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morrigirlOkay, now that I have slept for almost 12 hours and am feeling nominally rested I am finally going to write that entry for Gayle I've been meaning to put down for like three days.
As soon as all my friends started keeping online journals I swore to myself I would not directly comment on their entries in mine. After all a diary is not a dialogue, its your own inner thoughts and I don't want to let other intrude upon the honest expression of mine.
But after reading Gayle's entry entitled "I should be sleeping," I think it would be best if I strayed from that rule once.
I did not mean to make Gayle cry or almost cry or whatever. She is one of my best friends. Like, if I got married tomorrow I would totally ask her to be a bridesmaid. I've thought she was awesome from that first day Moses introduced us in the Oak Room. And I am terribly thankful for the friendship that developed out of that day. She was one of my saving angels while I was at BMCC. She emailed me everyday and kept me updated with Knox news and always told me how happy she would be when I got back. The girl is a godsend.
Futhermore she is absoultely perfect. I shit you not. Both inside and out she is the ideal of feminine charm. She is physically beautiful, smart without trying to be, humble, funny, the kind of person who just lights up a room. I wrote a poem about her once saying that Gayle makes things pretty. I can think of no better way to describe her, she just makes everything glow.
In short, she is all the things I am not. I have been a loser all my life. I've never been pretty, smart or lovable. I'm the girl who always loses and I've learned to accept that. So I guess my competitve streak when it comes to her is born out of my own insecurity. I expect Gayle to get whatever she wants, mainly because she hates losing. And so when she really wants something she just throws herself completely into getting it and then she does. Whether its winning a boy's heart or writing at 30 page paper in 12 hours. I have never had that kind of determination or concentration.
So on the rare occasions when I have found myself in possession of something she would consider valuable (Clarks friednship, a kiss from Wes) I don't know....I feel like I have won something. She is the kind of girl who always gets what she wants, so me being a girl who rarely gets what she wants feels a certain amount of sadistic pleasure when I can get something she can't. It's not that I hate Gayle or think there is anything wrong with her or am trying to hurt her or anything. It's just so bizarre that dopey dorky little old me would have something tall gorgeous wonderful Gayle would want that when it happens I feel a kind of weird victory. Like, YES DORKS CAN TRIUMPH OVER THE POPULAR KIDS!
I know this all sounds really weird and mixed up. Gayle has never competed with me. Even when we both liked Clark back freshman year I never got the sense that we were fighting each other although I did feel jealous when she usurped me as his best friend. I don't know, just recently I have been feeling really insecure and protective of my fragile little ego. When she expresses desire to have something I possess I get defensive because I know she could have it if she worked for it. Like she could have a friendship with Clark, she could have a liason with Wes. She could do all of it without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. That's what makes me feel competitive, knowing she could take away all this security I feel I have by possessing these things.
Does that make any sense?
As soon as all my friends started keeping online journals I swore to myself I would not directly comment on their entries in mine. After all a diary is not a dialogue, its your own inner thoughts and I don't want to let other intrude upon the honest expression of mine.
But after reading Gayle's entry entitled "I should be sleeping," I think it would be best if I strayed from that rule once.
I did not mean to make Gayle cry or almost cry or whatever. She is one of my best friends. Like, if I got married tomorrow I would totally ask her to be a bridesmaid. I've thought she was awesome from that first day Moses introduced us in the Oak Room. And I am terribly thankful for the friendship that developed out of that day. She was one of my saving angels while I was at BMCC. She emailed me everyday and kept me updated with Knox news and always told me how happy she would be when I got back. The girl is a godsend.
Futhermore she is absoultely perfect. I shit you not. Both inside and out she is the ideal of feminine charm. She is physically beautiful, smart without trying to be, humble, funny, the kind of person who just lights up a room. I wrote a poem about her once saying that Gayle makes things pretty. I can think of no better way to describe her, she just makes everything glow.
In short, she is all the things I am not. I have been a loser all my life. I've never been pretty, smart or lovable. I'm the girl who always loses and I've learned to accept that. So I guess my competitve streak when it comes to her is born out of my own insecurity. I expect Gayle to get whatever she wants, mainly because she hates losing. And so when she really wants something she just throws herself completely into getting it and then she does. Whether its winning a boy's heart or writing at 30 page paper in 12 hours. I have never had that kind of determination or concentration.
So on the rare occasions when I have found myself in possession of something she would consider valuable (Clarks friednship, a kiss from Wes) I don't know....I feel like I have won something. She is the kind of girl who always gets what she wants, so me being a girl who rarely gets what she wants feels a certain amount of sadistic pleasure when I can get something she can't. It's not that I hate Gayle or think there is anything wrong with her or am trying to hurt her or anything. It's just so bizarre that dopey dorky little old me would have something tall gorgeous wonderful Gayle would want that when it happens I feel a kind of weird victory. Like, YES DORKS CAN TRIUMPH OVER THE POPULAR KIDS!
I know this all sounds really weird and mixed up. Gayle has never competed with me. Even when we both liked Clark back freshman year I never got the sense that we were fighting each other although I did feel jealous when she usurped me as his best friend. I don't know, just recently I have been feeling really insecure and protective of my fragile little ego. When she expresses desire to have something I possess I get defensive because I know she could have it if she worked for it. Like she could have a friendship with Clark, she could have a liason with Wes. She could do all of it without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. That's what makes me feel competitive, knowing she could take away all this security I feel I have by possessing these things.
Does that make any sense?
