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Jaded - SCN
Jun. 29th, 2003 09:12 pmWow, I can't believe the site is up. I thought it was supposed to be down Sunday-Tuesday. Not that I'm complaining. I really wanted to write in you today and am glad I don't have to resort to writing in my Livejournal.
Well, I guess I spoke too soon about Josh. I wound up going over to his place yesterday and hanging out with him. It was his birthday. He's 31. yay.
But anyway, the night started out one a rather bizarre note. I was transferring from the 1 to the W at the 42nd street station and had to pass those long escalators right next to the Shuttle, ya know, the ones where the street musicians are always performing? Well I'm walking past them, and of course some dude is sitting there performing and a whole crowd of on lookers have gathered around him. It was all very normal. Until two STORM TROOPERS in full Star Wars regalia walked right through the crowd on their way to the 1/9!!! OH MY GOD it was the strangest, most hilarious thing I'd seen in a long as time. Everyone was laughing, it was great.
So when I got to Josh's we had a quick roll in the hay. Afterwards we went walking in a near by park. We talked, I met his roomates, I met his cats, we rolled in the hay a bit more and I went home.
Truthfully, the evening wasn't all that exciting. And I think the very lack of excitment made me realize a few things. I realized that Josh and I have nothing to talk about. I dunno if we're just too afraid to ask each other questions, if he's just stressed because of the bar or what, but there was a marked absence of discussion during the 6 or so hours I was with him. I try to ask him questions, to get him to talk, and sometimes it works, but most of the time I can't think of anything to say to him. I mean, I know all of his crazy stories, I know all about his family, I know all about his band. I know everything I want to know about him.
But he never asks me anything about myself. I know all of his interests but I don't think he has a clue about mine. I would volunteer information only he never seems interested when I do. I just...I never get to tell him the things I think he should know. I want to tell him about Kirk especially since he's been on my mind alot recently. I want to tell him about my love of theater, about the books I like, about the music that moves me, about my poems, my relationship with my Mom, the movies I enjoy, my college experience. But he never asks, and I can never find a moment to volunteer.
And...half way through the evening it just hit me that I wasn't having fun. I was bored and just wanted to go home. That the sex wasn't reason enough reason for me to sit in a house with 7 cats for 6 hours! Not that the sex was bad, in fact it was markedly better then the last time. But...I just felt very distanced during it, like I was observing rather than participating. Even though it was new and different it was still...dull. There was something missing. That spark.
So now it seems even though I don't have to worry about Josh dumping me, I don't think I want to be with him. I don't want to pursue anything serious. Whatever I like about him I think is more a result of my own fantasies, my own romanticization of him then anything real. I want a specific thing and the less I see of my significant other the easier I can convince myself that the possess the traits I desire and the chemistry I crave.
I'm not gonna stop seeing him because...frankly I enjouy getting laid. And having someone who will take me out to dinner once in a while. And the social perks of having a boyfriend. But...this isn't gonna last. The foundation is shaky and it'll give with fairly little effort.
Yeah, so that realization kinda blew my mind. Never been with someone and realized that I didn't like them. I don't realize shit like that until my relationships are long over. And I'm still unclear on how to deal with this or what to do about it because...well this is unfamiliar territory. Gonna have to play it by ear.
The night ended on a bizarre note as well, on the 72 street platform I ran into Dylan. I shit you not. We stood there and spoke for a while. I won't repeat anything he said because...I could care less about his life. Very unfortuitous. And knowing my luck he'll start calling me again. UGH!!! The boy is so clueless. You'd think that he wouuld have realized after 4 years of un-returned phone calls that I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!!!
In other news Mom and I went to see Finding Nemo today. It was cute but I don't see what the big fuss over it has been. It's just a kids film. I didn't think it was unusually funny or original. It was just fun.
After reading this entry over I realize how sloppy my writing has gotten lately. Don't know what the reason for it is. But if you compare recent entries to ones written a year ago there is such a marked difference. The older ones contain a stronger voice and a clearer thought process. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm not funny or insightful anymore. My thoughts are a total mess on the page.
And I can't even find a good way to end an entry.
Well, I guess I spoke too soon about Josh. I wound up going over to his place yesterday and hanging out with him. It was his birthday. He's 31. yay.
But anyway, the night started out one a rather bizarre note. I was transferring from the 1 to the W at the 42nd street station and had to pass those long escalators right next to the Shuttle, ya know, the ones where the street musicians are always performing? Well I'm walking past them, and of course some dude is sitting there performing and a whole crowd of on lookers have gathered around him. It was all very normal. Until two STORM TROOPERS in full Star Wars regalia walked right through the crowd on their way to the 1/9!!! OH MY GOD it was the strangest, most hilarious thing I'd seen in a long as time. Everyone was laughing, it was great.
So when I got to Josh's we had a quick roll in the hay. Afterwards we went walking in a near by park. We talked, I met his roomates, I met his cats, we rolled in the hay a bit more and I went home.
Truthfully, the evening wasn't all that exciting. And I think the very lack of excitment made me realize a few things. I realized that Josh and I have nothing to talk about. I dunno if we're just too afraid to ask each other questions, if he's just stressed because of the bar or what, but there was a marked absence of discussion during the 6 or so hours I was with him. I try to ask him questions, to get him to talk, and sometimes it works, but most of the time I can't think of anything to say to him. I mean, I know all of his crazy stories, I know all about his family, I know all about his band. I know everything I want to know about him.
But he never asks me anything about myself. I know all of his interests but I don't think he has a clue about mine. I would volunteer information only he never seems interested when I do. I just...I never get to tell him the things I think he should know. I want to tell him about Kirk especially since he's been on my mind alot recently. I want to tell him about my love of theater, about the books I like, about the music that moves me, about my poems, my relationship with my Mom, the movies I enjoy, my college experience. But he never asks, and I can never find a moment to volunteer.
And...half way through the evening it just hit me that I wasn't having fun. I was bored and just wanted to go home. That the sex wasn't reason enough reason for me to sit in a house with 7 cats for 6 hours! Not that the sex was bad, in fact it was markedly better then the last time. But...I just felt very distanced during it, like I was observing rather than participating. Even though it was new and different it was still...dull. There was something missing. That spark.
So now it seems even though I don't have to worry about Josh dumping me, I don't think I want to be with him. I don't want to pursue anything serious. Whatever I like about him I think is more a result of my own fantasies, my own romanticization of him then anything real. I want a specific thing and the less I see of my significant other the easier I can convince myself that the possess the traits I desire and the chemistry I crave.
I'm not gonna stop seeing him because...frankly I enjouy getting laid. And having someone who will take me out to dinner once in a while. And the social perks of having a boyfriend. But...this isn't gonna last. The foundation is shaky and it'll give with fairly little effort.
Yeah, so that realization kinda blew my mind. Never been with someone and realized that I didn't like them. I don't realize shit like that until my relationships are long over. And I'm still unclear on how to deal with this or what to do about it because...well this is unfamiliar territory. Gonna have to play it by ear.
The night ended on a bizarre note as well, on the 72 street platform I ran into Dylan. I shit you not. We stood there and spoke for a while. I won't repeat anything he said because...I could care less about his life. Very unfortuitous. And knowing my luck he'll start calling me again. UGH!!! The boy is so clueless. You'd think that he wouuld have realized after 4 years of un-returned phone calls that I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!!!
In other news Mom and I went to see Finding Nemo today. It was cute but I don't see what the big fuss over it has been. It's just a kids film. I didn't think it was unusually funny or original. It was just fun.
After reading this entry over I realize how sloppy my writing has gotten lately. Don't know what the reason for it is. But if you compare recent entries to ones written a year ago there is such a marked difference. The older ones contain a stronger voice and a clearer thought process. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm not funny or insightful anymore. My thoughts are a total mess on the page.
And I can't even find a good way to end an entry.
