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morrigirlI'm working towards getting up and doing something. I'm taking baby steps. For insatnce, I need to do laundry. A few minutes ago I got dressed and got the load together. Now I'm taking a break on the computer. That's what I do, I push myself to do something but can't carry it all out at once, It feel slike to much if I try. I need an hour of mindless sedation in between each task.
Everything feel monumental. Eating breakfast, watching TV, getting dressed. It feels monumental because I'm afraid I'll fail at it. I know that sounds strange, after all how can one fail at getting dressed? But that is how I feel, like I run the risk of doing something horribly wrong each time I lift a finger. So rather than risk failure I just do nothing. I'm even afraid to do pleasurable things like watch the movie Sebastien lent me. It's a love story so I'm afraid it will make me sad. I'm afraid to read the book he lent me because I'm afraid I won't like it and it will bore me. I'm afraid to watch the last episode of Angel my Mother taped for me because I'm afraid it will be a waste of time. I'm afraid of exerting too much energy, afraid there is something better I should be conserving it for. I don't know. I've even been afraid to journal because I haven't known what to write and I don't want anyone to hate me for writing soemthing stupid.
Everything feel monumental. Eating breakfast, watching TV, getting dressed. It feels monumental because I'm afraid I'll fail at it. I know that sounds strange, after all how can one fail at getting dressed? But that is how I feel, like I run the risk of doing something horribly wrong each time I lift a finger. So rather than risk failure I just do nothing. I'm even afraid to do pleasurable things like watch the movie Sebastien lent me. It's a love story so I'm afraid it will make me sad. I'm afraid to read the book he lent me because I'm afraid I won't like it and it will bore me. I'm afraid to watch the last episode of Angel my Mother taped for me because I'm afraid it will be a waste of time. I'm afraid of exerting too much energy, afraid there is something better I should be conserving it for. I don't know. I've even been afraid to journal because I haven't known what to write and I don't want anyone to hate me for writing soemthing stupid.
