![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlCarefully edited exerpt from an IM conversation I had with a friend last night after I finished hanging out with Josh for the first time in several weeks. All of the following is stuff I wrote. I think it accurately sums up how I felt after seeing him.
I just got back from hanging out with Josh and I just...feel bad...We're trying to do the friend thing. He said he likes me but has reservations so we're just not pushing anything and seeing what happens but...I don't think that's gonna work now. He just gotr a 50K a year job, he talking about buying a house. he's a lot more together than I am. And I feel like a loser. I haven't had a bf in almost two years, I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I should fucking learn that no one is every gonna want me. I wish I didn't want some one so bad. I wish I dint know what I was missing I wish I knew what it was like to be uncoditionally loved by someone
I am ugly I am stupid and no one would ever be remotely interested in settling down with me, or loving me in any deep or meaningful way. All I am to anyone is just a fuck. Thats all Ive ever been and thats all I will ever be...I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being everyone's little whore but no one wants me in any other way. And i hate it.
For once I would like to have a normal relationship that wasn't long distance. That was mutually satisfying and...Just everything. I don't even know what I'm saying. All I know is that I will never have what I want and I wish I could just stop wanting it. I'm nothing. I'm a little piece of shit...I don't think I can be loved unconditionally. I don't think it's possible for anyone to feel that way about me. I'm not lovable enough ...You'd think that by now i'd at least have met someone who really likes me a lot. I haven't. There's something intangible in my body, mind , spirit whatever, that just makes people incapable of loving me. I want to go away to where no one can find me, and i never have to meet anyone new and I never have to hope for love ever ever again.
I just got back from hanging out with Josh and I just...feel bad...We're trying to do the friend thing. He said he likes me but has reservations so we're just not pushing anything and seeing what happens but...I don't think that's gonna work now. He just gotr a 50K a year job, he talking about buying a house. he's a lot more together than I am. And I feel like a loser. I haven't had a bf in almost two years, I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I should fucking learn that no one is every gonna want me. I wish I didn't want some one so bad. I wish I dint know what I was missing I wish I knew what it was like to be uncoditionally loved by someone
I am ugly I am stupid and no one would ever be remotely interested in settling down with me, or loving me in any deep or meaningful way. All I am to anyone is just a fuck. Thats all Ive ever been and thats all I will ever be...I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being everyone's little whore but no one wants me in any other way. And i hate it.
For once I would like to have a normal relationship that wasn't long distance. That was mutually satisfying and...Just everything. I don't even know what I'm saying. All I know is that I will never have what I want and I wish I could just stop wanting it. I'm nothing. I'm a little piece of shit...I don't think I can be loved unconditionally. I don't think it's possible for anyone to feel that way about me. I'm not lovable enough ...You'd think that by now i'd at least have met someone who really likes me a lot. I haven't. There's something intangible in my body, mind , spirit whatever, that just makes people incapable of loving me. I want to go away to where no one can find me, and i never have to meet anyone new and I never have to hope for love ever ever again.
