Like a Stone
Oct. 19th, 2003 01:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time. How many times have I written that sentence? How has that become my fucking mantra? It was been a very B A D day. Let'a leave it at that. Don't want to relive the entire thing by going into details, but suffice to say I've been praying for unconsciousness for over 24 hours now.
I find myself hating details these days. It seems as though my life is nothing but details I have no interest in discussing. That's why I haven't really been writing anything of substance recently, I abhor the details. I'm sick of telling the story of days I don't want to remember. I'm sick or writing, of talking to people, of waking up in the morning. I want to sleep indefinitely. I did that tonight and it was good. Came home from work and crashed all night. Just woke up as a matter of fact.
I look at my life and I don't like what it's becoming. I can see my future. I will work, I will live alone eventually, and I will not make any new friends. See? I'm pathetic, this is why I don't like writing anymore. I'm tired of dwelling in my own self-loathing. I do it everyday regardless of whether I write an entry about it or not. Why immortalize it for all to see?
Most of the time I feel really fake. I feel fake at work all smiling and courteous, and quiet. Just having normal chit chat makes me feel like I'm lying. Because when I say "Oh yes I'm doing fine," it's a lie. I'm not fine. I'm not pleasant, I'm not happy, I'm not content in my solitude. I am evil, and mean, and dark, and fuct in the head. But I can't show anyone this because it isn't right to. It scares people. And even though I lack social outlets at the moment I think "how am I suppose to get close to anyone ever again if being myself makes them run away?" Is the only way for me to ever make friends or have a relationship to lie? To create some faux persona that isn't me for everyone else to love? It won't make me feel any better. I still won't be loved for who I am.
I'm a great big lie, and I hate it. I hate the fake me and I hate the real one. No wonder people kill themselves when they reach this point. It becomes impossible to live with yourself when the outside and the inside grow so far apart they can't be reintegrated. I'm gonna die alone and lonely and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
I find myself hating details these days. It seems as though my life is nothing but details I have no interest in discussing. That's why I haven't really been writing anything of substance recently, I abhor the details. I'm sick of telling the story of days I don't want to remember. I'm sick or writing, of talking to people, of waking up in the morning. I want to sleep indefinitely. I did that tonight and it was good. Came home from work and crashed all night. Just woke up as a matter of fact.
I look at my life and I don't like what it's becoming. I can see my future. I will work, I will live alone eventually, and I will not make any new friends. See? I'm pathetic, this is why I don't like writing anymore. I'm tired of dwelling in my own self-loathing. I do it everyday regardless of whether I write an entry about it or not. Why immortalize it for all to see?
Most of the time I feel really fake. I feel fake at work all smiling and courteous, and quiet. Just having normal chit chat makes me feel like I'm lying. Because when I say "Oh yes I'm doing fine," it's a lie. I'm not fine. I'm not pleasant, I'm not happy, I'm not content in my solitude. I am evil, and mean, and dark, and fuct in the head. But I can't show anyone this because it isn't right to. It scares people. And even though I lack social outlets at the moment I think "how am I suppose to get close to anyone ever again if being myself makes them run away?" Is the only way for me to ever make friends or have a relationship to lie? To create some faux persona that isn't me for everyone else to love? It won't make me feel any better. I still won't be loved for who I am.
I'm a great big lie, and I hate it. I hate the fake me and I hate the real one. No wonder people kill themselves when they reach this point. It becomes impossible to live with yourself when the outside and the inside grow so far apart they can't be reintegrated. I'm gonna die alone and lonely and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
