and he would call me but...I can't talk right now. I miss Kirk, I want Kirk, and there is nothing more to say about it. Why the hell would anyone want to listen to me prattle on and on about how much I miss him? Of course it's just this sort of mentality that led to Kirk's death. I always told him, whenever you feel depressed or suicidal just call me and I'll take care of you. But when he got depressed he'd think no one WANTED to talk to him, so he would never ask for help. Eh, if I'm still feeling iffy tomorrow maybe I'll email Clark.
Ya know who else I'm missing really bad tonight? Phil. I just have this feeling that Phil would know exactly how to make me feel better.
God I just want everyone to myself right now!
G'night
I've been feeling better ever since I had my big long cry at Kirk's apartment. Clark said I needed the experience in order to make it real. He was right. Going to Kirk's place and knowing that he wasn't there ripped my heart out. I think I needed a very public and intense emotional release in order to begin functioning again.
I went to all my classes today and felt very good about them. Rob Smith is a hoot! The man had me in hysterics today, and the class is made up of such intelligent people I know it will end up being my favorite class.
This is the third day in a row that I haven't cried. On one hand I'm proud of myself and on the other I feel guilty. Guilty that I HAVEN'T been focusing on Kirk these last few days. Don't get me wrong, I still have awful thoughts of him being all alone in the ground every single day, but they don't set me off the way they did just a few days ago. For most of the day I don't even really think of him. Is that wrong? I mean, I'm not over this already am I? Isn't mourning suppose to go on for like, years? Is this just the infamous stage of numbness I've been reading about in all my books? Is this the guilt phase where I feel bad about getting on with my life? Thing is I don't WANT to get on with my life just yet. I mean, I want to function, I want to do well in school and be somewhat social, but for some reason I don't feel comfortable with doing that. I feel like I'm doing some disservice to Kirk's memory by not thinking of him 24/7. Which is absurd of course. I know if Kirk were alive he would want me to be studying hard and not letting anything get in the way of my success. But I still miss him. Even if I'm not shedding tears over him, I still wish he were here. Tonight I feel so lonely, I would kill to be able to cuddle up next to him. He was the best cuddler.
I've been listening to girls bitch about their various romantic dramas for the past few days, and everytime I hear my friends utter a word of contempt or irrtation against the boy of their choice, all I can think is "Be thankful he is alive." Every dilemma sounds so trivial to my ears. I think that may be why I feel weird about going back to life as usual. It all seems so horribly mundane and unimportant now that Kirk is gone. How can I be writing literary criticism or bitching about computer hook ups when my boyfriend is dead? I wish I had him back.
Maybe this is the numbness stage? Maybe I'll go bonkers again when I go home for Christmas and face the reality of all Kirk's Christmas time promises going unfulfilled. God I feel so lonely right now. I wish I had someone to talk to. Only I don't know what I would say other than, "I'm lonely." That's the only sentiment I feel the need to express right now and it's one that I don't think anybody can truly address. I'm romantic lonely and I want to cuddle. But not with anyone other then Kirk :( I know Clark told me to email him whenever I needed to talk and he would call me but...I can't talk right now. I miss Kirk, I want Kirk, and there is nothing more to say about it. Why the hell would anyone want to listen to me prattle on and on about how much I miss him? Of course it's just this sort of mentality that led to Kirk's death. I always told him, whenever you feel depressed or suicidal just call me and I'll take care of you. But when he got depressed he'd think no one WANTED to talk to him, so he would never ask for help. Eh, if I'm still feeling iffy tomorrow maybe I'll email Clark.
Ya know who else I'm missing really bad tonight? Phil. I just have this feeling that Phil would know exactly how to make me feel better.
God I just want everyone to myself right now!
G'night
