I Will Never

...get to hug Kirk again.

...be able to look into those gorgeous brown eyes of his again.

...go out for pizza with him again.

...cuddle with him on my couch again.

...walk with him in the park.

...get to hold his hand again.

...kiss him

...get to touch him again.

...listen to all the smart and original things he had to say.

...rub noses with him again.

...be able to tell him how much I care about him.

...get to flirt with him again.

...get to bring him home to meet my mother

...fall asleep in his arms.

...get another email or voice message from him.

...see his aprtment.

...meet his family.

...get to touch his beard again.

...get to buy him a birthday present.

...hear him tell me how wonderful I am.

...watch TV with him again.

Don't Have the Words

I'm not going to class today. I can't, I'm emotionally battered. Dean Bailey agreed to excuse any absences I may incur due to Kirk.

I was only able to sleep for three hours last night. I woke up this morning thinking of him.

It's all the same thoughts running through my head: why did he do it? what was he thinking? did he cry? was it an impulsive act or did he really want to die this time? what kind of pain was he in? was there anything that could have been done to save him? And on and on.

I've been looking up various suicide survivors websites on the net, and they all say you should keep asking why until you don't need to know why anymore. Because you will never find out. But you do need to ask as part of the grieving process.

My mood swings from numbness to complete devastation. Right now as I'm writing this, I feel stunned, I feel blank. But just a few moments agao when I decided I wanted to write this entry, I was crying.

I try to find good things about this. At least he will never suffer, physically or emotionally, ever ever again. He will not feel alone or isolated. He will never grow old, I will always remember him young and vital. He will not have to carry the burdens of life upon his back any longer.

As I reminisce about his pain I am finding that I didn't know jack shit about what kind of pain he was in. He never spoke about it. He never told anybody why he wanted to kill himself so badly. He never wanted to burden other with his problems. I don't know what it was about life that he found so unbearable. He talked about his cold and abusive mother, about being isolated, being bored, unemployed, broke, having no friends, but he always brushed it all off like they were no big deal. If that stuff didn't contribute to it then what did? It probably mattered more then I realized. Only there was nothing I could do to change any of it.

Alan says Kirk lived to die. And he is right. It was his primary goal all summer long, and in that sense he was dead before I even met him. After that first attempt back in July he was gone. He was going to keep trying until he got it right. And he did. If he had some how failed this weekend, he would have tried again and again until he got the result he wanted. It didn't help that he wasn't getting any good psychiatric treatment. St. Vincent's was a joke. And his aftercare was atrocious! Alan even suggests that Kirk was misdiagnosed. He thinks Kirk had an obscure form of schizophrenia, as oppose to major depression. Alan is the smartest shrink I've ever met so I trust his judgement.

All Kirk really wanted was to die. Maybe I should be happy that he finally got the thing he so desired.

Kirk made me two promises when we started, going out I guess. He said he would never cheat on me, and he would never break up with me.

He made good on both promises.

But no matter how much I pushed him, he never promised he wouldn't kill himself. Even after the second attempt when I told him that his death would have completely unhinged me.

He always said he knew he would die by his own hand whether it was a day, a month, or thirty years later. He alwayse said he would come to an unfortunate end. Even so, I chose to care about him mistakenly hoping that I might inspire within him a reason to live. I was thinking that if things kept going well between us I might not move to Chicago after school, but go back to NY and con him into getting a real apartment with me. He used to always say stuff about us living together one day, and how we had lots of time so we didn't need to rush into anything. The last time I saw him he was like "I'll see you when you come back for Christmas. I have a feeling, it's gonna be a very special time for us."

He was looking forward to spending more time with me. What made him throw that away so suddenly?

Words are failing me now. I think I need to go.

Kirk Nachamkin
Oct. 7, 1973 - Sept. 13, 2002
Rest in Peace

For Me

Suggestions for Survivors

1. Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.

2. Struggle with "why" it happened until you no longer need to know "why" or until you are satisfied with partial answers.

3. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal.

4. Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, your are in mourning.

5. Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It’s okay to express it.

6. You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret, through forgiveness.

7. Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.

8. Remember to take one moment or one day at a time.

9. Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.

10. Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.

11. Give yourself time to heal.

12. Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life.

13. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.

14. Try to put off major decisions.

15. Give yourself permission to get professional help.

16. Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.

17. Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.

18. Set your own limits and learn to say no.

19. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.

20. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide groups. If not, ask a professional to start one.

21. Call on your personal faith to help you through.

22. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, e.g., headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep.

23. The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing.

24. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.

25. Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.