My Heart

[morrigirl]

Tina Marie Browder is my heart.

I miss that girl so much. There's a great big hole in my heart when she's not around. She makes me happy, and we all know I don't say that about just anyone. We had the best conversation just now. We hadn't spoken on the phone for at least 8 months. She's about to go off to Chautauqua for the summer and I wanted to touch base with her before she left.

She is so amazing. She's got so much going for her right now even if she doesn't realize it. Sometimes I get jealous of friends who have more going for them than I do, but I could never be jealous of Tina because I just love her SO MUCH and I know how much she truly deserves all the good stuff that comes to her. I know how hard she works and how much effort she puts into her art, and I'm thrilled when I see all her work pay off.

I love her, and I miss her terribly.

Good Stuff I Did Today:

1) Wrote zombie_dog's parents a thank you note.

2) Emailed Anne Giffey.

3) Got kdc4evr to proofread my lit mag cover letter, thus enabling myself to send out my first complete pack of poetry submissions tomorrow afternoon.

4) Called Dr. Hamer

5) Before I go to bed I plan on emailing my resume to an educational publishing company located in my neighbourhood that's looking for a full-time Editorial Assistant. I have all the experience, and all the background required for the position.

Things That Went Bad Today:

1) Got a return phone call from Dr. Hamer informing me that he has no opennings until after July 4th. That is unacceptable. Need. Meds. Now. Still that's not a horribly long time to wait considering how quickly the schedules of most shrinks fill up. So tomorrow I'm gonna call back, make an appointment with him for July, and then call a few other doctors to see if any of them can fit me in sooner. If they can, I'll cancel the appointment with Dr. Hamer. If they don't I'll only have to hold out for another month. Even then I can probably pay a visit to my GP and get her to give me a temporary supply. Didn't want to have to do that but the situation is growing desperate.

2) Spent a few hours this evening trying to convince myself that I am more than just a fuck. I've yet to succeed.

3) Realized that I'm annoyingly clingy. Only good thing about this was that in the process I also figured out when, why, and how I became that way.

I wasn't clingy back in the day. I was so laid back my SO's complained I was too distant. I was pretty hands off, doing my own thing with most of my Knox flings. The clingy didn't kick in until Kevin, and it wasn't Kevin in particular that encouraged such neediness. He just happened to be the boy I hooked up with after the event that spawned the clingy.

I can date it to the first week of senior year, the week that began the depressive episode I am still currently in. A month earlier I had fallen out with one of my best friends. During the first five days of that term I became overwhelmed with my course load and had to drop a class, but not before Xavier tied me up in knots by mistakenly telling me I couldn't drop and I might just have do deal with the prospect of failing the entire term, from out of the blue my then boyfriend broke up with me, and then 9/11 hit.

All at once a shit load of things I considered stable and permanent fell apart, the last of which was the good mood I'd been able to sustain for the previous 7 years without any medication, the one that was so consistent I was almost convinced I would never have another major depressive episode again.

After that I was afraid I might lose everything in my life, so I started holding on to it tighter, and that of course drove it all away. A year later the fear fully blossomed with Kirk's death. Now I hang on to everything and everyone for dear life. It's hard to relax because I'm afraid if I let my guard down whatever I cherish will disappear.

That concludes tonight's dose of psychobabble.

Comments

[altrocks.livejournal.com]

I just want to ask 2 questions that I found to be important at times like this:

1: Does knowing how and why you became this way change anything for you or help you now ?

2: What can you do or change that will help you stop being overly clingy (the percieved negative behavior) ?

I just found, for myself, that answering those questions can be a great help in moving on. Like... it helped get my mind out of the past and the questioning of "Why is this happening ?" and "If I could only change the past..." kind of thing. And then also helped get me to focus more on the things that I could change.

If it's no help, then sorry. But give it a little thought. Just something that's worked for me and others.

Good luck with the doctor appointment.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

1) Honestly, no it never does. I like to know why I do the things I do and why I am the way I am just for the hell of it. It helps me understand myself better even if it doesn't show me how to alter my coping mechanisms. Personally I think there's a lot to be said for simply knowing thyself. I can't stand people who aren't in touch with their emotions or their motivations so I try not to be one of them.

2) Is a topic best dealt with in therapy rather than an LJ comment. I don't know how to change my behavior that's why I need help.