My Neopet Philosophy

Hello,

Clock says it's about 6:30 AM. Still sick. Still on a completely screwed up sleeping schedule. Still hoping to Goddess that I'm feeling better by Monday so I can actually go to fiction class for the first time in two weeks. Though I did run into Robin in the Gizmo yesterday right after getting back from the doctor, and he was totally sympathetic to my plight. He told me I should get some rest and he'd see me when he sees me.

I'm also hoping I can muster up enough energy to get some homework done this weekend. I've been so exhausted recently that I can't stay up for more than 5 hours at a stretch before conking out. Not very conducive to getting work done. And I have a poem, an explication, journal entries, a philosophy paper, and at least 10 pages of fiction to write this weekend. Sucks to be me.

Anyway, what am I doing on the computer this late besides writing in my journal? Why playing with my neopets of course! This is getting insane, all I do is play with them all day and build them houses and feed them and everything. All of my pals are making fun of me because these are not real pets, and they think I am devoting way too much time to them. Eh, I prolly am, but I have a reason for it.

I was reading Moses's journal the other day and in one of his entries he wrote about why he likes role playing so much. Because it enables him to step out of his life, to become another person in another world. He doesn't have to be himself and he doesn't have to deal with his problems. I think that's why I like my neopets so much. Because that site is like a world unto itself and in that world I don't have to deal with any of my shit. Pets don't fall in love, they don't go to school, they don't even really interact with anyone. It's just this magical make believe place where I can be a unicorn or a bunny or an eyrie and I can play games and thats all I need to do. At neopets.com I'm not myself.

It's the same reason I get so excited about watching Homicide. Because for an hour that TV show can take me away from wherever I am. I can get caught up in Frank's life or Bayliss's life. I don't have to worry about being sick and getting better, or about what anyone thinks of Kevin, or why I almost made Gayley cry. I can just be in another place, a place out of time. A perfect imaginary land.

Now onto the completely unrelated protion of our entry...got an email from Mike today. Danielle has asked him to move out of the apartment. He said he would call me tomorrow (today?) and tell me more. I wonder if this mean they are breaking up. I don't say that sarcastically. It is possible that they just can't live togetehr but still want to see each other. That would be good because Danielle seems to make Michael happy and its been a real long time since hes had a serious girlfriend.

But if they are breaking up...that would just be weird. Here is the couple who when I called them crying my eyes out about Kevin not 22 days ago told me about how happy they were and how someday I would be that happy too. It's funny how quickly things can change.

I wonder how Mikey is feeling. I wonder what happened to them in 22 days. Can't say I'm all choked up about it though. I was terribly jealous when Mike and Danielle hooked up because I was losing my brother and movie outings parner. I was upset because he didn't pay as much attention to me anymore. And then he moved out of the house and that rocked my world.

Maybe now he won't move to Oregon. That would make me happy.

For Gayle

Okay, now that I have slept for almost 12 hours and am feeling nominally rested I am finally going to write that entry for Gayle I've been meaning to put down for like three days.

As soon as all my friends started keeping online journals I swore to myself I would not directly comment on their entries in mine. After all a diary is not a dialogue, its your own inner thoughts and I don't want to let other intrude upon the honest expression of mine.

But after reading Gayle's entry entitled "I should be sleeping," I think it would be best if I strayed from that rule once.

I did not mean to make Gayle cry or almost cry or whatever. She is one of my best friends. Like, if I got married tomorrow I would totally ask her to be a bridesmaid. I've thought she was awesome from that first day Moses introduced us in the Oak Room. And I am terribly thankful for the friendship that developed out of that day. She was one of my saving angels while I was at BMCC. She emailed me everyday and kept me updated with Knox news and always told me how happy she would be when I got back. The girl is a godsend.

Futhermore she is absoultely perfect. I shit you not. Both inside and out she is the ideal of feminine charm. She is physically beautiful, smart without trying to be, humble, funny, the kind of person who just lights up a room. I wrote a poem about her once saying that Gayle makes things pretty. I can think of no better way to describe her, she just makes everything glow.

In short, she is all the things I am not. I have been a loser all my life. I've never been pretty, smart or lovable. I'm the girl who always loses and I've learned to accept that. So I guess my competitve streak when it comes to her is born out of my own insecurity. I expect Gayle to get whatever she wants, mainly because she hates losing. And so when she really wants something she just throws herself completely into getting it and then she does. Whether its winning a boy's heart or writing at 30 page paper in 12 hours. I have never had that kind of determination or concentration.

So on the rare occasions when I have found myself in possession of something she would consider valuable (Clarks friednship, a kiss from Wes) I don't know....I feel like I have won something. She is the kind of girl who always gets what she wants, so me being a girl who rarely gets what she wants feels a certain amount of sadistic pleasure when I can get something she can't. It's not that I hate Gayle or think there is anything wrong with her or am trying to hurt her or anything. It's just so bizarre that dopey dorky little old me would have something tall gorgeous wonderful Gayle would want that when it happens I feel a kind of weird victory. Like, YES DORKS CAN TRIUMPH OVER THE POPULAR KIDS!

I know this all sounds really weird and mixed up. Gayle has never competed with me. Even when we both liked Clark back freshman year I never got the sense that we were fighting each other although I did feel jealous when she usurped me as his best friend. I don't know, just recently I have been feeling really insecure and protective of my fragile little ego. When she expresses desire to have something I possess I get defensive because I know she could have it if she worked for it. Like she could have a friendship with Clark, she could have a liason with Wes. She could do all of it without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. That's what makes me feel competitive, knowing she could take away all this security I feel I have by possessing these things.

Does that make any sense?