What Makes Me Different
Apr. 2nd, 2002 06:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlDear Goddess,
I think I'm evil. I know that sounds really stupid seeing as nothing is really good or evil, at least not in your eyes. Everything is made up of energy and all energy is neutral. Good or evil is in the heart of the magician. Only she can charge energy towards an evil purpose.
But I am a product of western culture. And in western christianized society light represents goodness and dark is equal to evilness. I can't pretend I have not assimilated these ideas. I have been feeling incredibly dark lately, therefore I must be evil. Well, that's what I think anyway.
My darkness touches everyone. It's like I'm a disease. I can never make people happy, I cannot make them laugh, I can't even mildly amuse them. My silence makes them uncomfortable. When I talk all I do is spread worry, uneasiness, helplessness, and frustration. Nobody wants to deal with me and truthfully no one should have to. That's why I have decided not to pursue Adrienne after all. She does not deserve to have me ruin her spring term with all my gloom.
I have been spending a lot of time in my room with the shades drawn. Darkness is comforting now. It feels safer then daylight. I love my sleep, being unconscious, not having to worry. Even nightmares are preferable to reality. At least in nightmares my mistakes are not my fault.
Goddess, why hast thou foresaken me? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I cannot feel you. I feel you in flashes. In a faint breeze, somewhere between sleeping and waking, by the trees. But you do not stay, and you do not offer me help. You tell me that I am wonderful, that I am not at fault, that I am strong and everything you have ever wanted me to be.
But down here it is not your opinion that counts. I hate to say it but it's true. I don't feel as though I am anything that the people I care about wanted. I'm not what my mother wanted. I am not pretty nor particularly talented or moral. I try to make her proud of me, to make her love me the way I need to be loved but nothing I do seems to help. I will always be a disappointment to her.
I try to gain love and win acceptance, but these days I feel like an outsider. My school friends are drifting away from me, and though one part of me is sad, another is happy. I feel as though this part of my life needs to be over. I have had enough college. I will be afraid to move on, but I won't be afraid to leave. But I am stuck here for another year, a year in which I will have fewer friends and even less patience. I feel trapped.
And I have tried so hard to form a lasting relationship with someone. Yet I can't seem to maintain one. My darkness drives them away. Always. Ironically it is this darknesss that draws to me the most self-involved and manipulative individuals, people who are in no way equipped to assist a mentally unstable individual. I don't know if the fault lies with me or my partners. We always seem to feed off of each other. The pain becomes cyclical. I have asked you for an answer Goddess and you have given me none.
All I want is a normal life. It's all I've ever wanted. I want to be loved and accepted. All of my attempts to construct tight cliques for myself are a sign of this. I want security. Wearing the same cloths everyday back in JHS is a sign of this. My mother's moods were so changeable I felt like I always had to be on guard. I could not be sure of her, but I could be sure of my clothing. And my TV shows, and my routine.
Goddess, tell me how to create these things for myself. If you are out there show yourself. Answer my plea. Otherwise, relieve my pain, and take me out of this.
Carla
I think I'm evil. I know that sounds really stupid seeing as nothing is really good or evil, at least not in your eyes. Everything is made up of energy and all energy is neutral. Good or evil is in the heart of the magician. Only she can charge energy towards an evil purpose.
But I am a product of western culture. And in western christianized society light represents goodness and dark is equal to evilness. I can't pretend I have not assimilated these ideas. I have been feeling incredibly dark lately, therefore I must be evil. Well, that's what I think anyway.
My darkness touches everyone. It's like I'm a disease. I can never make people happy, I cannot make them laugh, I can't even mildly amuse them. My silence makes them uncomfortable. When I talk all I do is spread worry, uneasiness, helplessness, and frustration. Nobody wants to deal with me and truthfully no one should have to. That's why I have decided not to pursue Adrienne after all. She does not deserve to have me ruin her spring term with all my gloom.
I have been spending a lot of time in my room with the shades drawn. Darkness is comforting now. It feels safer then daylight. I love my sleep, being unconscious, not having to worry. Even nightmares are preferable to reality. At least in nightmares my mistakes are not my fault.
Goddess, why hast thou foresaken me? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I cannot feel you. I feel you in flashes. In a faint breeze, somewhere between sleeping and waking, by the trees. But you do not stay, and you do not offer me help. You tell me that I am wonderful, that I am not at fault, that I am strong and everything you have ever wanted me to be.
But down here it is not your opinion that counts. I hate to say it but it's true. I don't feel as though I am anything that the people I care about wanted. I'm not what my mother wanted. I am not pretty nor particularly talented or moral. I try to make her proud of me, to make her love me the way I need to be loved but nothing I do seems to help. I will always be a disappointment to her.
I try to gain love and win acceptance, but these days I feel like an outsider. My school friends are drifting away from me, and though one part of me is sad, another is happy. I feel as though this part of my life needs to be over. I have had enough college. I will be afraid to move on, but I won't be afraid to leave. But I am stuck here for another year, a year in which I will have fewer friends and even less patience. I feel trapped.
And I have tried so hard to form a lasting relationship with someone. Yet I can't seem to maintain one. My darkness drives them away. Always. Ironically it is this darknesss that draws to me the most self-involved and manipulative individuals, people who are in no way equipped to assist a mentally unstable individual. I don't know if the fault lies with me or my partners. We always seem to feed off of each other. The pain becomes cyclical. I have asked you for an answer Goddess and you have given me none.
All I want is a normal life. It's all I've ever wanted. I want to be loved and accepted. All of my attempts to construct tight cliques for myself are a sign of this. I want security. Wearing the same cloths everyday back in JHS is a sign of this. My mother's moods were so changeable I felt like I always had to be on guard. I could not be sure of her, but I could be sure of my clothing. And my TV shows, and my routine.
Goddess, tell me how to create these things for myself. If you are out there show yourself. Answer my plea. Otherwise, relieve my pain, and take me out of this.
Carla
