No More Tina

Email received from Tina ths morning.

Hi Chica!

Sorry the last week was so stressful for you. It's been kind of
frustrating on this end, unpacking from Chautauqua and then hanging my work
up around CFA it was busy. Plus the new job. BUt to get to my point I
tried to call tonite but you were sleeping. I wanted to talk about
something I have been debating since the spring. I talked alot about it
with john haslem, lynette, and deaN Bailey. What i was debating was
moving my sorry ass to a single. Somewheres. Its not so easy to explain
why but I'll give it a shot. Last week Craig Southern found me one in
Williston. Well, thing is last term was pretty hard, and you werent
feeling good and I was pretty overwhelmed and swamped. What bugged me
the whole time was how i felt when i got home, i felt like i didnt want
to be there. But I just basically spent all my time in the studio as
u noticed. Anyway, what I know is that your one of my favorite people
and I love being around you, but not when it feels bad. I got
frustrated alot last year. It really got me upset and I knew you were feeling
bad so I did not want to go hey you know what i hate coming home. Maybe
it is because you felt so bad and I didnt know what to do. But this
summer i thought alot, and I changed some too, i have been feeling alot
better about myself alot more confident and motivated. what I am
honestly worried about is that if I am around you and you are still not
feeling happy, I might get upset because Ill feel bad that I cant make you
happier. Then I will get depressed and get you more depressed or spend
all my time in the studio afraid to come home. I want to be able to
hang out with you and enjoy it. Truth is last year i didnt. And it was
not because you were bad company, or anything it was because how sad you
were. I dont know what really to say, I bet you will be mad but I
probably would be too, but i think it is for the best, I know that I really
need to focus this year, and I think you do too. Lynette and JOhn
Haslem are well the major force in this not that I am not the one making
the decision but they both feel it is the best thing for me. ANd maybe
that is selfish. I really want to get through this year, with out
cutting without feeling bad. I just want to have fun hanging out with you
again, and last year i didnt feel that and I didnt like it at all. But
I am pretty sure Im going to move. I feel bad but I also feel good.
You know what I am going to stop rambling maybe you will think of the
questions I cant think of, and help me figure this out. MOst of all I
really need you to help me here and understand. Ill try calling yo
utomorrow night. Talk to you later. Take Care
Luv
Tina

Sour Girl

This was my response.

:`(

Tina,

No I'm not mad at you at all. I had no idea I was the reason you spent so much time at the studio last year. You should have told me last year that you didn't like coming home to me. It's a feeling I can surely relate to, having lived with Mary so long. I wish you had mentioned this to me. True, last year there wasn't much I could have done about it since I was prtty incapacitated, but I would have liked to know. If I had known I could have at least made the effort to make things more comfortable for you. Since you never said anything to me, I just assumed you understood why i was crying all the time, and sleeping 24/7.

I am a little sad because I really was looking forward to living with you this year. And believe it or not, even if you hated coming home last year i was always overjoyed when you did. I would sit at home all alone and depressed praying for you to hurry home because just talkin gto you, even about silly mundane shit, always made me feel better. You did tons to life me out of my funk and I was thankful to have you as a roomate.

I can understand your concerns though. I don't want you to cut this year either, and I want you to succeed and make the Dean's List every term again :) I'm in the same boat you are, I HAVE to succeed this year. One of the things i've been counting on to get me through it, is my living situation. Having two wonderful friends to come home to and laugh with, whose company I enjoy, who can take me away from school when need be. I know you are scared that my depression will drag you down too. But I want you to know I've been feeling much better the last few weeks. My shrink raised my Zoloft dosage and 100mgs is doing wonders! I'm actually excited and optinistic about starting school this week. I'm going to be seeing a counselor on a regular basis, and now have lots of new coping strategies to help me should I start to feel bad again. But I feel good now, and wth you and Gemma at my side I can't see myself sinking as low as I did last year.

It sounds as though you have already made up your mind. Even so I'm going to reiterate that you don't have to leave. I'm feeling much better then I was when I left last year, and I have a much better idea of how to help myself. Now that I KNOW I was making you uncomfortable, I can actually take steps to see that I DON'T do it again this year. Also i think the fact that we have more than one room to ourselves this year will imporve things dramatically. If one of us is feeling bad we won't have to be stuck in the same room together. Like yourself, with work, class, school work (you know I can't do homework in my room:D) I don't plan on being home very often either. I was so looking forward to spending time with you doing domestic things like hanging paintings around the house, watching TV together, making dinner, (or maybe just watching you and Gemma make dinner, and handing you untensils as needed.) I know you are moving out but i just had to offer a counter arguement to try and convince you to stay.

I don't blame you for moving. I just wish you would re-consider. Not that I wouldn't love to have a sngle of my own, but the entire apartment would just be so much livlier with you living there. God now I'm starting to cry, can you believe it? I really wish you wouldn't go, but I understand if you do, and I won't be mad at you, just sad that I drove you away.

Well if you ever decide during the year, you want to move back in the invitation is open. I'd welcme you with open arms. I have missed you terribly this summer. I'm sorry I made last year so difficult for you. I didn't know. I wish I could take it back.

Loving you more than anything,

Carla