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morrigirlHere are some emails Alan and i have been exchanging over the last day or so.
Hi Alan,
How are you doing?
I had the longest night. I only slept three hours. I had to sleep with a light on because being in the dark made me think of death and of where Kirk is now. I can't concentrate on anything. I just keep getting images in my head of his lifeless body laying on the bed with a garbage bag over his head. Then i think of him in that cold impersonal morgue, and finally in the ground rotting away. He shouldn't be like that. He should be here with us.
My emotions are going haywire. Sometimes I feel numb, other times I just can't stop crying and thinking "why why why."
This is the worst feeling I've ever had. I think it may even be worse then the depression. Just knowing that I will never see him again, that I can never bring him back, and that he chose to leave this earth of his own free will is tearing me apart.
How are you feeling?
Carla
Hi Carla,
I know just how you are feeling. He is being buried today.Some of us just don't belong on Earth. Kirk was one of them. I'm dealing with my rage by making trouble for his psychiatrists. Maybe,this will be a legacy for Kirk in that they will remember by treating other people. I had to do something concrete.
It is said that you are a "virgin at life until someone you love dies". This is not new to me unfortunately.Pray he is finally at peace.Call me this weekend. Hang in there.
Alan
Are you going to the burial? Will you let me know where he has been buried so that I can maybe go visit when I come home? I wish I could be there. If I had known I would have hopped on a train Sunday night so I could be there today.
The Dean of students has excused me from classes until next week, and my boss has excused me from work. I'm very thankful for that because I don't think I could have made it through class yesterday.
I went to the library and took out some books about grief and suicide. You know me, when I'm faced with a problem I head straight for the books. Obtaining knowledge is the only thing I feel I can actively do, particularly in this situation.
I'm glad you are making touble for his psychiatrists. I've been thinking that he would still be alive if someone had had the foresight to keep him in the hospital after he messed up his legs. But then I think, well, he had decided to die before I even met him. Even if he were alive and institutionalized now, he probably would have just tried again when he got out. It was the one thing he really wanted more than anything else.
I'm feeling slightly better today. the reality that he is gone and I can't change that is slowly sinking it. I know there was nothing I could have done for him, but that doesn't stop me from wishing there was.
Love
Carla
Hi Alan,
How are you doing?
I had the longest night. I only slept three hours. I had to sleep with a light on because being in the dark made me think of death and of where Kirk is now. I can't concentrate on anything. I just keep getting images in my head of his lifeless body laying on the bed with a garbage bag over his head. Then i think of him in that cold impersonal morgue, and finally in the ground rotting away. He shouldn't be like that. He should be here with us.
My emotions are going haywire. Sometimes I feel numb, other times I just can't stop crying and thinking "why why why."
This is the worst feeling I've ever had. I think it may even be worse then the depression. Just knowing that I will never see him again, that I can never bring him back, and that he chose to leave this earth of his own free will is tearing me apart.
How are you feeling?
Carla
Hi Carla,
I know just how you are feeling. He is being buried today.Some of us just don't belong on Earth. Kirk was one of them. I'm dealing with my rage by making trouble for his psychiatrists. Maybe,this will be a legacy for Kirk in that they will remember by treating other people. I had to do something concrete.
It is said that you are a "virgin at life until someone you love dies". This is not new to me unfortunately.Pray he is finally at peace.Call me this weekend. Hang in there.
Alan
Are you going to the burial? Will you let me know where he has been buried so that I can maybe go visit when I come home? I wish I could be there. If I had known I would have hopped on a train Sunday night so I could be there today.
The Dean of students has excused me from classes until next week, and my boss has excused me from work. I'm very thankful for that because I don't think I could have made it through class yesterday.
I went to the library and took out some books about grief and suicide. You know me, when I'm faced with a problem I head straight for the books. Obtaining knowledge is the only thing I feel I can actively do, particularly in this situation.
I'm glad you are making touble for his psychiatrists. I've been thinking that he would still be alive if someone had had the foresight to keep him in the hospital after he messed up his legs. But then I think, well, he had decided to die before I even met him. Even if he were alive and institutionalized now, he probably would have just tried again when he got out. It was the one thing he really wanted more than anything else.
I'm feeling slightly better today. the reality that he is gone and I can't change that is slowly sinking it. I know there was nothing I could have done for him, but that doesn't stop me from wishing there was.
Love
Carla
