A Solitary Beast
Jan. 11th, 2003 03:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlHi,
Just got back from watching the first Harry Potter movie over at T's place. It was really cute :) I enjoyed myself thoroughly. And now I can go see the second one.
Not only was it nice to finally see that movie, it was also nice to be with Tina since I'd been moving through the day all alone until we stumbled upon each other in the Gizmo at 10:30.
The day started out pretty normal, went to all my classes. Acting was fun because Liz gave me quite a compliment. In the scenes we performed today, she said she really loved my progession, how I raised the stakes and had a clear objective with each line. She used my performance as an example to some of the other actors. So that made me proud. And I needed a little pride since I found out we had rehearsal last night and I apparently didn't get that memo so to speak. Yeah, eek. So we gotta make sure that mistake doesn't happen twice.
Anyhoo, yeah, went to classes, dicked around in the computer lab for a little bit, Subbed for Shalini in CFA, and I didn't get home until...I dunno, 6 or 7ish. And then something very weird happened, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to watch TV, or play on the computer. Didn't want to listen to music. Didn't feel like calling Clark. Called Tina but she wasn't home. And for the first time all day I just sat, without distraction and felt my own aloneness.
I try to keep myself busy every minute of the day because my mind strays into some awfully dark places when unoccupied. Bored and alone, I layed down and began feeling sorry for myself. That's what happens when I think too much. I beat myself up for not having a significant other, for not being the kind of person people are attracted to, for being anti-social, undesirable, solitary. I beat myself up for beating myself up, and the more I thought the more I hated what I was thinking, the more I hated myself for thinking my thoughts.
I have these images of myself living at home for the rest of my life. Never taking any risks, never having a job, never having any money, never having another lover, always being ugly and sad. I put more stock into these thoughts then I do into my deam of being a writer. They just seem so much more likely, so much easier to achieve. And as we all know, I am very used to losing.
So I passed, oh...three or so hours dwelling on these thoughts until I felt the need for a caffeine fix, went to the Giz to fill it, and found T and went back to her place to watch Harry Potter.
But I've been feeling so alone lately, more so than usual, and I don't know why. I don't know why I don't have friends to hang with around here. I mean, it's not like I'm a hermit; I go to classes, I participate, I talk to people. I go to work, I converse with my fellow workers. I perform in plays. I do extracurriculars. I'm an active person. So there is no SOCIAL reason I shouldn't have friends. I'm putting myself out there.
More than likely it's that people on the outside don't like ME as a person. I don't know why, so I'll simply atribute it to that unnamable inherent wrongness in me. But I don't want to fight the wrongness. I want to integrate it into my psyche. And I want others to accept it.
Like every other human on this planet, I just want to be me.
Ick did I just write that? How very after school special of me! *yawn* Cue the swelling music guys, I'm going to bed.
Just got back from watching the first Harry Potter movie over at T's place. It was really cute :) I enjoyed myself thoroughly. And now I can go see the second one.
Not only was it nice to finally see that movie, it was also nice to be with Tina since I'd been moving through the day all alone until we stumbled upon each other in the Gizmo at 10:30.
The day started out pretty normal, went to all my classes. Acting was fun because Liz gave me quite a compliment. In the scenes we performed today, she said she really loved my progession, how I raised the stakes and had a clear objective with each line. She used my performance as an example to some of the other actors. So that made me proud. And I needed a little pride since I found out we had rehearsal last night and I apparently didn't get that memo so to speak. Yeah, eek. So we gotta make sure that mistake doesn't happen twice.
Anyhoo, yeah, went to classes, dicked around in the computer lab for a little bit, Subbed for Shalini in CFA, and I didn't get home until...I dunno, 6 or 7ish. And then something very weird happened, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to watch TV, or play on the computer. Didn't want to listen to music. Didn't feel like calling Clark. Called Tina but she wasn't home. And for the first time all day I just sat, without distraction and felt my own aloneness.
I try to keep myself busy every minute of the day because my mind strays into some awfully dark places when unoccupied. Bored and alone, I layed down and began feeling sorry for myself. That's what happens when I think too much. I beat myself up for not having a significant other, for not being the kind of person people are attracted to, for being anti-social, undesirable, solitary. I beat myself up for beating myself up, and the more I thought the more I hated what I was thinking, the more I hated myself for thinking my thoughts.
I have these images of myself living at home for the rest of my life. Never taking any risks, never having a job, never having any money, never having another lover, always being ugly and sad. I put more stock into these thoughts then I do into my deam of being a writer. They just seem so much more likely, so much easier to achieve. And as we all know, I am very used to losing.
So I passed, oh...three or so hours dwelling on these thoughts until I felt the need for a caffeine fix, went to the Giz to fill it, and found T and went back to her place to watch Harry Potter.
But I've been feeling so alone lately, more so than usual, and I don't know why. I don't know why I don't have friends to hang with around here. I mean, it's not like I'm a hermit; I go to classes, I participate, I talk to people. I go to work, I converse with my fellow workers. I perform in plays. I do extracurriculars. I'm an active person. So there is no SOCIAL reason I shouldn't have friends. I'm putting myself out there.
More than likely it's that people on the outside don't like ME as a person. I don't know why, so I'll simply atribute it to that unnamable inherent wrongness in me. But I don't want to fight the wrongness. I want to integrate it into my psyche. And I want others to accept it.
Like every other human on this planet, I just want to be me.
Ick did I just write that? How very after school special of me! *yawn* Cue the swelling music guys, I'm going to bed.
