Postulate my Wumpus
May. 14th, 2002 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlJust got back from a 7 hour rehersal. Yes, you heard me correctly, 7 hours. Like I said earlier, we had ALOT of stuff to work out! But now thanks to our perserverence the show is running much smoother. We re-worked the whole rumpus scene and now it is SPECTACULAR! And that's a blessings seeing as we open on THURSDAY! YIKES!
We did full make up and costume tonight. The shadow make up is AWESOME! It's all black and gray streaks up and down our faces, and they are all blended together. It's very satanic. And Mary teased my hair up all 80's like. Everyone commented on how scary/sexy I looked!
It's been so long since I've done a show, I'd forgotten how randy theater people can get. I was flirting with Krista all night, and at one point Chris Nelson was scratching my back and decided to un-hook my bra just cause he could.
I'm exhausted but content. It was good that I had something to focus on all night long aside from Kevin's latest rejection. I was planning on going to class tomorrow since we are beginning discussion of Beloved. But I'm so tired I don't think I will. This is awful. I have to talk to Dean Bailey, I need him to tell me if there is anything I can do to just...STOP everything. Class is killing me, work is killing me, I'm going numb and that's not good. It was so weird today. Kevin told me he didn't want me, I cried for like half and hour, and then, nothing. I just felt nothing. I still feel nothing. I know I've been rejected, I know I think I'm scum. But I don't feel it. O'Connor says depression itself is an absence of feeling, it's a process that prevents us from feeling our emotions.
I'm getting scared of myself.
I wonder if Kev will read this? That's something I haven't wondered in a while since I was so sure he had stopped reading. But he told me today that he HAS been reading. I wonder if he will care about anything I have to say about this? Truth is I don't really have anything to say about it. Not about him at any rate.
I'm a bit disturbed that my first impulse after really losing someone is simply to run out and find someone else. I don't want to be so insecure that I can't bear being single. I've never minded being single before. I just feel very vulnerable right now. I wish I had a lover to hold me up. I don't know why. It's like I'm helpless, for the first time ever I feel like I can't do this on my own even though O'Connor says you HAVE to do it alone, and De Grandis says you can't be loved until you love yourself. But in the past I have loved myself to pieces, and no one came. I've adored myself, and the wrong man has fallen into my lap. Maybe I need to be more discriminating.
Maybe I will stay up just long enough to do a few cleasing rites. I have so much negativity in my bones. I need Goddess to wash it out.
We did full make up and costume tonight. The shadow make up is AWESOME! It's all black and gray streaks up and down our faces, and they are all blended together. It's very satanic. And Mary teased my hair up all 80's like. Everyone commented on how scary/sexy I looked!
It's been so long since I've done a show, I'd forgotten how randy theater people can get. I was flirting with Krista all night, and at one point Chris Nelson was scratching my back and decided to un-hook my bra just cause he could.
I'm exhausted but content. It was good that I had something to focus on all night long aside from Kevin's latest rejection. I was planning on going to class tomorrow since we are beginning discussion of Beloved. But I'm so tired I don't think I will. This is awful. I have to talk to Dean Bailey, I need him to tell me if there is anything I can do to just...STOP everything. Class is killing me, work is killing me, I'm going numb and that's not good. It was so weird today. Kevin told me he didn't want me, I cried for like half and hour, and then, nothing. I just felt nothing. I still feel nothing. I know I've been rejected, I know I think I'm scum. But I don't feel it. O'Connor says depression itself is an absence of feeling, it's a process that prevents us from feeling our emotions.
I'm getting scared of myself.
I wonder if Kev will read this? That's something I haven't wondered in a while since I was so sure he had stopped reading. But he told me today that he HAS been reading. I wonder if he will care about anything I have to say about this? Truth is I don't really have anything to say about it. Not about him at any rate.
I'm a bit disturbed that my first impulse after really losing someone is simply to run out and find someone else. I don't want to be so insecure that I can't bear being single. I've never minded being single before. I just feel very vulnerable right now. I wish I had a lover to hold me up. I don't know why. It's like I'm helpless, for the first time ever I feel like I can't do this on my own even though O'Connor says you HAVE to do it alone, and De Grandis says you can't be loved until you love yourself. But in the past I have loved myself to pieces, and no one came. I've adored myself, and the wrong man has fallen into my lap. Maybe I need to be more discriminating.
Maybe I will stay up just long enough to do a few cleasing rites. I have so much negativity in my bones. I need Goddess to wash it out.
