Not Dead Yet

[morrigirl]

At the beginning of June I issued myself a challenge: to see if I could go a month without making any publicly viewable LJ updates. The challenge grew out of a need to re-evaluate all of my relationships - friendly, familial, romantic, and professional. I've come to understand that I tend to become enmeshed in the lives of those I care most about, unconciously allowing myself to identify with them in ways that are not healthy for me. My boundaries are, in general, too fluid, and I needed time away from all my journaling and social networking sites in order to fish myself out of the unhealthy relationship dynamics I allowed to develop, and to think about how, or even if, I'd like to re-fashion those relationships.

I learned a lot about myself during the blackout. I learned that it's easier for me to deal with my problems when I don't feel like I have to share them with an audience. I remembered that it's okay to pick and choose who I share personal information with, that it is okay to be more candid with one friend than with another. I learned that I don't have to interact with people I don't want to. I remembered that I have a say in how, where, when, and through what means I interact and communicate with people. I learned that I am not responsible for my friends physical, emotional or mental well beings. I'm only responsible for my own. I learned that I really don't need as much feedback as I thought I did on my decisions, my writing, my health problems, and my personal issues. I'm quite capable of devising solutions on my own.

I feel more centered now that I'm not constantly looking to others to affirm my choices, or offer sympathy or advice. I am more confident and self-assured in my decisions. I have a better understanding of what I want now that I'm not asking others to fill in that blank. I've filled in the blank by myself, and I'm going to keep on doing that.

So, while I have no intention of abandoning my LJ, I'm not going to update as often as I used to. I'm going to keep more of my posts to myself. I like it that way. If you'd like to get in touch with me I'm always open to receiving email. In fact, I'm finding I prefer it to phone calls or AIM. My Hotmail address is on my profile. Use it for good, not evil.

I just got back from a week long trip to Chicago, and though I do intend to write about it, I'd rather just go veg out in front of the television right now.

Comments

[claireleo.livejournal.com]

I do hope that you continue to update here, sporadic though it may be. I had just started getting to know you! :-)

(and am always interested in your thoughts on writing/novels/television/movies/pop culture/etc.)

[greenblackevil.livejournal.com]

I concur, I attentively read your freaking Romance Novel Review, so keep writing stuff!

My point being is that I could never bring myself to actually read one of those things, but I richly enjoy *your* *writing* so much that, to me, you make even romance novels worthwhile subjects. So write on!

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Though I do enjoy writing my snarky romance novel send-ups, the truth of the matter is they are little more than vain attempts to prove how sharp and witty I am. They are just one way in which I rely on others to affirm my self-worth, a habit I desperately need to kick.

I'm not saying I'm gonna quit writing them all together, but I do need to cut back until I'm sure I can write something like that without expecting a particular kind of reaction, you know what I'm saying?