Conversations With God

Hi there. Believe me when I say I have tons of stuff to write about. I've been thinking about...well...everything, all morning and I've had some really awesome ideas. Now it's just a matter of remembering all of them.

Okay, yesterday, on a whim, I pulled my old Conversations With God guidebook off the shelf and started reading parts of it. I had forgotten what a truly uplifting and practical book that is. Anyway I was reading a chapter on divine messages, how God is talking to us all the time we just need to learn how to listen, and how your highest thought and actions are really Gods word. So there is a list of questions about times when you feel you have become larger then yourself, done something you didn't think you could do. And I thought that keeping this journal is one way that I am larger then myself.

Allow me to explain. When I first saw Gemma typing in her online journal last fall I remember thinking how cool it looked. She was able to express her inner most feelings and at the same time share them with an audience. There is just something so brave and so vulnerable about doing that, about exposing yourself in that way. And it appealed to me. I always enjoyed keeping journals but always seemed to find a reason to fall behind on them. So I thought maybe a public journal would help that some how. I guess it appealed to the same side of me that enjoys DJing, the self-important, unapologetic, exhibitionistic side.

I am able to get over a lot of hurdles through this that I can't seem to bring myself to change in real life. For instance, here I always express my true feelings, something that is still very hard for me to do in real life. I make make myself vulnerable and I open myself up to critiscism, another thing I take great care not to do in real life. Through writing in this journal I find myself taking risks that I haven't been able to take in the past. And that makes me larger then life. It makes this journal a mission of almost spiritual importance to me.

Not only do I feel releived after writing here, but I also feel as though I've connected with people. When I get emails from strangers telling me how much they enjoy reading my journal, how much they identify with what I've gone through, what a good writer I am, I feel as though I've reached out to someone, as though I've touched something I wouldn't have had the courage or opportunity to any other way.

I think when I write I am brave.

When I write and when I think about what I am writing I am connecting with people, with Goddess, with myself. I am realizing things I would not allow myself to realize before. I find what I love. I love people, and cities, and politics.

I realized today that the Goddess loves the Al Quada as well as the USA. She doesn't take sides and she protects everyone. The Islamic fundamentalists have every reason to hate America. In fact most countries have every right to hate America because weve done some pretty shitty things. Goddess supports thier political agenda which is why she allowed 9-11 to happen and why she allowed Osama Bin Laden to live. However she does not support their means in achieveing thier ends. I draw this conclusion from the millions and millions of little miracles that occurred on 9-11. The brothers and sisters that were late for work and escaped death, the people who left the buildings before they collapsed. While we may have hundreds of horror stories of that day we also have hundreds of unexplained miracles, lives that could have easily been lost but for some reason were not. Just a random train of thought I had today.

But back to the highest thought thing I was talking about. I've been thinking that I don't really want to go to grad school at least not now. I'd rather get a job and learn how to take care of myself. So today I was making a list of areas I might like to work in. Now we aren't talking in terms of logic here. This is a list my inner child put together while thinking Wow wouldnt it be cool to work at (fill in the blank) when I grow up! Heres what I have so far

Television
Theater
Newspaper
Magazine
Radio Station
Occult Shop
Write New Age Books

And speaking of lists, (I can segue into anything can't I?) Gayle wrote me the other day and was saying that she was listing and rating all the boys she has kissed since Dane. So I started thinking about all the people I've kissed and realized there are way too many for me to rate. Hell I can't even remember what it was like to kiss most of them! I've kissed....18 people since I was 15 and got my first kiss. Even though I can't remember if any of them were any good at least I can remember their names...mostly. Okay here we go....

Louis Dees
Alex Calle
Adam Michelus
Jimmy Graham
Corey Colon
Danni Carpenter
Jason Rivers
Michael Wagner
Wes Robinson
Ian Wells
Clark Bernier
Nick Grover
Jimmy (Last name unknown, friend of Libby's)
Erin Severs
Marc Schumann
Kevin Sharkey
Wes Williams
Adrienne Hill

Is that 18? I think it is. I don't feel like counting.

BTW guess who called me last night? ERIN! After a year the girl finally called me. I was on my way out the door to meet Paul so I didn't get a chance to talk with her, but I got her number and will call her sometime this week. We have so much to catch up on and I want to tell her all about Adrienne.

I did get to see Paul last night. He is much cuter in person :) Both of us were tired though so I don't know how well our meeting went last night. We are both also colossally indecisive so making decisions together is BAD NEWS. Even worse then with me and Jason. Anyhow I opted not to hang out with him this afternoon because its just too damn hot. But we are gonna get together for dinner later tonight.

And thanks to Gayle my hair is not frizzy even in all this humidity. The FX product she recommended really works. My hair is all pretty and FLAT right now just the way I like it.

Okay enough rambling. Back to...whatever.

Carla