Lonesome Day
Aug. 14th, 2002 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlSlept all day. Went to bed at 6 AM, woke up at 2 in the afternoon, stayed up to watch News Radio, went back to bed at 3 PM, and woke up again at 6 in the evening. At this point I've only been conscious for three and a half hours total.
Hung out with Alan and Derek last night. I didn't really have fun. Something just didn't feel right. They connect so easily with each other, and I just felt like the third wheel. I had nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I felt like such a bore. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Same for Kirk. He came over a couple days ago, and things just didn't feel right. I wanted so bad for him to like me, but now I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I was a lousy hostess the day he was here. We cuddled a bit but he wouldn't go any further, and when I tried to get him to he only laughed, which made me feel stupid. I'm beginning to feel stupid whenever I spend time with him. I think he likes me as a friend, but doesn't have the emotional capacity to be more to me. It's disappointing, but I'm not crushed. At least I hadn't thrown my whole heart into it yet.
I don't want to spend time with any of them for a while. I just feel all wrong with them. Alan, and Kirk, Alan and Derek, they all just connect so eaily and have such fun together. I don't think I'm much fun for any of them. It would be better for all involved if I just left them alone. Ten they wouldn't have to feel like they had to take care of or entertain me, and I wouldn't have to feel like such a reject.
I talked to Tina on the phone last night. I miss her. She is going back to Knox this weekend. It was so nice to speak to her. She loves me. She told me what a transformative experience Chautauqua has been for her. She sounds like she's really going to make the most of this final year. I envy her for it. She just has so much mnotivation and exhuberence. And I have nothing. She's finally getting rid of her misery and I'm wallowing in mine. I wish I could be like her.
Hung out with Alan and Derek last night. I didn't really have fun. Something just didn't feel right. They connect so easily with each other, and I just felt like the third wheel. I had nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I felt like such a bore. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Same for Kirk. He came over a couple days ago, and things just didn't feel right. I wanted so bad for him to like me, but now I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I was a lousy hostess the day he was here. We cuddled a bit but he wouldn't go any further, and when I tried to get him to he only laughed, which made me feel stupid. I'm beginning to feel stupid whenever I spend time with him. I think he likes me as a friend, but doesn't have the emotional capacity to be more to me. It's disappointing, but I'm not crushed. At least I hadn't thrown my whole heart into it yet.
I don't want to spend time with any of them for a while. I just feel all wrong with them. Alan, and Kirk, Alan and Derek, they all just connect so eaily and have such fun together. I don't think I'm much fun for any of them. It would be better for all involved if I just left them alone. Ten they wouldn't have to feel like they had to take care of or entertain me, and I wouldn't have to feel like such a reject.
I talked to Tina on the phone last night. I miss her. She is going back to Knox this weekend. It was so nice to speak to her. She loves me. She told me what a transformative experience Chautauqua has been for her. She sounds like she's really going to make the most of this final year. I envy her for it. She just has so much mnotivation and exhuberence. And I have nothing. She's finally getting rid of her misery and I'm wallowing in mine. I wish I could be like her.
