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Aug. 4th, 2003 05:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI cry a lot.
I cry when this stupid piece of shit laptop won't load a page. I cry because my mom won't let me hook up my new computer which I need if I'm ever gonna start sending resumes out en masse. I cry when the token booth guy won't give me a fucking metro card. I cry whenever I read my abuse self-help books which is why I've refrained from even picking them up for the last three days. I cry when I have cramps. I cry when i can'r get my hair to do what I want it to. I cry because I can't get a job.
The oher night i did some math. My mother's mother died when she was 80ish. My mom's dad died when he was 97. So judging from those numbers I have another 20 to 40 years of dealing with my Mom ahead of me. I fgured that out while randomly browsing in Barnes and Noble. I'll tell you it was a good thing I wasn't at home because at that moment I had the strongest suicidal impulse I have ever felt. If there had been a knife anywhere nearby i would have totally slit my wrists. I'll have to live under this woman's control until I'm at least 40. The best years of my life will be gone by then. And I'll bet you money i'll still be unemplyed and relying on her since i apparently have no marketable skills.
I lost two pounds. thats the best news i had today.
I cry when this stupid piece of shit laptop won't load a page. I cry because my mom won't let me hook up my new computer which I need if I'm ever gonna start sending resumes out en masse. I cry when the token booth guy won't give me a fucking metro card. I cry whenever I read my abuse self-help books which is why I've refrained from even picking them up for the last three days. I cry when I have cramps. I cry when i can'r get my hair to do what I want it to. I cry because I can't get a job.
The oher night i did some math. My mother's mother died when she was 80ish. My mom's dad died when he was 97. So judging from those numbers I have another 20 to 40 years of dealing with my Mom ahead of me. I fgured that out while randomly browsing in Barnes and Noble. I'll tell you it was a good thing I wasn't at home because at that moment I had the strongest suicidal impulse I have ever felt. If there had been a knife anywhere nearby i would have totally slit my wrists. I'll have to live under this woman's control until I'm at least 40. The best years of my life will be gone by then. And I'll bet you money i'll still be unemplyed and relying on her since i apparently have no marketable skills.
I lost two pounds. thats the best news i had today.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 01:41 am (UTC)B.) I have been in therapy on and off for years. It is a lot of work and it takes more than a few sessions and it takes a lot of honesty, crying, anger...etc.
C.) Counseling is where I have made my goals. You need to try counseling again and take a different approach to it. Stop making excuses. and...
D.) Read Toxic Parents by Dr. Susand Forward.