Hambre del Alma
Jul. 18th, 2002 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirl7 minutes after they wheeled me into the ward, and I faced off with a very rude in-take nurse, I knew I had made a mistake. 12 hours after they had wheeled me onto the ward I began to think that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.
I forgot how quickly friendships form on psychiatric wards. It's a community of poeple at their very worst, who have lost everything. And people are much more honest and daring when they have nothing to hide or protect. I met some of the most wonderful people in my five days on Reiss 2. Mike (34, wanted to commit suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him,) Alan (60, retired psychiatrist with manic-depression. Sharp guy. It was nice to have a shrink on the inside, someone who knew all the tricks and told us all the things our regular doctors wouldn't.) Derek (30, substance abuser) N'hai (36 homeless and terribly codependent manic depressive and substance abuser.) These people made up my support system while I was at St. Vincent's. They were all beautiful loving people who I hope to stay in contact with now that I am out.
In-patient wasn't really what I expected it to be. I was thinking I'd get some kind of therapy there. Au contraire, all they do is perscribe medication. That's it. I received no therapy, no coping skills, they just gave me Zoloft and then watched me sit around all day trying to entertain myself. Kind of counter productive if you ask me. But as I hinted before, the social aspect of being on the ward was very healing. This past week I realized that I haven't had any face to face contact with anybody other then my immediate family since I came home from school. I haven't seen any of my friends, I haven't met anyone new. I've just cocooned myself in this apartment for a month. Meeting new people forced me to come out of my shell and to be the out going person I have been known on occasion to be. Right before I left the ward one of my doctors actually commented on how popular I was around there. Maybe I should be hospitalized more often :)
But the lack of real help on the ward did make it very hard to come home yesterday. I walked into my house and all the same problems were still sitting there. My relationship with my mom, my incompletes, my messy room, it was all still there and I had no new insights on how to deal with them. I didn't cry the whole time I was on the ward. I cried twice after coming home yesterday.
I was so upset I tried to call Kirk, but he must have his cellphone turned off because everytime I try I get an automated message saying "This subscriber is not recieving calls right now." Kirk is probably the most important person I met at St. Vincent's. He is 28 and was the youngest person on Reiss 2 besides myself. He was there because he had tried to kill himself by swallowing a bottle of pills. Kirk is insanely smart, talented, funny, charming, sweet, honest, compassionate, contemplative, caring, bright, and he has the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Yes, prettier then Clark's. To put it simply, I fancy Kirk. He and I became friendly almost immediately, and spent most of Sat. Sun. and Mon. talking and being interested in each other. I'd say we were flirting, only we weren't. More like we were making eyes at each other so to speak. We weren't playing games with each other but we were being caring in a way that made it obvious to us and apparently everyone else on the ward, that we really liked each other.
I was hoping to call him yesterday and ask if he wanted to go out for dinner or something, but like I said, his phone is turned off and this both scares me and pisses me off. I don't like the idea of him being alone in his apartment. He should be getting out. It think I'm going to call Alan back on the ward today and ask him if he has an email address for Kirk. If he isn't answering his phone maybe he's checking email.
I'm not sure what to do now. I have a shrink appointment next week. I'm stabalized on my medication. But I still don't have the mental tools to straighten out my life.
I have new friends. Other then that I'm not any better off then when I entered the emergency room.
I forgot how quickly friendships form on psychiatric wards. It's a community of poeple at their very worst, who have lost everything. And people are much more honest and daring when they have nothing to hide or protect. I met some of the most wonderful people in my five days on Reiss 2. Mike (34, wanted to commit suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him,) Alan (60, retired psychiatrist with manic-depression. Sharp guy. It was nice to have a shrink on the inside, someone who knew all the tricks and told us all the things our regular doctors wouldn't.) Derek (30, substance abuser) N'hai (36 homeless and terribly codependent manic depressive and substance abuser.) These people made up my support system while I was at St. Vincent's. They were all beautiful loving people who I hope to stay in contact with now that I am out.
In-patient wasn't really what I expected it to be. I was thinking I'd get some kind of therapy there. Au contraire, all they do is perscribe medication. That's it. I received no therapy, no coping skills, they just gave me Zoloft and then watched me sit around all day trying to entertain myself. Kind of counter productive if you ask me. But as I hinted before, the social aspect of being on the ward was very healing. This past week I realized that I haven't had any face to face contact with anybody other then my immediate family since I came home from school. I haven't seen any of my friends, I haven't met anyone new. I've just cocooned myself in this apartment for a month. Meeting new people forced me to come out of my shell and to be the out going person I have been known on occasion to be. Right before I left the ward one of my doctors actually commented on how popular I was around there. Maybe I should be hospitalized more often :)
But the lack of real help on the ward did make it very hard to come home yesterday. I walked into my house and all the same problems were still sitting there. My relationship with my mom, my incompletes, my messy room, it was all still there and I had no new insights on how to deal with them. I didn't cry the whole time I was on the ward. I cried twice after coming home yesterday.
I was so upset I tried to call Kirk, but he must have his cellphone turned off because everytime I try I get an automated message saying "This subscriber is not recieving calls right now." Kirk is probably the most important person I met at St. Vincent's. He is 28 and was the youngest person on Reiss 2 besides myself. He was there because he had tried to kill himself by swallowing a bottle of pills. Kirk is insanely smart, talented, funny, charming, sweet, honest, compassionate, contemplative, caring, bright, and he has the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Yes, prettier then Clark's. To put it simply, I fancy Kirk. He and I became friendly almost immediately, and spent most of Sat. Sun. and Mon. talking and being interested in each other. I'd say we were flirting, only we weren't. More like we were making eyes at each other so to speak. We weren't playing games with each other but we were being caring in a way that made it obvious to us and apparently everyone else on the ward, that we really liked each other.
I was hoping to call him yesterday and ask if he wanted to go out for dinner or something, but like I said, his phone is turned off and this both scares me and pisses me off. I don't like the idea of him being alone in his apartment. He should be getting out. It think I'm going to call Alan back on the ward today and ask him if he has an email address for Kirk. If he isn't answering his phone maybe he's checking email.
I'm not sure what to do now. I have a shrink appointment next week. I'm stabalized on my medication. But I still don't have the mental tools to straighten out my life.
I have new friends. Other then that I'm not any better off then when I entered the emergency room.
