morrigirl | If I Built This Fortress (Reply)

I feel like Ass. I think I'm catching whatever it is that Tina has. My head is totally spinning right now, and I keep having these hot and cold flashes. One minute I'll just be burning up and the next my teeth will be chattering. Doesn't help that the weather cant seem to remember what season its in. Yesterday it really thought it was May. Today it has remembered that its Februrary. This is one of numerous reasons why I can never live in the midwest. The weather is stupid.

Anyway, I prolly shouldn't even be writing when I feel so very shitty but I've got all this stuff in my head that I need to get out before I can sit down and concentrate on doing homework. The most prominent issue is, of course, Kevin.

He called today and we had a big long talk about missing each other. It looks like we will be giving it another go as soon as I get back to the city. Right now that makes me happy. But for some reason as soon as we got off the phone this afternoon I began to feel wrong about it. Like it really wasn't right. And all the stuff that my friends have said about him came to mind. And I started to think about how happy I am when I'm alone. And just all this stuff. And how within the last week I've had like 4 romantic offers just spring out of the blue. I must be giving off some kind of weird pheremone this week.

Anyway it could just be my own self doubt. I dont think I really know what I want. I keep getting seduced by the idea of people wanting me. I like the idea that Will, Kev, Pete, and Moses might all want me. And I want to give all of them a chance. I guess i'ts cause I have such low self esteem I feel grateful whenever anyone likes me regardless of rather I genuinely like them in return. Cause truth be told, I'm not the least bit attracted to Pete, Will or Moses, not really. Not the way I like Kev. Yet I'm drawn to the idea that they like me. Maybe if I had a better self image I wouldn't be so easily duped. But the only way I've ever been able to improve my self image has been to disengage from men entirely, which is something I don't want to do now that I'm finally beginning to trust them again. Yet with that trust comes a want on my part to let every guy who expresses his desire have his way with me. Maybe I am just a ho.

I don't know what I want or what the best thing for me would be right now. Truthfully, I could get along without Kevin. I would feel bad about myself for a few weeks but ultimately it would be no big loss. I'm not that attached to him yet. I just keep thinking I need something more. Something I'm not gonna find here. Something that maybe doesn't even exist. But if it doesnt, should I settle for what I can get?

Maybe this is just all the self doubt talking. I don't know. And I don't want to mention any of this to Kevin because he was telling me on the phone how afraid he is that I'll reject him. Maybe I just need to be free for the moment. Then again maybe it's better if I'm not. Having a significant other will keep me out of trouble. And I don't need any more trouble. Moses is trouble. Clark is trouble.

Any way...on another note I told the crew about all of this at dinner tonight. And we all started joking around about what kevin could do to make me fully forgive him. I said I wanted expensive jewelry, which led us to the quote of the day....

"You fucked up so I need a diamond!"

However I'll also accept pretty lingerie, tee hee.

I need to write about Gayle but my head is all over the place so we can save that entry for later.