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morrigirlRough night, rough night.
I've got so much to say and write and think about I really don't know where to begin. Well Carla, at the beginning, where else?
The FINAL conversation with Kevin went on a lot longer and got a lot nastier than I wanted it to. The whole time I wanted him to show some sort of interest in getting me to stay. But he didn't. He just kept making me feel guilty for thinking and feeling the things I do. And once we decided that yes, this is final we are saying goodbye, we still kept throwing in final one liners, trying to get the last word for like another 15 minutes. I think we were both sort of waiting for the other to say "no I apologize take me back" which neither of us felt that we should have to say. It was base, it was childish, it was clear that ending it was a good idea.
Even so, the minute he signed off I started to cry. At first I wasn't sure why. Earlier in the day I had been really gung ho about ending it, I felt totally confident in the decision, but the second it was finished I just wanted to call him and beg to be taken back. Luckily Gemma and Gayle were around to talk me out of it. Eventually I figured out it wasn't him I was crying for, it was myself. Breaking up with another guy seemed to prove once again that there is something inherently wrong with me. I mean, let's examine this. My longest relationships I have only been able to maintain by being completely fake, by not expressing my feelings or emotions, by putting up a front, by not being myself in any way shape or form. So the past few years I have been working on being myself in relationships. Whenever I start to be me, when I say what I think and let all the ugliness that is inside of me out, I get broken up with. So therefore me-as-i-am must be defective in some way. And I don't know what that way is, no one can tell me what it is nor can they tell me how to fix it.
So I blathered on about all of that to Gayle and Gemma while crying my eyes out. They tried to tell me how great I am and blah blah blah but I just wasn't hearing it. I can't believe it. If there wasn't something wrong with me this wouldn't keep happening.
I kept crying harder and harder and then an idea I hadn't had since September, and before that since I was 14, slipped into my head. The thought that the world would just be a better place without me. That I could just run a razor over my wrist and I wouldn't have to feel defective anymore. Well that thought scared the shit out of me. And it just continued to get more and more intense. So around 5 after having been crying for a good hour I left my room and went to the Gizmo because I was too afraid of staying alone in a place where I knew there were razors handy.
At the Giz, I curled up on one of the couches and cried into the cushions. The Gizmo is actually a very good place to cry. You wouldn't think it is since its so public, but I discovered yesterday that normally it's so noisy, no one can hear you sobbing. So there I am crying hysterically on the couch. And then I start thinking about the razors again, a lot more in depth now. About how much easier it would be on my family not to have to support me financially, how happy all my enemies would be to have me gone. And then I thought of the phrase "Everyone loves you when you are dead." It's a very true statement. And I thought of how guilty people would feel if I died, and how much they would miss me. And I thought that I would only ever recieve the kind of love I crave in death. And this calmed me. I even stopped crying for a little while and just sat comfortably in the feeling that thought gave me.
Mind you all the while iIam quite aware of how blazingly fucked up this is. And I'm thinking to myself that I should run over to Dan Larson's office and schedule an appointment. But then I remember what happens the minute you say you are feeling suicidal, they take away your choices. If I told someone in authority that I wanted to kill myself, they could have me hospitalized, they could send me home, they could force me to go to Bridgeway like they are doing to Tina, they could expell me again. In short they could fuck up my entire year and make it impossible for me to graduate...EVER!
So there I am, wanting to kill myself and having no one I could tell, let us continue to Act 2.
At 6 I had to go to work at the music library. Oh joy. Still crying I hustle on over there and count my lucky stars that it's finals and we have no patrons. I check me email and discover that Kevin has sent me one final email telling me that I am psychotic and delusional and I need help. Yeah as if I didn't know THAT! So that made me cry harder of course. The email was just so angry and mean I couldn't figure out why he would even have sent it other than to try and get the last word. But I didn't want that to be the final thing I heard from or said to Kevin. So I replied. And I just told him I was sorry if I had hurt him, I wasn't happy about how things had to go down, and that he could hate me all he wants to but I'm still going to care about him even after all that has happened.
It made me feel good to say that. To just sit down and write out a simple email in simple words. It made me stop crying for a couple minutes. Because i will care about him. I never sleep with anyone I don't love or believe I could love. He will always have a place in my heart just like Moses and Clark and even Wes R.
After I sent it I began to relax a little. I put on some Joni Mitchell, read some Cornel West, revised a poem and made myself stop thinking. It worked fr the most part though occasionally I'd read someting or hear a song lyric that would make me start bawling again.
Act 3
Go home. Mind you it is now 9:00 5 hours after the fact and I am STILL crying. And I have a great big headache to accompany all the tears. Still feeling helpless and hopeless, really not wanting to go home but having no where else I can go and comfortably flip out. At home, I log on, check my email and all that shit. Find a cordial reply from Kevin in my inbox. And while I am happy to get it I am upset that he is still emailing me. I'm thinking, "Why does he keep writing back?" If this is final lets let it be final. Uf it isn't by God then let's open this up to real discourse again rather than sending each other final email after final email!
Anyway while I am pondering all of this Elisabeth IMs me. She is having a hard night as well. So we discuss. Then Moses IMs me and I talk to him. Then Heather H. IMs me to tell me that she has just written her first song and is very proud of herself. Then Paul IMs me. So I've got like four conversations going on at once, some very serious, others very light hearted. That is what finally stopped my tears. Seeing that there were people, some who weren't even aware of how bad I was feeling, who wanted to talk to me. Like it felt so good just to have Heather IM me for no other reason then to share something nice that happened to her. Everyone who Imd me last night did me a HUGE favor so I must thank all of them.
Today I'm feeling somewhat better. Haven't signed on all day. I don't want to see if Kevin is online or not. It's warm outside so I am wearing one of my long flowy dresses. I feel so much freer in dresses. I can move more freely. And I'm wearing my Docs which I havent worn in a while. And I had a nice small group workshop. Jeannine came back to the group. I've realized I've been so sick in these last few weeks that I have been forgetting to bite my nails. Now they are all nice and long.
Last spring break Daniel Larson signed himself into the Cottage Hospital psyche ward and spent his spring break there.
There's an idea.
I've got so much to say and write and think about I really don't know where to begin. Well Carla, at the beginning, where else?
The FINAL conversation with Kevin went on a lot longer and got a lot nastier than I wanted it to. The whole time I wanted him to show some sort of interest in getting me to stay. But he didn't. He just kept making me feel guilty for thinking and feeling the things I do. And once we decided that yes, this is final we are saying goodbye, we still kept throwing in final one liners, trying to get the last word for like another 15 minutes. I think we were both sort of waiting for the other to say "no I apologize take me back" which neither of us felt that we should have to say. It was base, it was childish, it was clear that ending it was a good idea.
Even so, the minute he signed off I started to cry. At first I wasn't sure why. Earlier in the day I had been really gung ho about ending it, I felt totally confident in the decision, but the second it was finished I just wanted to call him and beg to be taken back. Luckily Gemma and Gayle were around to talk me out of it. Eventually I figured out it wasn't him I was crying for, it was myself. Breaking up with another guy seemed to prove once again that there is something inherently wrong with me. I mean, let's examine this. My longest relationships I have only been able to maintain by being completely fake, by not expressing my feelings or emotions, by putting up a front, by not being myself in any way shape or form. So the past few years I have been working on being myself in relationships. Whenever I start to be me, when I say what I think and let all the ugliness that is inside of me out, I get broken up with. So therefore me-as-i-am must be defective in some way. And I don't know what that way is, no one can tell me what it is nor can they tell me how to fix it.
So I blathered on about all of that to Gayle and Gemma while crying my eyes out. They tried to tell me how great I am and blah blah blah but I just wasn't hearing it. I can't believe it. If there wasn't something wrong with me this wouldn't keep happening.
I kept crying harder and harder and then an idea I hadn't had since September, and before that since I was 14, slipped into my head. The thought that the world would just be a better place without me. That I could just run a razor over my wrist and I wouldn't have to feel defective anymore. Well that thought scared the shit out of me. And it just continued to get more and more intense. So around 5 after having been crying for a good hour I left my room and went to the Gizmo because I was too afraid of staying alone in a place where I knew there were razors handy.
At the Giz, I curled up on one of the couches and cried into the cushions. The Gizmo is actually a very good place to cry. You wouldn't think it is since its so public, but I discovered yesterday that normally it's so noisy, no one can hear you sobbing. So there I am crying hysterically on the couch. And then I start thinking about the razors again, a lot more in depth now. About how much easier it would be on my family not to have to support me financially, how happy all my enemies would be to have me gone. And then I thought of the phrase "Everyone loves you when you are dead." It's a very true statement. And I thought of how guilty people would feel if I died, and how much they would miss me. And I thought that I would only ever recieve the kind of love I crave in death. And this calmed me. I even stopped crying for a little while and just sat comfortably in the feeling that thought gave me.
Mind you all the while iIam quite aware of how blazingly fucked up this is. And I'm thinking to myself that I should run over to Dan Larson's office and schedule an appointment. But then I remember what happens the minute you say you are feeling suicidal, they take away your choices. If I told someone in authority that I wanted to kill myself, they could have me hospitalized, they could send me home, they could force me to go to Bridgeway like they are doing to Tina, they could expell me again. In short they could fuck up my entire year and make it impossible for me to graduate...EVER!
So there I am, wanting to kill myself and having no one I could tell, let us continue to Act 2.
At 6 I had to go to work at the music library. Oh joy. Still crying I hustle on over there and count my lucky stars that it's finals and we have no patrons. I check me email and discover that Kevin has sent me one final email telling me that I am psychotic and delusional and I need help. Yeah as if I didn't know THAT! So that made me cry harder of course. The email was just so angry and mean I couldn't figure out why he would even have sent it other than to try and get the last word. But I didn't want that to be the final thing I heard from or said to Kevin. So I replied. And I just told him I was sorry if I had hurt him, I wasn't happy about how things had to go down, and that he could hate me all he wants to but I'm still going to care about him even after all that has happened.
It made me feel good to say that. To just sit down and write out a simple email in simple words. It made me stop crying for a couple minutes. Because i will care about him. I never sleep with anyone I don't love or believe I could love. He will always have a place in my heart just like Moses and Clark and even Wes R.
After I sent it I began to relax a little. I put on some Joni Mitchell, read some Cornel West, revised a poem and made myself stop thinking. It worked fr the most part though occasionally I'd read someting or hear a song lyric that would make me start bawling again.
Act 3
Go home. Mind you it is now 9:00 5 hours after the fact and I am STILL crying. And I have a great big headache to accompany all the tears. Still feeling helpless and hopeless, really not wanting to go home but having no where else I can go and comfortably flip out. At home, I log on, check my email and all that shit. Find a cordial reply from Kevin in my inbox. And while I am happy to get it I am upset that he is still emailing me. I'm thinking, "Why does he keep writing back?" If this is final lets let it be final. Uf it isn't by God then let's open this up to real discourse again rather than sending each other final email after final email!
Anyway while I am pondering all of this Elisabeth IMs me. She is having a hard night as well. So we discuss. Then Moses IMs me and I talk to him. Then Heather H. IMs me to tell me that she has just written her first song and is very proud of herself. Then Paul IMs me. So I've got like four conversations going on at once, some very serious, others very light hearted. That is what finally stopped my tears. Seeing that there were people, some who weren't even aware of how bad I was feeling, who wanted to talk to me. Like it felt so good just to have Heather IM me for no other reason then to share something nice that happened to her. Everyone who Imd me last night did me a HUGE favor so I must thank all of them.
Today I'm feeling somewhat better. Haven't signed on all day. I don't want to see if Kevin is online or not. It's warm outside so I am wearing one of my long flowy dresses. I feel so much freer in dresses. I can move more freely. And I'm wearing my Docs which I havent worn in a while. And I had a nice small group workshop. Jeannine came back to the group. I've realized I've been so sick in these last few weeks that I have been forgetting to bite my nails. Now they are all nice and long.
Last spring break Daniel Larson signed himself into the Cottage Hospital psyche ward and spent his spring break there.
There's an idea.
