morrigirl | Reminiscence

Heather F. and I tried to have a telephone conversation last week, unfortunately her cellphone battery was low and cut out on us just about as soon as she gave me the warning. I was so geared up to talk to her, had so many things to tell, I sat down and wrote her a letter for the first time in three years. I spent a week writing it and sent it out this Monday. Heather emailed me yesterday to apologize for the cut out last week and to see if we could arrange a time to chat. I wrote back telling her to wait for my letter instead. She responded with a brief message about how excited she was to be getting a letter. She wrote "Remember when we used to write all the time? You know that term that you were gone, I would read your letters aloud to Gayle--that's how much we missed you." I never knew that. But I can imagine it. I can see them sitting on Heather's bed, or Gayle at her computer and Heather standing in the doorway of her room reading from the pages I sent her.

Got me thinking about that term I was at BMCC and how it was a time, much like this past summer when I was sick, when I felt completely loved and supported. I remember getting emails from Tina and Gayle almost every day, and messages from Heather, Jay, Libby, and Nick Grover with a fair amount of regularity. And then I would get random emails from people like Lindsey, Tessa, and Theo who all just missed me and got me email address from other people. All that love and encouragement really kept me going while I was working my way back into Knox. Every single day I looked forward to going over to the computer lab in Fiterman Hall after class to read and respond to all those emails.

After I got kicked out of Knox, I'd originally intended to just go ahead and transfer. It hadn't been a good year so I figured, why go back? But Jay wanted to go back, but he didn't want to return if I wasn't gonna be there. I love Jay, still do. And I loved the people I planned to leave behind. So we made a deal, "If you go back, I'll go back." The thought of going back and living with him again was the carrot I dangled before my eyes to keep myself going that term. But, even after I was re-admitted and found out Jay had decided not to go back, I felt okay because all those emails I'd exchanged through those months assured me I'd be returning to a community of friends just as dear.

When I got back to campus, some of the people I thought would welcome me with open arms did not. Nick, while being the completely charming and irreverent guy I had known first year in his emails, turned cold when I came back. He didn't give me any alone time or talk time like we used to have. He made excuses to run off whenever I tried to speak to him. It wasn't long afterward that he pretty much decided he hated all of his friends and began actively bad mouthing us behind our backs. Though, I think I hold the dubious distinction of being the first. What's funny is, even though Nick and I did not stay friends past my first year at Knox, I have nothing but positive memories of him. He said some pretty mean shit about me, but that's not what I remember the most. I remember him coming up to my room and playing with my wand, watching TV and shooting the shit with him in the Raub basement, and the two of us loaning each other CDs. It's because of him that I own a copy of Paul's Boutique. I had some of the best times with him.

And, that got me thinking about all the people from Knox who I left having negative feelings toward, and how even amid all that animosity I still have great memories of all of them. I remember the time Mary quelled my irritation at her messiness the first week we lived together by using humor to help me find a misplaced hairbrush. I remember working in Sellew sophomore year, how I would always finish early and go hang out in Lindsey's room for the rest of my shift. I remember all the great impromptu talks Clark and I would have in the strangest places at the strangest times. I remember Moses coming to check on me when I was sick. I remember marching across campus with Leigh, the two of us belting out the lyrics to the song "Agony" from Into the Woods. I remember being quizzed on 80's music trivia by Wes R. I remember Tristina defending my poetry in workshop whenever the Catch people started ripping it. I remember dancing with Bryce in my dorm room. I remember, I remember, I remember. Such good times.

I miss the people who did those things with me. And, I'm sure in one or two cases, those people miss the girl who did those things with them too. But, (and I'm gonna quote a couple lines of Heather F. spoken word poetry here) "Things change, we are not the same, things change." And as much as I long for a rewind button sometimes, I know I'm better off having those memories remain memories and having most of those people remain distant. Glad I remember them as they were though. Real glad.