Remedy - SCN

Yesterday's job interview went really well :-D I got out to Great Neck without any problems. Lucky me, the bus stop was literally right outside the train station so I got off the train and directly onto the bus.

Great Neck seems like a nice little town, if you like that sort of thing. There were lots of stores and people walking around. Was a lot more active than most other Long Island towns I've visited. And much to my relief the town wasn't all white. Saw people of all different ethnic persuasions walking around. Very nice.

Was interviewed for an Administrative Assistant position at a gift company. This cute little Iranian couple interviewed me. It's a family run business so for the most part it's just the two of them in the office. They are hoping to expand, hire a few extra hands and all that. They were very nice. And unlike the last one, these people actually asked questions about my employment history. I think they liked me. I really do. So, who knows? Maybe I might just be employed by the end of the week :-D

Hanging out with Josh today. Don't know what we're gonna do. I meant to call him last night, but I was so tired from the commute that I fell asleep before I could. I'll have to call him this afternoon. I know he plans on sleeping in today. It's his reward for completing the Bar.

And have you noticed that the stalker guest who loves to leave insulting messages in my fedback is losing his touch? His little quips are less than scathing these days. I really don't know why he ever bothers, especially now that SCN has added the delete feature to the feedback section. It's not like his little smart ass comments get to be seen by anyone. I just delete and forget them the minute he puts em up. It's really quite pathetic. To think that this boy has nothing better to do with his time than read things he doesn't like simply so he can write really dumb responses to them. He must not have a day job. Or a girlfriend. Or a life.

I think Guest needs a name. I'm going to call him Mary after another stupid person I know :-D And because his insults are just as underdeveloped as Mary's always were. *waves* Hello Mary Guest!!! Oh how I pity you so. To think that reading my journal is the highlight of your useless day. So sad, so sad.

Ta ta.

Acting in Accord - SCN

I just splurged, *giggle* Went out and bought some Bratz furniture and two new dolls to go with it. Now my entire slumber party set is complete! And in the store I saw that they've introduced two new lines. The Winter Wonderland line and the Prom something or other line. And they've discontinued the Meygan doll and added the new Dana doll. I'm gonna buy her in the new lines. She looks cute :-D

God I love my dolls, they make me so happy. I just spent an hour dressing and posing all 8 of them. They're gorgeous! Unfortunately I did it all in the living room which means I'll have to move all of them before Mom gets home from work. Bummer.

OH, and I didn't tell you what I got in the mail from Tina a few days ago. The little sweetheart sent me a Bratz notebook and pen! I was so thrilled I squeeled! And the pen is something else. It's a pen, necklace, and lipgloss all in one lol. Quite a 21st century toy don'tcha think?

I actually spoke to Tina online yesterday. Her Mom is sending her enough money to keep her at Knox till the end of fall term. After that, she doesn't know. Right now she's having a hard time finding employment. Apparently no one in Galesburg is hiring either. She said Maytag just laid off about 300 workers, so that's 300 more people she has to compete with in an already minescule job market. Unless T can make and put away more money she won't be able to stay the whole year. That would suck royally. But on the bright side, maybe I could con her into moving to NYC?

Prolly gonna call Josh when I'm done typing and checking email. I don't know why but I'm getting all anxious about hanging out with him. Like, I look in the mirror and think of how awful I look, and I've been being all twitchy about my clothes and jewelry and make up and, ugh. I dunno why I'm doing this. I should so not be trying to impress him. I should just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. Or something. Yeah. *gulp*

Hey look, I'm Chris!

You are Sandra Gibbs!!


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Don't Ask

Carefully edited exerpt from an IM conversation I had with a friend last night after I finished hanging out with Josh for the first time in several weeks. All of the following is stuff I wrote. I think it accurately sums up how I felt after seeing him.

I just got back from hanging out with Josh and I just...feel bad...We're trying to do the friend thing. He said he likes me but has reservations so we're just not pushing anything and seeing what happens but...I don't think that's gonna work now. He just gotr a 50K a year job, he talking about buying a house. he's a lot more together than I am. And I feel like a loser. I haven't had a bf in almost two years, I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I should fucking learn that no one is every gonna want me. I wish I didn't want some one so bad. I wish I dint know what I was missing I wish I knew what it was like to be uncoditionally loved by someone

I am ugly I am stupid and no one would ever be remotely interested in settling down with me, or loving me in any deep or meaningful way. All I am to anyone is just a fuck. Thats all Ive ever been and thats all I will ever be...I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being everyone's little whore but no one wants me in any other way. And i hate it.

For once I would like to have a normal relationship that wasn't long distance. That was mutually satisfying and...Just everything. I don't even know what I'm saying. All I know is that I will never have what I want and I wish I could just stop wanting it. I'm nothing. I'm a little piece of shit...I don't think I can be loved unconditionally. I don't think it's possible for anyone to feel that way about me. I'm not lovable enough ...You'd think that by now i'd at least have met someone who really likes me a lot. I haven't. There's something intangible in my body, mind , spirit whatever, that just makes people incapable of loving me. I want to go away to where no one can find me, and i never have to meet anyone new and I never have to hope for love ever ever again.