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morrigirlI have the distinct feeling that someone who shouldn't be doing so is reading this journal. Mind you I have absolutely no evidence to back the theory up, just this intuitive knowledge that someone in my real life is reading this without my consent. Don't know where this feeling came from, but I've had it for two days now and it's just getting stronger. My intuition is pretty well honed when it comes to shit like this so I'm inclined to believe what its telling me.
*points a finger at the reader* I know you're out there. Don't think you're fooling anyone. If you give even one shit about me, and you must if you're bothering to read this, than be a honey and simply give me the peace of mind of knowing who you are. There's a reply button at the bottom of this entry, I advise you to use it.
Or I could be imagining it.
*shrugs*
Eh, wouldn't be the first time.
Over the last couple days I've been realizing how paranoid I can get, and it's really insignificant things that are bringing it to the forefront. Losing my writing notebook for example. I have this old spiral notebook I take with me to work everyday that I jot poems and story ideas down in. It used to be my old Book of Shadows so there are a couple pages of spells and rituals in the front, but I haven't used it in that cpacity since leaving Wicca.
Anyway, I misplaced it a few days ago. Searched all over my house and couldn't find it. Checked to see if I accidentally left it at work, which I actually do quite often. It was no where to be found. And I got really scared. I mean REALLY scared. The thought of some random stranger, or worse yet one of my CO-WORKERS coming across that notebook and reading all my crappy ass poetry made me so fucking jittery. And when I remembered the ten or so pages of pagan ritual in the forst I just thought "Oh, shit, I can't imagine what anyone would think if they read this!" Eventually I found it sitting safely at home next to my computer, but damn, that day or two it was missing, I was freaking nutzo with worry. Even though I knew there was nothing terribly incriminating in it I just...couldn't stand the thought of someone leafing through it without my say so, without my hand to guide them through any weird shit they might come across.
A similar thing occurred today. I came in, normal time, and hung my coat on the coat rack. Nothing spectacular about that. But when I went to get some money out of it at lunch time, I found that Sebatien's jacket was sitting on the hook I'd originally put mine on, and mine had been replaced on a hanger a couple hooks down. It's nothing incredible, yet I flipped when I saw that someone had moved my jacket. I was like, "What the fuck?!" I just got all these ABSURD visions of someone rifling through my jacket. And even though I don't keep JACK in my coat pockets, the thought of someone touching it or moving it or doing...anything to it just...makes me all nervous!!!
I don't know...I've got this strange fear of exposure only I have no idea what I'm afraid of having exposed! It's not like I have any deep dark secrets hiding in my bookbag, ya know? But I always have this fear that I have done or am doing something wrong that will come back to bite me in the ass. It's based on the belief that nothing I ever do is right. Therefore there is bound to be some wrong with everything I do, own, and am, and because of that i don't want anyone to have any sort of interaction with the stuff I do, own, or am. Which would logically lead to the conclusion that I simply don't want anyone interacting with me at all. But we all know that's not true.
I just don't want to be.........*let's the silence take over.*
*points a finger at the reader* I know you're out there. Don't think you're fooling anyone. If you give even one shit about me, and you must if you're bothering to read this, than be a honey and simply give me the peace of mind of knowing who you are. There's a reply button at the bottom of this entry, I advise you to use it.
Or I could be imagining it.
*shrugs*
Eh, wouldn't be the first time.
Over the last couple days I've been realizing how paranoid I can get, and it's really insignificant things that are bringing it to the forefront. Losing my writing notebook for example. I have this old spiral notebook I take with me to work everyday that I jot poems and story ideas down in. It used to be my old Book of Shadows so there are a couple pages of spells and rituals in the front, but I haven't used it in that cpacity since leaving Wicca.
Anyway, I misplaced it a few days ago. Searched all over my house and couldn't find it. Checked to see if I accidentally left it at work, which I actually do quite often. It was no where to be found. And I got really scared. I mean REALLY scared. The thought of some random stranger, or worse yet one of my CO-WORKERS coming across that notebook and reading all my crappy ass poetry made me so fucking jittery. And when I remembered the ten or so pages of pagan ritual in the forst I just thought "Oh, shit, I can't imagine what anyone would think if they read this!" Eventually I found it sitting safely at home next to my computer, but damn, that day or two it was missing, I was freaking nutzo with worry. Even though I knew there was nothing terribly incriminating in it I just...couldn't stand the thought of someone leafing through it without my say so, without my hand to guide them through any weird shit they might come across.
A similar thing occurred today. I came in, normal time, and hung my coat on the coat rack. Nothing spectacular about that. But when I went to get some money out of it at lunch time, I found that Sebatien's jacket was sitting on the hook I'd originally put mine on, and mine had been replaced on a hanger a couple hooks down. It's nothing incredible, yet I flipped when I saw that someone had moved my jacket. I was like, "What the fuck?!" I just got all these ABSURD visions of someone rifling through my jacket. And even though I don't keep JACK in my coat pockets, the thought of someone touching it or moving it or doing...anything to it just...makes me all nervous!!!
I don't know...I've got this strange fear of exposure only I have no idea what I'm afraid of having exposed! It's not like I have any deep dark secrets hiding in my bookbag, ya know? But I always have this fear that I have done or am doing something wrong that will come back to bite me in the ass. It's based on the belief that nothing I ever do is right. Therefore there is bound to be some wrong with everything I do, own, and am, and because of that i don't want anyone to have any sort of interaction with the stuff I do, own, or am. Which would logically lead to the conclusion that I simply don't want anyone interacting with me at all. But we all know that's not true.
I just don't want to be.........*let's the silence take over.*
