Crown of Thorns
Apr. 1st, 2002 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlHi there,
The title for this entry is taken from the song Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns by Mother Love Bone off the soundtrack to the movie Singles. I've had it in my head for days. It is such a gut wrenching song. That piano intro just rips my guts out everytime I hear it. I feel like that piano is echoing how I've been feeling. If you want to know what I've been like in days past I advise that you go listen to that song RIGHT NOW!!!!
And the lyrics are so telling....
"This is my kind of love,
It's the kind that moves on,
It's the kind that leaves me alone."
That is so me. Really it is. Tonight in Portfolio I had something of a realization about myself. Everyone was going around reading their Borges pieces. I wasn't very happy with the way mine came out so I declined. I was the only person who did not share her work with the rest of the class. But I guess thats just the kind of person I am, the kind I have always been. The one who always shields her hand, who never shares her deepest parts with anyone.
Really I don't. My writing is the closest thing I have to me and I've very choosy about who I let read it. I don't like getting close to people because it is dangerous. If people are close they can hurt you. So the lyrics I copied above are true to my habits. I think to some extent I enjoy quick and superficial relationships. They allow me to have my fun and run. Scaring people away keeps me in the victim role so it never looks like I had any role in my victimization.
On a related note I heard from Heather, Tina, and Cynthia that Adrienne KNOWS I like her. Apparently a conversation took place that all three were privy to. Adrienne told Cynthia that I have been very obviously flirting with her (yay she noticed!) Cynthia was all like, Go for it girl, but Adrienne was a little hesitent and no one was sure why.
Everyone thinks this should give me encourgaement but it doesn't. If I'm not sure and she's not sure, maybe this just isn't the time. I'm afriad this will turn into Erin, or Marc where I have people on my back all the time to make a move before I feel ready to. I believe in fate. And i believe that everything thats suppose to happen, will. I also know that I've been feeling really cruddy lately, I'm a mess and I'm definitely not in the best shape to be romantically or physically involved with anyone. I think it may be better just to abstain until I can get myself back, no matter how long that takes.
These are just some thoughts.
On to the days events.
I got a package from mom today, my Easter package. In it were cadbury creme eggs, (yum,) a chocolate bunny, new Victoria's Secret underwear, and a little stuffed bunny. The bunny is so cute and soft. I carried it around with me all day. I asked a lot of people what I should name him. Bryce suggested Harvey, Hocenfeffer, and Alfalfa, none of which really suited him. Cynthia made the best suggestion by far. She said THOR! So that's what I have named him, Thor the Wonder bunny :)
I was walking home from GDH this afternoon. I cut across the lawn, the sun was bright and there was a nice breeze blowing. And I just strolled and admired the trees. It's been a while since I have remembered to admire trees. It felt really nice just to walk and be able to notice the beauty around me while at the same time feeling myself to be part of that beauty. I was beautiful because I was allowing myself to be there with the trees and the sun and the breeze for that one moment. For one second I was right there, and no place else. :)
The title for this entry is taken from the song Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns by Mother Love Bone off the soundtrack to the movie Singles. I've had it in my head for days. It is such a gut wrenching song. That piano intro just rips my guts out everytime I hear it. I feel like that piano is echoing how I've been feeling. If you want to know what I've been like in days past I advise that you go listen to that song RIGHT NOW!!!!
And the lyrics are so telling....
"This is my kind of love,
It's the kind that moves on,
It's the kind that leaves me alone."
That is so me. Really it is. Tonight in Portfolio I had something of a realization about myself. Everyone was going around reading their Borges pieces. I wasn't very happy with the way mine came out so I declined. I was the only person who did not share her work with the rest of the class. But I guess thats just the kind of person I am, the kind I have always been. The one who always shields her hand, who never shares her deepest parts with anyone.
Really I don't. My writing is the closest thing I have to me and I've very choosy about who I let read it. I don't like getting close to people because it is dangerous. If people are close they can hurt you. So the lyrics I copied above are true to my habits. I think to some extent I enjoy quick and superficial relationships. They allow me to have my fun and run. Scaring people away keeps me in the victim role so it never looks like I had any role in my victimization.
On a related note I heard from Heather, Tina, and Cynthia that Adrienne KNOWS I like her. Apparently a conversation took place that all three were privy to. Adrienne told Cynthia that I have been very obviously flirting with her (yay she noticed!) Cynthia was all like, Go for it girl, but Adrienne was a little hesitent and no one was sure why.
Everyone thinks this should give me encourgaement but it doesn't. If I'm not sure and she's not sure, maybe this just isn't the time. I'm afriad this will turn into Erin, or Marc where I have people on my back all the time to make a move before I feel ready to. I believe in fate. And i believe that everything thats suppose to happen, will. I also know that I've been feeling really cruddy lately, I'm a mess and I'm definitely not in the best shape to be romantically or physically involved with anyone. I think it may be better just to abstain until I can get myself back, no matter how long that takes.
These are just some thoughts.
On to the days events.
I got a package from mom today, my Easter package. In it were cadbury creme eggs, (yum,) a chocolate bunny, new Victoria's Secret underwear, and a little stuffed bunny. The bunny is so cute and soft. I carried it around with me all day. I asked a lot of people what I should name him. Bryce suggested Harvey, Hocenfeffer, and Alfalfa, none of which really suited him. Cynthia made the best suggestion by far. She said THOR! So that's what I have named him, Thor the Wonder bunny :)
I was walking home from GDH this afternoon. I cut across the lawn, the sun was bright and there was a nice breeze blowing. And I just strolled and admired the trees. It's been a while since I have remembered to admire trees. It felt really nice just to walk and be able to notice the beauty around me while at the same time feeling myself to be part of that beauty. I was beautiful because I was allowing myself to be there with the trees and the sun and the breeze for that one moment. For one second I was right there, and no place else. :)
