Once More With Feeling

I've said it before and I'll say it again even if it does sound cheesy and sad, Buffy the Vampire Slayer totally mirrors my life. I just got done watching the musical episode Once More With Feeling. Oh my Goddess that was one of the most intense Buffys I've ever seen. Buffy revealed that she had been in heaven, and Tara and Giles both decided it was time for them to leave. They had a duet that made me fucking cry!

And even though I know the only reason I was crying was because I haven't been on my meds for a few days because I was too lazy to go get them last week, the episode still moved me.

Buffy's life always mirrors mine, when she lost her virginity so did I, she went to college, so did I, her true love left her, so did mine, she slept with a guy and he turned on her and...well you get the picture. And now she feels empty and so do I.

I've been so full of emptiness this year. Thing after awful thing has happened and now I'm so sad that I'm numb. I know that is why I don't go after Adrienne, because I'm so scared of being rejected, of adding one more hurt to the many that I would rather not have that one moment of pleasure in being with her than to go for it and than have it taken away. Does that make sense?

And I hurt because I know I shouldn't feel this way, or rather because people say I shouldn't. Because society doesn't accept people who feel the way I do all the time. Because they say we must be fixed. They give us pills to make us change, to make us be what they want us to be. I don't enjoy being sad all the time but I'm convinced if people just accepted that this is how I am I'd have an easier time with it. If I knew it was okay just to be who I am. And the chemicals in my brain make me depressive. That's who I am. I can't help it anymore than a black man can help the color of his skin. It's there and I have to deal with it. Why won't anyone else? Why doesn't anyone see that this is who I am? I'm sad and that does not make me defective.

Goddess just really loves variety.

I am that variety.

A Little Later...

It's like an hour since I last wrote. I have downloaded all of the songs from "Once More With Feeling" onto Tina's computer and am now listening to them over and over and over again. I love Tara's Song, it is making me happy.

And since it's a lesbian love song I am of course thinking about my same sex love affairs and why the hell I don't want to get with Adrienne, yet I still wouldn't mind making out with, oh just about any guy who might come around.

I'm different when it comes to girls. My relationships with women are more special to me than the ones I have with men. I think about what made my first (and only) kiss with Dannielle so important and why I felt so uncomfortable that night we messed around. Well to answer the first, it was so special because I was in love with her, and to answer the second it was because Heath was there. Kind of spoiled it to have a boy present, and to know that he was the one she was in love with.

I think men are more disposable than women are. I think I'm more open to the idea of having a deep meaningful relationship with a girl. I dont know why, but I'm just so picky when it comes to them, I take my feelings for women much more seriously then I take my feelings for men. Consequently I'm more open to having meaningless flings with boys (or seeing as I'm so emotional, lets just say very short term relationships.) I guess I just expect more from women and less from men. Men are not relationship material, women are.

Thats why it's hard for me to have a fling with a girl or a normal relationship with a guy. That's one of the contributing factors to my relationship with Erin, I couldn't stand not being in love with her. I'm not in love with Adrienne, and she isn't looking for anything serious, maybe that's why I can't bring myself to make out with her.

I ramble too much. Let's listen to Tara's Song again.

Under Your Spell

Lyrics to the Buffy song I cant stop listening to. As I write I am listening to it for the sixth time in a row.

Under Your Spell (Tara)

I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didnt seem so sad, though
I figured that was my place
Now I’m bathed in light
Something just isnt right

I’m under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
Its magic, I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me out so easily

I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I was the only one there
But your power shone
Brighter than any I’ve known

I’m under your spell
Nothing I can do
You just took my soul with you
You worked your charm so well
Finally, I knew
Everything I dreamed was true

You made me believe

The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside

I’m under your spell
Surging like the sea
Wanting you so helplessly
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my willow tree

You make me com-plete
You make me com-plete
You make me com-plete
You make me—