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Trigger Finger
Sep. 6th, 2003 04:00 amSomething is triggering me, not sure what though. For the last two hours I've just felt completely worthless, and ugly, and like a total waste of space. I hate it when this happens. Everything is hunky dory and then, WHAM! this...THING comes out of nowhere and knocks you on your ass.
I wish I had someone to talk to. But I'm never online when everyone else is. I don't get onto the messenger systems until after midnight and by then everyone has gone to bed. Everyone has to wake up for school or work the next day. I feel like the only person who doesn't. Of course, since it's Friday night, no one has to wake up early. Tonight people are out having fun, staying up late. Everyone but me. I'm not normal like the rest of humanity. I don't go to work, I don't go out on Friday. I'm stuck.
I hate being stuck. I can't remember the last time I interacted in real life with anyopne other than my Mom. It's been...since I stopped seeing Josh, and that was almost a month ago.
I've been thinking I should call him. Ya know, try to patch the friendship. But I don't feel ready. After a month you'd think I would especially since we were never really seriously dating. But just thinking of calling him makes me feel bad. Just reminds me of my own deficiancy. I still think of Josh as another guy who rejected me. And as long as I'm thinking of him like that I'm gonna feel like shit whenever I'm around him.
But it takes me YEARS to stop thinking of guys like that. I'm thinking a took a least a year if not two or three to totally start acting normal around Clark again. And I didn't speak to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
skoriaan for four years, but thats not entirely my fault. Didn't help that the girl he dated after me strictly forbade him to interact with me. Didn't help that he listened to her either.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I bounce back quicker? Why does everything feel like a major tragedy? Why the hell am I such a blazing drama queen? And why do things that slide off other peoples backs take me out for the count?
Have I mentioned yet today that I hate being me?
I wish I had someone to talk to. But I'm never online when everyone else is. I don't get onto the messenger systems until after midnight and by then everyone has gone to bed. Everyone has to wake up for school or work the next day. I feel like the only person who doesn't. Of course, since it's Friday night, no one has to wake up early. Tonight people are out having fun, staying up late. Everyone but me. I'm not normal like the rest of humanity. I don't go to work, I don't go out on Friday. I'm stuck.
I hate being stuck. I can't remember the last time I interacted in real life with anyopne other than my Mom. It's been...since I stopped seeing Josh, and that was almost a month ago.
I've been thinking I should call him. Ya know, try to patch the friendship. But I don't feel ready. After a month you'd think I would especially since we were never really seriously dating. But just thinking of calling him makes me feel bad. Just reminds me of my own deficiancy. I still think of Josh as another guy who rejected me. And as long as I'm thinking of him like that I'm gonna feel like shit whenever I'm around him.
But it takes me YEARS to stop thinking of guys like that. I'm thinking a took a least a year if not two or three to totally start acting normal around Clark again. And I didn't speak to
skoriaan for four years, but thats not entirely my fault. Didn't help that the girl he dated after me strictly forbade him to interact with me. Didn't help that he listened to her either. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I bounce back quicker? Why does everything feel like a major tragedy? Why the hell am I such a blazing drama queen? And why do things that slide off other peoples backs take me out for the count?
Have I mentioned yet today that I hate being me?
