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Good Days No More
Mar. 12th, 2002 01:32 amI was feeling....mediocre. Than I was stupid and I IMed Kevin. Now I feel like crying again.
There was no fighting or anything. The conversation only lasted like 10 minutes. But I asked him how he was doing. And he says he is doing great. Had a great weekend. That's what he said about his weekend the last time we broke up. Said he felt better then he had in a while.
It makes me sad because...well he's obviously better off without me. And it makes me think maybe everyone would be better off without me. Maybe everyone would be happier if I weren't around. I mean, just look at me! I'm a fucking psycho freak! No one should have to deal with a person who is completely emotionally unstable, who keeps wanting to die, who hates herself more than any other living being on this planet!
Even though I know he and I would never work, I wish he were miserable. I wish I was missed. I wish I didn't have this chemical imbalance that makes it impossible for anyone to love me. I wish I didn't have to rely on meds and therapy to get me through life. A life spent in constant pain and examination doesn't seem worth living to me.
I hate this. I really hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that there are so many people who are now better off now that I am out of their lives. Jason is finally in a long term stable relationship, Marc has Mara, Kevin is happy, Leigh found her niche. They are all better without me and none of them miss me in the least. None of them wish we could regain what we once had, or even care about establishing a new and improved relationship of any kind.
I just want to be unconditionally loved for who I am, with all my psychosis and ugliness.
But I'm like a big brown monster.
Nobody likes monsters.
There was no fighting or anything. The conversation only lasted like 10 minutes. But I asked him how he was doing. And he says he is doing great. Had a great weekend. That's what he said about his weekend the last time we broke up. Said he felt better then he had in a while.
It makes me sad because...well he's obviously better off without me. And it makes me think maybe everyone would be better off without me. Maybe everyone would be happier if I weren't around. I mean, just look at me! I'm a fucking psycho freak! No one should have to deal with a person who is completely emotionally unstable, who keeps wanting to die, who hates herself more than any other living being on this planet!
Even though I know he and I would never work, I wish he were miserable. I wish I was missed. I wish I didn't have this chemical imbalance that makes it impossible for anyone to love me. I wish I didn't have to rely on meds and therapy to get me through life. A life spent in constant pain and examination doesn't seem worth living to me.
I hate this. I really hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that there are so many people who are now better off now that I am out of their lives. Jason is finally in a long term stable relationship, Marc has Mara, Kevin is happy, Leigh found her niche. They are all better without me and none of them miss me in the least. None of them wish we could regain what we once had, or even care about establishing a new and improved relationship of any kind.
I just want to be unconditionally loved for who I am, with all my psychosis and ugliness.
But I'm like a big brown monster.
Nobody likes monsters.
