Simmer Down Now
May. 22nd, 2004 01:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI'm having a moment of inexplicable panic. All of a sudden I feel like I'm about to be rejected, which is weird since there is no one left on the planet to reject me. And I'm not even sure what type of rejection I'm expecting. I just feel like I'm about to be abandoned. Make any sense? Of course not! Especially since I've actually been feeling a tad better over the last week.
Oh sure, I've still had moments of extreme aggitation but, they've become fewer, shorter, and easier to manage. Ever since I started going out again, submerging myself in self-help material, and have stopped relying on a single person to help me through my rough patches, it's been easier to keep my emotions level, so I don't know where this panic is coming from.
Maybe it's the result of harboring hope. I've started feeling hopeful again, hopeful that I'll be able to make new friends, get a new and better paying job, locate someone on this earth who could actually fall in love with me, get out of my mother's house, save up enough money to move to another city. All of the above is a result of the minor changes I've been undertaking, the ones laid out in the previous paragraph.
We all know how I feel about hope. There's nothing in the world more dangerous. When you hope for something you run the risk of being disappointed, and disappointment hurts like a motherfucker. I hate being hopeful, truly hate it, because it makes me vulnerable, and the only thing worse than being hopeful is being vulnerable. Well...no that's not exactly true. Being vulnerable in a safe environment surrounded by caring and supportive individuals is okay. Being vulnerable in a harsh environemnt with no protection is bad. That's where I am, or at least where I feel I am. I'm my only protection.
I have all this kinda good stuff going on in my head for once and....maybe I'm afraid dwelling on the good will only lead to disappointment. I'm afraid my hope will abandon me, and I'll be left all wretched and miserable. That is after all what usually happens.
I hate hope. It's dangerous. I wish I didn't have to do it.
Oh sure, I've still had moments of extreme aggitation but, they've become fewer, shorter, and easier to manage. Ever since I started going out again, submerging myself in self-help material, and have stopped relying on a single person to help me through my rough patches, it's been easier to keep my emotions level, so I don't know where this panic is coming from.
Maybe it's the result of harboring hope. I've started feeling hopeful again, hopeful that I'll be able to make new friends, get a new and better paying job, locate someone on this earth who could actually fall in love with me, get out of my mother's house, save up enough money to move to another city. All of the above is a result of the minor changes I've been undertaking, the ones laid out in the previous paragraph.
We all know how I feel about hope. There's nothing in the world more dangerous. When you hope for something you run the risk of being disappointed, and disappointment hurts like a motherfucker. I hate being hopeful, truly hate it, because it makes me vulnerable, and the only thing worse than being hopeful is being vulnerable. Well...no that's not exactly true. Being vulnerable in a safe environment surrounded by caring and supportive individuals is okay. Being vulnerable in a harsh environemnt with no protection is bad. That's where I am, or at least where I feel I am. I'm my only protection.
I have all this kinda good stuff going on in my head for once and....maybe I'm afraid dwelling on the good will only lead to disappointment. I'm afraid my hope will abandon me, and I'll be left all wretched and miserable. That is after all what usually happens.
I hate hope. It's dangerous. I wish I didn't have to do it.
