Ugly Girl

[morrigirl]

I dunno what the problem is. Why the hell have I been feeling so ugly for the past two nights? I don't feel like being reflective or writing anything worthwhile, I just feel like being pathetic and begging someone to care about me!

Guess I'm lonely. Maybe that's it. I haven't hung out with anyone since Josh dumped me. I want to find out how his first day of work went but I don't think I'm ready to call him. I still feel too hurt. He has become just another example of how defective I am. I can't deal with him right now. I sent him the link to this journal a while back. I wonder if he got it? Wonder if he gives a shit? I asked him to email me back so I'd know that he got it. Maybe he's mad at me.

I feel the need to be doted on. I want someone to cuddle with me, and take me out to dinner or to a movie. I want someone to care about what I did during the day, someone who will tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am, and how much they love me. Someone who will make me smile.

Where are you? They say there is someone for everyone, well where the hell is my someone? YOO HOO!!! Are you out there? Where's my other half?

Here's a thought I've had before: Kirk was my other half, and now that he's dead I'm destined to be alone.

I used to think everyone had more than one potential life partner. I'm starting to doubt that.

Through all my self-examination I've been trying to create enough self-love that I won't need to look to others to give me my self-worth. Cause thats essentially WHY I want someone in my life. I want them to love me the way I was never loved as a child. And while I've been doing pretty well over the last few days, every now and then I just gotta fall back into the hole. It becomes to hard to hold myself up. I'm kind of afraid that if I learn to take care of myself on an emotional level than no one will want me because all my needs will be met and I won't need anything from anyone else. Who wants to date someone who doesn't need you?

I hate late lonely nights. And I hate it when I start talking like this. Makes me feel weak.

Comments

[afraidofliving.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be your someone. I find you attractive (looks AND personality).......yes, I mean it. I love Italian-looking girls (part Italian myself) and I really like your look.

If I didn't live so far away, I'd love to go out with you. I look at your pic and I really don't see anything resembling ugly.

If you want to see what ugly really is, have a look at my pic:

http://www.faceparty.com/nothingman

*HUG*

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

oh Ben you're not ugly. The way you talk about yourself I was expecting to find a horribly deformed monster on the other end of that link lol. But you're cute :-)You're a nice normal guy. You don't have anything to be ashamed of.

Aw you're so sweet to me. If you lived in NYC I'd say let's go out for coffee and see where things lead.

*huggles*

[afraidofliving.livejournal.com]

It's a pity I hadn't met you on here a couple of months ago. I had a ticket to fly to New York to see Theresa, but I changed it to see a friend in San Francisco instead. I'd love to see New York sometime though. I have another friend there too.

New York

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

You should definitely make your way out here some day. New york is a city everyone should visit at least once if not more. But then again, I'm biased :-)

[dpsycho.livejournal.com]

Hon, relax a bit, if you can will yourself to do so. You're experiencing the normal routine for suddenly finding yourself to be alone relationship-wise. You know that you're not ugly. How many replies does the entry with your picture have? Were any of them negative? Would you have gotten so many if people thought you looked like a cow?

Don't try too hard to seek affection right now. If you do, you will only make yourself feel worse, because it's never easy to find by actively searching. Just relax, be yourself, do things you enjoy. Heck, maybe you should try to convince yourself that you're NOT looking for attention. Nothing makes people show expressed interest in you as effectively as not wanting it. ^_^'

We love you, Carla. Remember that, and be a little patient. All will turn out well.

*sigh*

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

I know I know, I know all of that. I'm just tired of waiting. I spent years getting over my commitment phobia and when I finally did, no one on earth was interested in me.

And i know i am quite cacpable of being physically cute but...when I say I'm ugly that's really not what I'm referring to. I mean as a person...I'm just not what anyone wants. No one wants to date a depressed, needy, obsessive, unemployed, delusional, anxiety ridden girl.

I'm tired of being patient. Everyone else around me is blissfully happy. I want to be blissful too.

You took the words riht out of my mouth...

[devilorangel.livejournal.com]

Reading what you read made me realise that's how I'm kinda feeling but didn't know how to say it...

I'm sure one day you will love you for you the same as I hope it happens for me.

Take care
~hugs~
Lexi
xxx

Re: You took the words riht out of my mouth...

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you Lexi. You're so sweet to me. *hugs*

Re: You took the words right out of my mouth...

[devilorangel.livejournal.com]

I'm just hoping we can all get thru these bad days so many of us seem to be having...

But I do believe you will find someone who will love you for you & don't take no crap from no-one.

I believe you deserve the best & it will happen just keep on keeping on...

~hugs~

Lexi
xxx