An Email to Kirk
Aug. 18th, 2002 04:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlJust wrote this long ass email to Kirk. I think it explains all the stuff thats REALLY been bothing me over the past few days.
Hi Kirk,
Can I talk to you?
I just have so many thoughts going through my head and it's 4 in the morning and I need to vent them and I think you may understand some of my conflict.
First I'm sorry I couldn't hang out with you the other day. I've just been really Really REALLY depressed. I've literally been sleeping all day, not getting out of my bed except to use the bathroom, not eating very well, feeling hopeless and confused, having lots of stuff in my head but no one to talk to about it. I haven't really wanted to be around people. I've been feeling like I've alienated all my friends, that no one wants to hear me whine, and no one really cares. So of course those thoughts only make me isolate myself more, hence me being holed up in my room for several days.
I wish I could get a regular therapist and a decent psychiatrist so that I could actually start "recovering," whatever that is. But as is my impending return to school is makes any form of extended treatment impossible.
And school I think, plays a big part in the sudden onslaught of depression I've had this week. The first day is rapidly approaching and I still don't feel emotionally stable enough to go back. I know in the condition I'm in now there is no way I could deal with the 24/7 schedule of class and studying that full time college requires. I can't bear the idea of devoting every minute of my life for the next year to trying to get good grades. It just all seems so futile and pointless. I mean, I've already learned all the things I went away to college to learn. All I have left are stupid core requirements that hold no interest for me. Why would I want to go back and stress myself over a bunch of shit I don't even care about? And for what? So I can spend the next ten years of my life in dead end jobs since BA's basically do shit for you nowadays? Hell I could do that without a fucking degree.
Plus I have the three incompletes I took spring term looming over my head. Again, They are all classes I care nothing about, and have no motivation to get started on, even though they are all due in three weeks.
All I want is to get a job, make some money and move out of my mom's house. That's all I want right now. I want to be able to have something to do during the day, that I don't have to take home with me at night. I want to work, I want to rest, I want to do it without feeling bad about myself.
I really don't want to go back to school Kirk. I've said this before at various points in my academic career but this time it's real, the future just looks too bleak and doesn't fit with the goals I've currently set for myself. Do you think it's worth it to quit school? I mean, you would know. Do you ever regret having dropped out of Stonybrook? Or was it the right thing for you to do? Do you think I'd have a snow balls chance in hell of finding a job in this damn city with it's failing economy? I'm just so confused and need the advice of someone who has been there.
I'm sorry this email was so long. Sheesh, I commend you for getting through it. I think I'm ready to come out of my shell again. I'd really like to get together and...I dunno, talk in person I guess. I'd really like to go out to eat. There's this little Italian restaurant on Bleeker Street that I try to go to at least once everytime I come home and i haven't gone yet this summer. I really want to. I'd like to take you there. It's not an expensive joint by NY standards, you can feed two people there for under 20 bucks, but since i know you are short on cash, I'll offer to pay since I want to go out and I want to go THERE! I wanted to take you there tonight, only you didn't call me back so I can only assume you are out at you Mom's this weekend.
Anyway, yeah, write back and call me or something. I need to talk. I need a friend.
Take care, hope you are doing well,
Carla
PS Okay this has nothing to do with anything but when am I gonna get to see YOUR online journal huh?
Hi Kirk,
Can I talk to you?
I just have so many thoughts going through my head and it's 4 in the morning and I need to vent them and I think you may understand some of my conflict.
First I'm sorry I couldn't hang out with you the other day. I've just been really Really REALLY depressed. I've literally been sleeping all day, not getting out of my bed except to use the bathroom, not eating very well, feeling hopeless and confused, having lots of stuff in my head but no one to talk to about it. I haven't really wanted to be around people. I've been feeling like I've alienated all my friends, that no one wants to hear me whine, and no one really cares. So of course those thoughts only make me isolate myself more, hence me being holed up in my room for several days.
I wish I could get a regular therapist and a decent psychiatrist so that I could actually start "recovering," whatever that is. But as is my impending return to school is makes any form of extended treatment impossible.
And school I think, plays a big part in the sudden onslaught of depression I've had this week. The first day is rapidly approaching and I still don't feel emotionally stable enough to go back. I know in the condition I'm in now there is no way I could deal with the 24/7 schedule of class and studying that full time college requires. I can't bear the idea of devoting every minute of my life for the next year to trying to get good grades. It just all seems so futile and pointless. I mean, I've already learned all the things I went away to college to learn. All I have left are stupid core requirements that hold no interest for me. Why would I want to go back and stress myself over a bunch of shit I don't even care about? And for what? So I can spend the next ten years of my life in dead end jobs since BA's basically do shit for you nowadays? Hell I could do that without a fucking degree.
Plus I have the three incompletes I took spring term looming over my head. Again, They are all classes I care nothing about, and have no motivation to get started on, even though they are all due in three weeks.
All I want is to get a job, make some money and move out of my mom's house. That's all I want right now. I want to be able to have something to do during the day, that I don't have to take home with me at night. I want to work, I want to rest, I want to do it without feeling bad about myself.
I really don't want to go back to school Kirk. I've said this before at various points in my academic career but this time it's real, the future just looks too bleak and doesn't fit with the goals I've currently set for myself. Do you think it's worth it to quit school? I mean, you would know. Do you ever regret having dropped out of Stonybrook? Or was it the right thing for you to do? Do you think I'd have a snow balls chance in hell of finding a job in this damn city with it's failing economy? I'm just so confused and need the advice of someone who has been there.
I'm sorry this email was so long. Sheesh, I commend you for getting through it. I think I'm ready to come out of my shell again. I'd really like to get together and...I dunno, talk in person I guess. I'd really like to go out to eat. There's this little Italian restaurant on Bleeker Street that I try to go to at least once everytime I come home and i haven't gone yet this summer. I really want to. I'd like to take you there. It's not an expensive joint by NY standards, you can feed two people there for under 20 bucks, but since i know you are short on cash, I'll offer to pay since I want to go out and I want to go THERE! I wanted to take you there tonight, only you didn't call me back so I can only assume you are out at you Mom's this weekend.
Anyway, yeah, write back and call me or something. I need to talk. I need a friend.
Take care, hope you are doing well,
Carla
PS Okay this has nothing to do with anything but when am I gonna get to see YOUR online journal huh?
