I need a picture

Gosh darned it! Wish I had photo shop or some other kind of software that would allow me to shrink the pic I want to add to my livejournal. But every picture I come accross is to big.

MOM, WHEN THE HELL DO I GET MY NEW COMPUTER!!!!!!????????

What the hell?!

Why am I the only person on this site who cannot delete any of her entries? Seems like the rest of the world has got it all figured out! Not me though. No I press the edit button and nothing happens. I'd say ot was this retarded ass computer but I had the same problem on the computers in Founders. Maybe it's just me. Mom always said my electro magnetic field had a tendacy to fuck shit up. (Well she never siad it in those words but that's the basic gist of it.) Maybe my body just erases all the deletion related programming?

In other news, I updated my resume the other day. Today Michael called and told me how I could improve it. I'm not gonna take any of his advice though. It was all terribly trivial and in direct opposition to the resume preparation techniques I've always been taught in school. And since I worked hard for that diploma I'm gonna listen to my teachers rather than my older brother. All of my professors seem to have landed better jobs than him anyway.

Still trying to pin point the "correct" way to email a resume. Everyone says something different. Some people say you should always send it as an attatchment to the cover letter, other say you should NEVER send it as an attachment. I'm starting to think there really are no rules on how to email your resume. It's all just a mad free for all.

New York Press is looking for interns. I'm prolly gonna send my resume in to them. It would rock to work on one of the NY weeklies.

And I still haven't called Helen. Bad Carla. Then again she hasn't called me either so I don't feel all that bad.

That is all.

Does Anyone Read These? - SCN

Got this out of Gemma Bemma's journal.

1. First Memory
I remember having my diaper changed. No shit. I was lying on the blue dresser/changing table in my room. I was still and quiet. The air smelled like baby powder. And I was looking up at the shelf above the changing table. There was a small lamp on it. I remember staring up into the light.

2. First Pet
My grandparents had a lot of cats. Well, they weren't really THEIR cats, more like stray cats from around the neighbourhood who hung out in my grandparents yard because they always put food out for them. When I was six this beautiful Persian took up residence in the backyard. My cousin Talia named him Angel. I loved Angel I though he was the prettiest sweetest cat on earth. And we got along so well Grandma said that he could be my cat.

3. First Embarrassing Moment
The first one I can remember is from 5th grade. I was going to school at EDS and there was this really cute guy named Jason in my class. I had a massive crush on him. Anyway, one day we were smack dab in the middle of an English lesson when my teacher suddenly went on this weird diatribe about NYC. She explained to the kids how there were fire escapes on the outsides of the buildings, and most of the class, having never seen NY, were amazed. I was kinda homesick so I began to daydream about the city, and wonder when I would get to go back. After about 5 minutes I snapped out of it and tuned back into the lesson. Not one minute after I tuned back in Jason raised his hand and said outloud to the teacher and the whole class, "Ms. Sjoberg, will you PLEASE tell Carla to stop LOOKING at me!!!" I was mortified. While I was spacing I must have been looking in Jason's general direction. I turned bright red and felt utterly humiliated.

4. First "Best Friend"
Carey London from nursery school.

5. First Night Away from Home
I must have been in Kindergaten because I went to spend the night at Trilby's house. When it came time to go to bed I started crying uncontrolably and saying I wanted to go home. So Felicia called my Mom and she came and picked me up.

6. First Love
Patrick Kramer

7. First Unrequited Love
Patrick Kramer

8. First Unreturned Love
Patrick Kramer

9. First Kiss
Was with Louis Dees, my then boyfriend, when I was 15. It was just a little peck on the lips as we each went to our separate classes, but it just felt all wrong. We broke up the next day I think.

10. First Time
Was with Jason Rivers. I was 18 and on my college search. The first school I visited was Goddard College in Vermont. Jason was my host. I'd been holding out for true love but...there was just this chemistry between Jason and I. We had an instant connection. I felt totally at ease with him, I trusted him, I knew he woudn't hurt me. So I allowed our make out session to evolve into...more. And what could have easily become a one night stand turned into a 3 year relationship.

11. First Realization of My Sexuality
14, when I realized that if I fell in love with a girl I wouldn't hesitate to sleep with her.

12. First Bike
I had a red mickey mouse tricycle at my grandparents house.

13. First Car
I'll tell you when I get it.

14. First Time on a Motorcycle
Never been on one

15. First Plane Trip
I can't remember. Every summer my family flew down to Florida to visit my grandparents. I've been flying since I was born, possibly even before.

16. First Trip Abroad
Never been abroad

17. First Job
Cleaning Raub and Sellew Halls at Knox College.

18. First Apartment
Tell ya when I get one.

19. First Furniture Purchased New
N/A

20. First Regret
*shrugs* I try not to do anything I'll regret later.

21. First Fight
The closest I've ever come to a physical fight was a very heated confrontation between my older brother and I way back when I was 15 and he was...23. I don't remember what the arguement was about, but he was so going to punch me, and he changed his mind at the last moment and just threw me to the floor instead. First and only time he ever laid a violent hand on me.

22. First Broken Bone
I've never broken a bone :)

23. First Scar
The lovely dent I have right in the middle of my forehead. Got it when I was 2. Mom said Talia and I were jumping on Grandma's bed, and I fell and hit my head on the headboard.

24. First Hospital Stay
2003. St. Vincent's psychiatric ward.

25. First Automobile Accident
Heh heh, the fender bender Adam got into on the 4th of July. That was a riot. It was raining and as Adam broke for a stop light his car skidded a little and literally bumped the car in front of him. It was barely a tap and there was no damamge to either car, yet one of the people in the other car swore to high heaven she's gotten a concussion!!!

26. First Brush with Death
If I ever had a brush with death I didn't know it.

27. First Religious Experience
That's one I can't remember.

28. First Album
For either my sixth or eighth birthday, I don't recall which, Joan gave me a copy of Gracelend by Paul Simon.

29. First Concert
Sarah Mclachlan free show at the Summer Stage in Central Park. I was 14.

30. First Arena Concert
Rage Against the Machine at Nassau Colusseum.

31. First Time on Television
Like I've ever been on television!

32. First Movie That Scared the Shit Out of Me
First one I remember being utter terrified after was Predator. Saw it when I was 12 and was convinced for months after that it was gonna come get me.

33. First Movie I Saw More Than Once
I think it was The Lost Boys. That was my pre-Matrix movie obsession. Watched it everyday after school for months! Saw it 24 times, stopped counting after that. In fact I watched it again this evening. I know the entire script by heart.

34. First Theft
I had my wallet stolen last year.

35. First Run-In with the Law
Never had one.

36. First Vote in a Public Election
The Mayoral election before this last one. Ya know? The one where Guiliani got re-elected? I don't remember what year that was. I voted for Sal Albanese.

37. First Public Nudity
Never.

38. First Drunk
The night Danni and I messed around. We were both way too scared to make a move while sober, so we drank heavily that day. I was 16. I had some red wine, and a couple fazzy navels and I was GONE!

39. First Illegal Drug Use
When I was 15. Everyone was smoking weed and I wanted to see what the big deal was. So one day during class I asked George the drug dealer to hook me up, and he invited me to smoke a joint with he and a few other people after school. So at the end of the day me, George, Erik, and Jonah stood on the corner of 14th St. and Second Ave and smoked a joint. I wasn't impressed. It didn't do anything other then make me nauseous. Went directly to my shrink appointment afterwards. I was so NOT stoned that he couldn't tell I'd smoked up.

40. First Death of Family Member or Friend
My grandmother in 1989.

41. First Funeral
Grandma 1989

42. First Wedding
My cousins Sal and Maria's wedding when I was 11. The first and last time I ever saw my parents dance together.

43. First Time I Felt "Like an Adult"
I have yet to feel like one.

44. First Forced Apology
I can't remember ever being forced to apologize for anything. I mean, i'm sure my Mom tried to make me but I was such a stubborn kid I don't think I ever said "I'm sorry" because I never ever thought I was wrong.

45. First Time I Lost My Shit
This question is too vague. I can't answer it.

46. First Time I Was Impressed with Myself
When I read my first sentence in Kindergarten. I remember all the other kids had picked up on it really fast, but I was having a hard time sounding out words, and translating what was written on the page into actual idea. But one day it just clicked and I was ecstatic. Just so happened my Mom was at the school that day. She came to visit the classroom and i just ran up to here and read a page out of my work book to her. I was SOOOO excited.

47. First Bad Haircut
I was 8 and Mom made me cut it to my ears. I hated it, it made me look chubby.

48. First Piece of Clothing I Loved
I had this great party dress when I was a little kid. It had a dark blue skirt, a white blousy top, and a black floral print vest. I wore it whenever I had the chance.

49. First Realization that Not Everyone Else is Like Me
Fifth grade when I went to private school in Florida with all these rich white kids. Although it was more of a realization that I wasn't like everyone else.

50. First Computer Encounter
I must have been 5. Michael got a computer for Christmas. He loved it and never let me play with it.

Air Vent

Okay I'm pissed and while normally I would vent my frustration in my SCN journal, this rant is going to be ABOUT the SCN journal, so therefore it needs to be written in a place where SCNers can't read it!!!!

So I wrote an entry the other day, a relatively tame entry, I'd even say it was a BORING entry. And in that entry I passed on a little bit of gossip that Steffi told Tina told me. (Told Gayle and Gemma. :) )

So anyway I get an email from Steffi this morning about the entry. First off I didn't even know Steffi read my journal. Tina must have given her the address cause I know I sure as hell never did! Anyway she wrote that she hadn't expected Tina to pass the information on like that, and that she feels uncomfortable having it posted publically cause, oh, what if Lindsey reads it, then she'll get mad. Mind you she never came out and asked me to delete the entry or make it private. Steffi isn't like that, she only hints. And basically she was giving me a guilt trip because I wrote something down that she hadn't wanted Tina to tell me, even though she never told Tina that she didn't want her to say anything to me.

First off: NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR SECRETS OR ANYONE ELSES ARE SAFE!!!! I learned a long time ago that no one in my immediate group of friends can keep a secret. Me, Tina, Heather, Gayle, NONE OF US ARE TO BE TRUSTED!!!! Unless you explicitly say "Don't tell anyone about this" we assume it's fine to pass on to others. We are gossip whores of the highest degree, we love being all up in each others and everyone elses business. I'm surprised Steffi hasn't figured this out seeing as she's been hanging with all of us for over three years now.

Anyway I resent being made to feel guilty over something that isn't my fault. I wasn't the one who passed the information on when I shouldn't have. Nor do I appreciate Steffi's hints. I believe in being up front about shit. I think we should all be brave enough to say exactly what we mean. I'm not gonna remove the entry unless she flat out asks me to. It's my fucking journal and I'll write whatever I damn well want in it.

And that's the third thing. I am so sick and tired of people razzing me for writing shit in my journal. I mean the SCN journal is basically in internet no man's land. A limited number of Knoxian know where it is and even fewer read it on a regular basis. What should she or Lindsey for that matter, care if a bunch of strangers know their secrets? No one who plays an important role in either of their lives is going to read that entry. And jesus christ it's my damn life! I've told people, I've warned them flat out when they've started frindships with me that I am a memoir writer and therefore they run the risk of having stuff they say and do recorded in my writings simply because I write about my life and if your life bleeds into mine then that makes it fair game. Your life effects me. Things you say and do have an impact on me and I will write about that impact. If you don't want to be written about don't fucking talk to me!!! And/or be sure my friends don't talk to me about you.

Thing is it's only these crazy ass anal retentive people who have a problem with it. I write about Gayle constantly, and i don't always say nice shit about her. Ditto for Tina, ditto for Gemma. But NONE of them have ever told me to not write about them. They make clear the information that is just between the two of us and I don't spread it around. And they also realize that if something bad is happening to them and they are confiding in me, I am going to feel something about it and I am going to need to express it somehow. They let me do it, they don't try to censor me.

I'm sorry if Steffi does not know how to stop the flow of information within a group. Not my problem. In a clique situation your right to privacy only extends as far as your own skill in keeping it contained.