Blood Roses

They are going to kill me. They are all going to fucking kill me. I feel like I am going to be punished for wanting all the things that I want. Like Kevin - I feel as though all of my friends will think me a horrible judge of character for wanting him back. And I mean, traditionally I am a horrible judge of character, but it's never stopped me. And there is just this thing, I can't explain it, this draw to Kevin as if, and this is gonna sound REALLY scary, we are supposed to be together. God I hope he doesn't read this entry because if I haven't scared him enough already, reading that will definitely send him running for the hills.

I know he has been a prick in the past. I know his beliefs are in stark contrast with mine and those of my friends. I know most of my friends took offense to the things that were said during the whole race arguement, hell I take offense to them, and there is no excuse for what was done. But the thing is, I think he knows that. And I truly believe that he didn't mean it. Someone just needs to teach him that shit like that isn't funny.

I dont want my friends to hate me for liking him.

Furthermore, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, I am very tempted to turn to Moses. He has offered his services and I want to take him up on it. Not just because I want to get laid, but because it would be like coming full circle. Sleeping with him again, in my bitter mind would be like rubbing my wounds in his face. Like saying "hey look, I knew you two wouldn't last." And to say to insecure Allison, "look he came back to me." I'm right back where I started four years ago. It would be like I won. Just like being friends with Clark is kind of like winning over Gayle. By me being his friend and her not being his friend its like I am being competitive with a girl I've never been able to compete with in any arena.

But back to Moses-I know all of my friends would kill me if I ever slept with him again. It's true I have a reputation to uphold now. I've just begun to slip out of that reputation I had freshman year of being a total slut. Now I'm the girl who won't even let a boy sit on her bed. I'm careful now. I don't want to lose that. How will they view me as a person if they see me doing something they highly disapprove of? Hell, Lindsey and Dave are already confounded by the fact that I even TALK to Moses.

I just feel like I have all these desires that will reap consequences I don't want to deal with should I act on them. But I can't just squash them. My desires are there. What do I do with them?

And on a completely unrelated note, Clark just suggested a rebound boy for me. That friend of his Petey that we had breakfast with the other day. He noticed that the two of us hit it off and thinks he might be a nice match for me. It's nice to know that my friends are on the lookout :)

If I Built This Fortress

I feel like Ass. I think I'm catching whatever it is that Tina has. My head is totally spinning right now, and I keep having these hot and cold flashes. One minute I'll just be burning up and the next my teeth will be chattering. Doesn't help that the weather cant seem to remember what season its in. Yesterday it really thought it was May. Today it has remembered that its Februrary. This is one of numerous reasons why I can never live in the midwest. The weather is stupid.

Anyway, I prolly shouldn't even be writing when I feel so very shitty but I've got all this stuff in my head that I need to get out before I can sit down and concentrate on doing homework. The most prominent issue is, of course, Kevin.

He called today and we had a big long talk about missing each other. It looks like we will be giving it another go as soon as I get back to the city. Right now that makes me happy. But for some reason as soon as we got off the phone this afternoon I began to feel wrong about it. Like it really wasn't right. And all the stuff that my friends have said about him came to mind. And I started to think about how happy I am when I'm alone. And just all this stuff. And how within the last week I've had like 4 romantic offers just spring out of the blue. I must be giving off some kind of weird pheremone this week.

Anyway it could just be my own self doubt. I dont think I really know what I want. I keep getting seduced by the idea of people wanting me. I like the idea that Will, Kev, Pete, and Moses might all want me. And I want to give all of them a chance. I guess i'ts cause I have such low self esteem I feel grateful whenever anyone likes me regardless of rather I genuinely like them in return. Cause truth be told, I'm not the least bit attracted to Pete, Will or Moses, not really. Not the way I like Kev. Yet I'm drawn to the idea that they like me. Maybe if I had a better self image I wouldn't be so easily duped. But the only way I've ever been able to improve my self image has been to disengage from men entirely, which is something I don't want to do now that I'm finally beginning to trust them again. Yet with that trust comes a want on my part to let every guy who expresses his desire have his way with me. Maybe I am just a ho.

I don't know what I want or what the best thing for me would be right now. Truthfully, I could get along without Kevin. I would feel bad about myself for a few weeks but ultimately it would be no big loss. I'm not that attached to him yet. I just keep thinking I need something more. Something I'm not gonna find here. Something that maybe doesn't even exist. But if it doesnt, should I settle for what I can get?

Maybe this is just all the self doubt talking. I don't know. And I don't want to mention any of this to Kevin because he was telling me on the phone how afraid he is that I'll reject him. Maybe I just need to be free for the moment. Then again maybe it's better if I'm not. Having a significant other will keep me out of trouble. And I don't need any more trouble. Moses is trouble. Clark is trouble.

Any way...on another note I told the crew about all of this at dinner tonight. And we all started joking around about what kevin could do to make me fully forgive him. I said I wanted expensive jewelry, which led us to the quote of the day....

"You fucked up so I need a diamond!"

However I'll also accept pretty lingerie, tee hee.

I need to write about Gayle but my head is all over the place so we can save that entry for later.

Yuck :-p

I'm sick
I am sleep deprived
I have zero appetite and even less motivation to do work.
My bed sheets feel diseased
I want milk and Tropicana orange juice
I want to rest
This is all Tina's fault
I don't want to go to class tomorrow but I've already missed the maximum so I have no choice.
I want to sweat it out, as Michael says
I want my Roger Rabbit sleeping bag
I want to sleep
I want to clean my room
I want to open all my windows
I want it to stop being hot
I want it to stop being cold
I want some Sudafed or some NyQuil
I want a doctor
I want my headache to go away
I want my hotflashes to stop
I want my fairy Godmother to wave her magic wand and make me better bibitty bobitty boo!
I don't want to be working right now
I have no head
I want clean socks and fleece PJ bottoms
I want Sandalwood incense cleansing the air
I want my Mommy
I want chicken noodle soup, maybe I can go to Landmark tomorrow and get some.