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I'm feeling remarkably clear right now. Think I may have had some sort of epiphany at the show last night. That's right, Carla found meaning at the Stephen Malkmus Show in Williamsburg Brooklyn. Of all places.
Realization # 1: I'm not fit for society.
Okay so we get to the bar/club where the concert is and it's all crowded and full of these crazy trendy twenty-somethings mingling and drinking and it is very weird for me. First because I do not look like ANYONE else in the entire place. I'm sitting there in a striped sweater, flare cut off jeans and sneakers. All the girls are dolled up in these cute little hey-look-I'm-a-chick-at-a-rock-show outfits; all the guys are very urban chic. They all look like fucking Andy Rea, Dave K, and Eileen. In short we have here a club full of people I would never ever interact with and who likewise would never ever interact with me.
Second, it has been three years since I have gone to a rock show and during those three years my social life has changed dramatically. I've stopped going to frat parties, stopped going to concerts, stopped going to house parties. Basically I've stopped going to places filled with crowds and requiring mingling. In the last three years I've developed something of a social phobia; crowds, drinking, forced socializing, pretty people, all cause me EXTREME anxiety. And I WANT it that way. I inspired this fear in myself so I would stop having meaningless sex, and it worked. I stopped going to the places where I could hook up with people, fostered a disgust in myself of such places and voila, Carla is no longer a slut! So it only makes sense that this fear and disgust would carry over into a situation where I didn't even have the intention of hooking up with anyone: the rock show.
So by the time the openning act began I was feeling very uneasy. I was suffering from sensory overload, and the crowd was making me feel very trapped, like my space was being violated. Then to top it all off the openning band sucked. I was trapped in a crowd listening to a bad band watching my own anxiety levels skyrocket. So basically I shut down. It's the only thing to do when the world becomes too much for you. Thats's basically what depression is: it's sensory and anxiety overload leading to implosion.
So I was in a bad mood and had retreated to my head. And I realized that this just isn't my scene anymore. Concerts, clubs, parties, socializing, I HATE IT!!!! I mean, I never was much of a social butterfly, but I could have a good time in a crowd of strangers. But now I've come to a point where not only CAN'T I have fun in a crowd of strangers, I DON'T WANT TO!!!
People don't interest me. Connecting with people doesn't interest me. I like staying inside and watching TV, reading my books, hanging out with the friends I have, going places with my family. That's it!!! I know it sounds a little monastic but...that was the realization; that this sheltered life is what I want! I don't want to interact with the outside world, I want to reside in one of my own creation.
Aside from that, my mood improved after Stephen got on stage. He rocked.
Realization # 2: I have always been a nonfiction writer.
Okay this one didn't occur at the concert, but rather a few moments ago as I was searching for quotes to include in my intro to demonstrate my mastry of dialogue. I was pouring over fictional pieces from as far back as 7th grade and I discovered that none of it was actually made up. Most of my stories, even when I was 12 were fictionalized accounts of things that had actually happened to me, and the dialogue was ripped from actual conversations I'd had with people, therefore I haven't really written my own dialogue since 7th grade.
This wasn't a bad realization, it was more surprising than anything else. It shows that memoir has always been my calling. All through college I've been confounded by my rejection of fiction, only I have never written fiction. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I write memoir and I always have :)
Realization # 1: I'm not fit for society.
Okay so we get to the bar/club where the concert is and it's all crowded and full of these crazy trendy twenty-somethings mingling and drinking and it is very weird for me. First because I do not look like ANYONE else in the entire place. I'm sitting there in a striped sweater, flare cut off jeans and sneakers. All the girls are dolled up in these cute little hey-look-I'm-a-chick-at-a-rock-show outfits; all the guys are very urban chic. They all look like fucking Andy Rea, Dave K, and Eileen. In short we have here a club full of people I would never ever interact with and who likewise would never ever interact with me.
Second, it has been three years since I have gone to a rock show and during those three years my social life has changed dramatically. I've stopped going to frat parties, stopped going to concerts, stopped going to house parties. Basically I've stopped going to places filled with crowds and requiring mingling. In the last three years I've developed something of a social phobia; crowds, drinking, forced socializing, pretty people, all cause me EXTREME anxiety. And I WANT it that way. I inspired this fear in myself so I would stop having meaningless sex, and it worked. I stopped going to the places where I could hook up with people, fostered a disgust in myself of such places and voila, Carla is no longer a slut! So it only makes sense that this fear and disgust would carry over into a situation where I didn't even have the intention of hooking up with anyone: the rock show.
So by the time the openning act began I was feeling very uneasy. I was suffering from sensory overload, and the crowd was making me feel very trapped, like my space was being violated. Then to top it all off the openning band sucked. I was trapped in a crowd listening to a bad band watching my own anxiety levels skyrocket. So basically I shut down. It's the only thing to do when the world becomes too much for you. Thats's basically what depression is: it's sensory and anxiety overload leading to implosion.
So I was in a bad mood and had retreated to my head. And I realized that this just isn't my scene anymore. Concerts, clubs, parties, socializing, I HATE IT!!!! I mean, I never was much of a social butterfly, but I could have a good time in a crowd of strangers. But now I've come to a point where not only CAN'T I have fun in a crowd of strangers, I DON'T WANT TO!!!
People don't interest me. Connecting with people doesn't interest me. I like staying inside and watching TV, reading my books, hanging out with the friends I have, going places with my family. That's it!!! I know it sounds a little monastic but...that was the realization; that this sheltered life is what I want! I don't want to interact with the outside world, I want to reside in one of my own creation.
Aside from that, my mood improved after Stephen got on stage. He rocked.
Realization # 2: I have always been a nonfiction writer.
Okay this one didn't occur at the concert, but rather a few moments ago as I was searching for quotes to include in my intro to demonstrate my mastry of dialogue. I was pouring over fictional pieces from as far back as 7th grade and I discovered that none of it was actually made up. Most of my stories, even when I was 12 were fictionalized accounts of things that had actually happened to me, and the dialogue was ripped from actual conversations I'd had with people, therefore I haven't really written my own dialogue since 7th grade.
This wasn't a bad realization, it was more surprising than anything else. It shows that memoir has always been my calling. All through college I've been confounded by my rejection of fiction, only I have never written fiction. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I write memoir and I always have :)
