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More Than a Woman
Mar. 9th, 2002 04:39 pmHi,
I stumbled upon Adrienne's livejournal last night purely by accident. I was just feeling bad and randomly roaming the site and then suddenly, ta da, there she was. So I sent her an email in response (she has this great link on her journal where you can donate oral sex to her :)) I donated 7 acts of oral sex, one for each day of the week. And she emailed me asking for my online journal address.
Hmmm.
Should I send it to her? If I do she will read and know that I like her. I don't know if I want her to know for sure. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of keeping her...well...AS an idea, you know. I am feeling so fucked up right now. I honestly have no interest in sex. Flirting is fine, it boosts one's self esteem. But I really don't want to get into anything with anyone right now. I don't want sex, I don't want to fuck around, a relationship would be nice but I'm in no state to participate fully in one. I'm afriad if she knows I like her then something I don't have the will power to resist will start to happen. Now maybe I am naive in thinking this. Maybe she doesn't like me at all. But you know me, I worry a lot about stupid shit.
I had a new really awful thought about myself last night as I was felling asleep. I thought of all the nasty stuff going on in my head, and I thought of that stuff penetrating my body, just breaking in a taking over. I visualized it as this brown, stinking, rotting mush that just slid down and filled my body, making the entire thing repulsive. I could see my body as this big lump of decay. And I thought of how no one would ever want to touch such disgusting thing.
Yeah, I'm not healthy.
And then I was talking to my mom today. I sent her the link to my diary because I wanted her to know that I had become a featured writer, but I didn't expect her to actually be able to access it since she doesn't have the internet at work. Sure we have internet at home but mom ain't too computer savvy so I didn't think she'd be able to figure out how to access it at home. Well now that Mikey is home again he has been trying to get her to the site. Which is not good. There is plenty of stuff in here I would not want my mom to read. I definitely worry about her reading the recent entries where I'm feeling all suicidal and shit. The last fucking thing I need is for her to start worrying about me and telling me I need to be in therapy and trying to butt her nose in where it doesn't belong. I haven't slit my wrists yet. I know how to take care of myself, I've been consciously dealing with these feelings for 8 years now. I know how to control them and when I lose control of them I know how to reign them in. I don't want her doing anything or calling anyone that could fuck up my spring term. I want to graduate more than I want...well just about anything else. And the only reason I haven't gone to see a counseler yet is because seeing one could endanger the liklihood of me succeeding at that goal. As soon as I find out that I have insurance again I'm gonna haul my ass over to Prompt Care and get some more Paxil. I've been off it for probably a month now so that is probably contribuating heavily to the amount of gook in my brain.
On a happy note, I think I have decided what I'm gonna write my philosophy paper about. I'm gonna write it about the relationship between love and revolution. bell hooks says social revolution must be based on love. I'm going to examine why she thinks this and what its implications towards means and ends are. By that I mean how a strong base in love must inspire us to act in implimenting social change. In this I'm gonna draw on the earlier, more militant works of Malcolm X and some of Matin Luther King Jrs stuff. Is reactionist violence a viable path towards change when operating from a place of love? Arguing this point is going to be tough for me because I believe violence is a valid way to achieve social change. However I definitely don't think it is loving. This should be interesting.
I stumbled upon Adrienne's livejournal last night purely by accident. I was just feeling bad and randomly roaming the site and then suddenly, ta da, there she was. So I sent her an email in response (she has this great link on her journal where you can donate oral sex to her :)) I donated 7 acts of oral sex, one for each day of the week. And she emailed me asking for my online journal address.
Hmmm.
Should I send it to her? If I do she will read and know that I like her. I don't know if I want her to know for sure. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of keeping her...well...AS an idea, you know. I am feeling so fucked up right now. I honestly have no interest in sex. Flirting is fine, it boosts one's self esteem. But I really don't want to get into anything with anyone right now. I don't want sex, I don't want to fuck around, a relationship would be nice but I'm in no state to participate fully in one. I'm afriad if she knows I like her then something I don't have the will power to resist will start to happen. Now maybe I am naive in thinking this. Maybe she doesn't like me at all. But you know me, I worry a lot about stupid shit.
I had a new really awful thought about myself last night as I was felling asleep. I thought of all the nasty stuff going on in my head, and I thought of that stuff penetrating my body, just breaking in a taking over. I visualized it as this brown, stinking, rotting mush that just slid down and filled my body, making the entire thing repulsive. I could see my body as this big lump of decay. And I thought of how no one would ever want to touch such disgusting thing.
Yeah, I'm not healthy.
And then I was talking to my mom today. I sent her the link to my diary because I wanted her to know that I had become a featured writer, but I didn't expect her to actually be able to access it since she doesn't have the internet at work. Sure we have internet at home but mom ain't too computer savvy so I didn't think she'd be able to figure out how to access it at home. Well now that Mikey is home again he has been trying to get her to the site. Which is not good. There is plenty of stuff in here I would not want my mom to read. I definitely worry about her reading the recent entries where I'm feeling all suicidal and shit. The last fucking thing I need is for her to start worrying about me and telling me I need to be in therapy and trying to butt her nose in where it doesn't belong. I haven't slit my wrists yet. I know how to take care of myself, I've been consciously dealing with these feelings for 8 years now. I know how to control them and when I lose control of them I know how to reign them in. I don't want her doing anything or calling anyone that could fuck up my spring term. I want to graduate more than I want...well just about anything else. And the only reason I haven't gone to see a counseler yet is because seeing one could endanger the liklihood of me succeeding at that goal. As soon as I find out that I have insurance again I'm gonna haul my ass over to Prompt Care and get some more Paxil. I've been off it for probably a month now so that is probably contribuating heavily to the amount of gook in my brain.
On a happy note, I think I have decided what I'm gonna write my philosophy paper about. I'm gonna write it about the relationship between love and revolution. bell hooks says social revolution must be based on love. I'm going to examine why she thinks this and what its implications towards means and ends are. By that I mean how a strong base in love must inspire us to act in implimenting social change. In this I'm gonna draw on the earlier, more militant works of Malcolm X and some of Matin Luther King Jrs stuff. Is reactionist violence a viable path towards change when operating from a place of love? Arguing this point is going to be tough for me because I believe violence is a valid way to achieve social change. However I definitely don't think it is loving. This should be interesting.
