I Suck A Lot
Nov. 16th, 2003 11:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI was feeling a little gothy today so I hauled out the eyeliner and black lipstick. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
greenblackevil once told that, given my dark coloring, I was a natural goth. I've always liked that. I was so enamoured of myself this afternoon, I took pictures. Here's me trying to look gothy.
In other news, I got a 4 hour dose of Homicide: Life on the Streets today when Tom Fontana, one of the show's producers, aired five of his favorite episodes on Court TV. They showed "Gone for Good," "Three Men and Adena," "A Doll's Eyes," "Hate Crimes," and "The Subway." Afterwards I got a double dose of Law and Order: Criminal Intent on NBC, so I am a very happy, not to mention relaxed Carla tonight.
Friday night Michael came over and figured out how to work my CD burner. Needless to say he went on a burning spree. I've never seen him so happy in my life! He was reduced to a twelve year old. He came over here with a ten pack of blamk CD's and went home with seven albums! He made a mix, and he copied Rumors by Fleetwood Mac, Blue by Joni Mitchell, Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos, The Smiths Singles, and the Beastie Boys Anthology. Since then I've borrowed and burned his copy of Bruce Sprinfsteen's The Rising. On top of THAT he has taken to emailing me long lists of the CD's he owns. My job is to decide what I want to burn so he can give them to me. In the three mintes it took for that first CD to burn, we've become addicts.
And last night I went out to dinner with Elisabeth. Finally got to see her apartment. It's H U G E!!!! It's a one bedroom apartment, and everything about it is gigantic; the bedroom, the bathroom, all of it. And it's government subsidized so she's only paying like 100 bucks a month for it. While I was there one of Liz's school frineds came over and...I started feeling a little jealous. Not because she has friends other than me, but because she has a life! I mean, here she is with this lovely, cheap apartment and it allows her this level of freedom I don't have. She can have people over whenever she wants, she doesn't have to ask permission. She can decorate it however she likes. She has this space that is all hers, and she has a life that is all hers. I don't. I have no room, no space, no life, no friends of activites that don't involve my family to some degree. It made me sad.
My Mom is aggravating me again. All the typical shit: she hates that I leave shit in the living room, so I move it into the dining room (where I sleep), then she gets mad I have stuff in THERE and tells me to move it. When I ask her where I should put my shit she simply says "I don't know think of something!!!" To which I usuaully reply "If I knew of any place I would have put my stuff there already in order to keep you from yelling at me." Bottom line: she doesn't like the fact that I take up space: closet, drawer, bookshelf etc. So she tries to keep me from doing so. Unfortunately she has yet to figure out how to keep me from taking up space. I am after all human, I own stuff like, ya know, CLOTHES! I think if she had her way I would't own any clothing, eat any food, read any books, wash my hair, brush my teeth, or require any sleep.
I need to move out but I don't know how i'm ever gonna be able to afford to. After taxes I'm taking home 17,500 a year which is next to nothing. Even your basic shit house studio apartment in the ghetto runs 800 a month. If I were shelling out that much a month along with electric, phone, and student loan repayments, I'd barely be able to eat. I would have NOTHING left over to save. I'd never be able to buy furniture, appliances, christmas gifts, work clothes, you get the idea. The only way I could ever afford anything woudl be if I had a roomate, and since my ONE city friend already has an apartment, well...there goes that idea.
*sigh* I probably should have called Carlos this weekend. I think he wanted me to. But I was busy with Mike on Friday, and busy with Liz yesterday, and today, I was busy chilling out. I'll see him tomorrow, he'll ask why I didn't call, I'll tell him and he'll accept it. The more and more I think about it the more I realize my heart really isn't in this. There's a reason I've never noticed him before: because I'm not attracted to him. I mean he's cute, but cute doesn't usually tickle my fancy. I realize I said I'd go out with him cause...I didn't know what else to say. Because I didn't have the guts to say no. That's how I've ended up with most of my idiot boyfriends, by not having the balls to tell them, "no, sorry, I'm not into you."
*sigh* I don't have the balls to say no or the self-esteem to end things once they've begun. It's probably a good thing I never get asked out. I make romance more complicated than it needs to be.
I feel like disappearing.
greenblackevil once told that, given my dark coloring, I was a natural goth. I've always liked that. I was so enamoured of myself this afternoon, I took pictures. Here's me trying to look gothy. In other news, I got a 4 hour dose of Homicide: Life on the Streets today when Tom Fontana, one of the show's producers, aired five of his favorite episodes on Court TV. They showed "Gone for Good," "Three Men and Adena," "A Doll's Eyes," "Hate Crimes," and "The Subway." Afterwards I got a double dose of Law and Order: Criminal Intent on NBC, so I am a very happy, not to mention relaxed Carla tonight.
Friday night Michael came over and figured out how to work my CD burner. Needless to say he went on a burning spree. I've never seen him so happy in my life! He was reduced to a twelve year old. He came over here with a ten pack of blamk CD's and went home with seven albums! He made a mix, and he copied Rumors by Fleetwood Mac, Blue by Joni Mitchell, Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos, The Smiths Singles, and the Beastie Boys Anthology. Since then I've borrowed and burned his copy of Bruce Sprinfsteen's The Rising. On top of THAT he has taken to emailing me long lists of the CD's he owns. My job is to decide what I want to burn so he can give them to me. In the three mintes it took for that first CD to burn, we've become addicts.
And last night I went out to dinner with Elisabeth. Finally got to see her apartment. It's H U G E!!!! It's a one bedroom apartment, and everything about it is gigantic; the bedroom, the bathroom, all of it. And it's government subsidized so she's only paying like 100 bucks a month for it. While I was there one of Liz's school frineds came over and...I started feeling a little jealous. Not because she has friends other than me, but because she has a life! I mean, here she is with this lovely, cheap apartment and it allows her this level of freedom I don't have. She can have people over whenever she wants, she doesn't have to ask permission. She can decorate it however she likes. She has this space that is all hers, and she has a life that is all hers. I don't. I have no room, no space, no life, no friends of activites that don't involve my family to some degree. It made me sad.
My Mom is aggravating me again. All the typical shit: she hates that I leave shit in the living room, so I move it into the dining room (where I sleep), then she gets mad I have stuff in THERE and tells me to move it. When I ask her where I should put my shit she simply says "I don't know think of something!!!" To which I usuaully reply "If I knew of any place I would have put my stuff there already in order to keep you from yelling at me." Bottom line: she doesn't like the fact that I take up space: closet, drawer, bookshelf etc. So she tries to keep me from doing so. Unfortunately she has yet to figure out how to keep me from taking up space. I am after all human, I own stuff like, ya know, CLOTHES! I think if she had her way I would't own any clothing, eat any food, read any books, wash my hair, brush my teeth, or require any sleep.
I need to move out but I don't know how i'm ever gonna be able to afford to. After taxes I'm taking home 17,500 a year which is next to nothing. Even your basic shit house studio apartment in the ghetto runs 800 a month. If I were shelling out that much a month along with electric, phone, and student loan repayments, I'd barely be able to eat. I would have NOTHING left over to save. I'd never be able to buy furniture, appliances, christmas gifts, work clothes, you get the idea. The only way I could ever afford anything woudl be if I had a roomate, and since my ONE city friend already has an apartment, well...there goes that idea.
*sigh* I probably should have called Carlos this weekend. I think he wanted me to. But I was busy with Mike on Friday, and busy with Liz yesterday, and today, I was busy chilling out. I'll see him tomorrow, he'll ask why I didn't call, I'll tell him and he'll accept it. The more and more I think about it the more I realize my heart really isn't in this. There's a reason I've never noticed him before: because I'm not attracted to him. I mean he's cute, but cute doesn't usually tickle my fancy. I realize I said I'd go out with him cause...I didn't know what else to say. Because I didn't have the guts to say no. That's how I've ended up with most of my idiot boyfriends, by not having the balls to tell them, "no, sorry, I'm not into you."
*sigh* I don't have the balls to say no or the self-esteem to end things once they've begun. It's probably a good thing I never get asked out. I make romance more complicated than it needs to be.
I feel like disappearing.
