![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI don't know what to do. My eyes hurt from staring at the computer screen for too long. All the light in here is giving me a headache but I can't sleep. When I turn out the lights I'm wide awake, and lonely, and all I can think about is what a horrible ugly terrible person I am.
I think of how I'm evil. How people don't like me but they can't tell me why. I just have this intangible something about me. I call it evil. I think on some core level there's nothing but ugly evilness in me, and people feel it.
I'm very lonely tonight. I have visions of my future and it's not looking all that great. I see myself in an apartment, alone, with no friends, and no lovers. Just alone. Forever. It seems pretty realistic if you ask me. I mean, as I've said before I don't know how I'm supposed to meet new people now that I'm out of school, work has been a bust so far on that front. I haven't been all that good about keeping in touch with people because it seems that the lonlier I get, the less and less I want to talk to other people. Talking to other people who actually have friends and lives, and redeeming qualities just makes me feel worse.
I've been crying all weekend long. I'm crying right now. I feel cold and unloved right now. It's too bright in here, I wish things were softer. I could use some soft warmness in my life. I can't remember the last time I was hugged by anyone who wasn't related to me. I wish I could be unconscious right now.
I was thinking tonight of how much happier Kirk must be now. He was hopeless, and now he isn't. He's not anything. He's not happy or sad, or warm or cold. I think maybe he did the right thing by killing himself. He saw his future and he didn't like it. So he said "I refuse to endure this pain. I will not play this shitty hand when the cards are stacked against me anyway. Screw you guys, I'm going home."
My problem is I'm afraid I'll miss out on something. I'm afraid life will get better and I'll miss it. But...I have no evidence to support it at this point. My emotional stability has been spiralling downward for three years now. it just keeps getting worse, and I get more isolated and depressed and hopeless. How much further do I need to descend before my case becomes hopeless even from an objective stand point?
I'm grateful I have a job. Everyday I go to work and even when I'm feeling bored I think "Well at least now I'm paid for sitting around and being bored." I'm lucky, I have money to live. I can feed, clothe, and eventually house myself. But...that's all I really have for myself. Job, food, material things. What use is any of that if...there's nothing else? I mean, I have no one to share anything with. No one to talk to when i get home at night, no one to call when I'm lonely. I really need someone right now but no one is here.
I don't know what to do. What is there for me?
I think of how I'm evil. How people don't like me but they can't tell me why. I just have this intangible something about me. I call it evil. I think on some core level there's nothing but ugly evilness in me, and people feel it.
I'm very lonely tonight. I have visions of my future and it's not looking all that great. I see myself in an apartment, alone, with no friends, and no lovers. Just alone. Forever. It seems pretty realistic if you ask me. I mean, as I've said before I don't know how I'm supposed to meet new people now that I'm out of school, work has been a bust so far on that front. I haven't been all that good about keeping in touch with people because it seems that the lonlier I get, the less and less I want to talk to other people. Talking to other people who actually have friends and lives, and redeeming qualities just makes me feel worse.
I've been crying all weekend long. I'm crying right now. I feel cold and unloved right now. It's too bright in here, I wish things were softer. I could use some soft warmness in my life. I can't remember the last time I was hugged by anyone who wasn't related to me. I wish I could be unconscious right now.
I was thinking tonight of how much happier Kirk must be now. He was hopeless, and now he isn't. He's not anything. He's not happy or sad, or warm or cold. I think maybe he did the right thing by killing himself. He saw his future and he didn't like it. So he said "I refuse to endure this pain. I will not play this shitty hand when the cards are stacked against me anyway. Screw you guys, I'm going home."
My problem is I'm afraid I'll miss out on something. I'm afraid life will get better and I'll miss it. But...I have no evidence to support it at this point. My emotional stability has been spiralling downward for three years now. it just keeps getting worse, and I get more isolated and depressed and hopeless. How much further do I need to descend before my case becomes hopeless even from an objective stand point?
I'm grateful I have a job. Everyday I go to work and even when I'm feeling bored I think "Well at least now I'm paid for sitting around and being bored." I'm lucky, I have money to live. I can feed, clothe, and eventually house myself. But...that's all I really have for myself. Job, food, material things. What use is any of that if...there's nothing else? I mean, I have no one to share anything with. No one to talk to when i get home at night, no one to call when I'm lonely. I really need someone right now but no one is here.
I don't know what to do. What is there for me?
