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morrigirlI can be pretty hard on shy people which is strange since I used to be painfully shy myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm still shy, but my shyness no longer prevents me from doing and saying the things I really want. I think that's why I'm hard on shy people, because I figured out how to keep it from really interfering in my life, so when I see someone else whose shyness habitually prevents them from doing things I get on them about doing something about it. I make the mistake of thinking that just because it was fairly easy for me, it should be just as easy for them.
Most of the people who know me now weren't acquainted with me when my shyness was at its height. From birth till about the age of 15 I had an impossibly hard time talking to people. I wouldn't ask people questions because I was afraid of being made fun of, I never tried to initiate a friendship because I was afraid of rejection, I couldn't even pick up the phone to call someone because I was too afraid the person on the other end wouldn't want to talk to me. The friends I made during that time bulldozed their way into my life with no help from me. There are even members of my immediate family who thought I was mute for my first ten years of life, no shit. I lived with a debilitating fear of rejection and that fear kept me from engaging in even the most basic forms of human contact.
Round about 15 I decided I was really tired of being afraid. I wanted more friends, I wanted to be able to talk to people I "liked," I wanted to be able to approach a sales person in a department store and ask them where the Juniors section was, I wanted it to stop taking me 45 minutes to work up the nerve to make a 5 minute phone call, but I didn't know how to make the desired changes. My solution was to start paying attention to people who didn't seem to have any problem talking to others. I watched what they did so I could emmulate them.
At the time I knew this girl named Maureen who was without a doubt the most friendly and talkative person I've ever met. I paid a lot of attention to her. She was the kind of girl who would randomly strike up conversations with people on the street, and she was so engaging that people would talk back. They'd laugh, and smile, and end up exchanging phone numbers with her. It was really amazing. There were several things I noticed about Maureen's approach to others. First of all she was totally open. It didn't matter if you were a bum on the sidewalk or a rich old lady in Tiffany's, Maureen wanted to talk to you. No one put her off, no one scared her, she was always completely relaxed and assured that the person she was talking to would end up liking her and giving her what she needed. That was another thing, she acted totally confidant. I say "acted" because deep down inside she was really afraid of rejection as well. I know she only acted friendly as a way to shield herself from rejection just as I used silence to shield myself. It was a subtle but important distinction. Made me realize I didn't have to feel confident in order to get others to like me, I just had to be able to make others think I was confident. That, I discovered, was the secret: faking it.
I was shy. I was always going to be shy. I was always going to be afraid, but other people didn't have to know that. If I could convince others I was as open, confident, and friendly as Maureen I'd have an easier time approaching others, and the only way to convince people was to act the part. I had to walk the walk. I had to talk to people I was afraid to talk to, I had to ask for help even if it meant looking stupid. So I did. I developed a "just do it" attitude, and when I just did the things I was afraid of doing I found they weren't as scary as I'd imagined them to be. Starting a conversation was much easier then I'd expected. Meeting a person I "liked" wasn't so nerve wracking. So ever since, whenever I've been really terrified of some social interaction I've just tried to force myself into it. I admire people who have the confidence to do things they fear, and I want to be the kind of person I admire.
My old roomate![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nabuchodonosor is fearless when it comes to saying what she needs to say. Well, no that's not true, sometimes she IS scared, but she makes herself say it anyway. I admired her for that and when we were living together I took every opportunity to tell her so. (And on a completely unrelated note, yesterday, in what I can only describe as an act of homage to nabuchodonosor I bought a copy of "The Portable Henry Rollins.")
But not every one is me, and not everyone is Maureen, and not everyone is Gemma. What was easy and obvious for me might not be so simple to someone else. I need to get a grip on that. I need to stop being so hard on people who don't want to or feel as though they can't help being shy. I know the fear. I still have it every time I try to make a telephone call. Not everyone can push through it, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm still shy. I don't always succeed in pushing myself up to the edge of the cliff. But I succeed a lot more then I used to. I try a lot more then I used to. And other people do try even if I can't see them making the effort. Some times the effort is all mental. I need to cut shy people more slack. That is all.
Most of the people who know me now weren't acquainted with me when my shyness was at its height. From birth till about the age of 15 I had an impossibly hard time talking to people. I wouldn't ask people questions because I was afraid of being made fun of, I never tried to initiate a friendship because I was afraid of rejection, I couldn't even pick up the phone to call someone because I was too afraid the person on the other end wouldn't want to talk to me. The friends I made during that time bulldozed their way into my life with no help from me. There are even members of my immediate family who thought I was mute for my first ten years of life, no shit. I lived with a debilitating fear of rejection and that fear kept me from engaging in even the most basic forms of human contact.
Round about 15 I decided I was really tired of being afraid. I wanted more friends, I wanted to be able to talk to people I "liked," I wanted to be able to approach a sales person in a department store and ask them where the Juniors section was, I wanted it to stop taking me 45 minutes to work up the nerve to make a 5 minute phone call, but I didn't know how to make the desired changes. My solution was to start paying attention to people who didn't seem to have any problem talking to others. I watched what they did so I could emmulate them.
At the time I knew this girl named Maureen who was without a doubt the most friendly and talkative person I've ever met. I paid a lot of attention to her. She was the kind of girl who would randomly strike up conversations with people on the street, and she was so engaging that people would talk back. They'd laugh, and smile, and end up exchanging phone numbers with her. It was really amazing. There were several things I noticed about Maureen's approach to others. First of all she was totally open. It didn't matter if you were a bum on the sidewalk or a rich old lady in Tiffany's, Maureen wanted to talk to you. No one put her off, no one scared her, she was always completely relaxed and assured that the person she was talking to would end up liking her and giving her what she needed. That was another thing, she acted totally confidant. I say "acted" because deep down inside she was really afraid of rejection as well. I know she only acted friendly as a way to shield herself from rejection just as I used silence to shield myself. It was a subtle but important distinction. Made me realize I didn't have to feel confident in order to get others to like me, I just had to be able to make others think I was confident. That, I discovered, was the secret: faking it.
I was shy. I was always going to be shy. I was always going to be afraid, but other people didn't have to know that. If I could convince others I was as open, confident, and friendly as Maureen I'd have an easier time approaching others, and the only way to convince people was to act the part. I had to walk the walk. I had to talk to people I was afraid to talk to, I had to ask for help even if it meant looking stupid. So I did. I developed a "just do it" attitude, and when I just did the things I was afraid of doing I found they weren't as scary as I'd imagined them to be. Starting a conversation was much easier then I'd expected. Meeting a person I "liked" wasn't so nerve wracking. So ever since, whenever I've been really terrified of some social interaction I've just tried to force myself into it. I admire people who have the confidence to do things they fear, and I want to be the kind of person I admire.
My old roomate
nabuchodonosor is fearless when it comes to saying what she needs to say. Well, no that's not true, sometimes she IS scared, but she makes herself say it anyway. I admired her for that and when we were living together I took every opportunity to tell her so. (And on a completely unrelated note, yesterday, in what I can only describe as an act of homage to nabuchodonosor I bought a copy of "The Portable Henry Rollins.")But not every one is me, and not everyone is Maureen, and not everyone is Gemma. What was easy and obvious for me might not be so simple to someone else. I need to get a grip on that. I need to stop being so hard on people who don't want to or feel as though they can't help being shy. I know the fear. I still have it every time I try to make a telephone call. Not everyone can push through it, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm still shy. I don't always succeed in pushing myself up to the edge of the cliff. But I succeed a lot more then I used to. I try a lot more then I used to. And other people do try even if I can't see them making the effort. Some times the effort is all mental. I need to cut shy people more slack. That is all.
