Clark, You Dirty Bastard
Jun. 15th, 2002 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI expect this to be a very long entry since I have lots to tell you since yesterday. Found out a lot of stuff, and have been doing much thinking. But I suppose I'll start with the mundane stuff and work my way up to the spiritual shit.
Mom and I moved the dressers yesterday! Now I have a new black dresser in my room and a stack of lingerie drawers which I just call the dresser with the really shallow drawers! I've been taking things out of storage and putting them on my newly acquired dresser. It is so nice to have some space again! I have all my jewelry boxes out, and my make up, and I'm looking for a place to put all my magical paraphenalia. My room and the living room both look like a tornado hit, but little by little I'm getting everything in order. It's a pleasurable task at any rate. I love creating order.
On another note I got another email from Gayle today. She's not mad about the...revelation I kinda made to her. I didn't think she would be but you never know. Gayle is a truly understanding human being, and I totally love her. Even when I've been jealous and hurt and angry at her she has never hated me. I don't know why she puts up with me. At any rate shes actually happy I told her what Clark was saying, and she understands where I was coming from with all my aggression so that's a relief to me. She said it was stupid of us to feel jealous of each other over such a...loser basically! I just read a great chapter in the Pinkola book about the kind of male women actaully deserve. It was very empowering and I think Gayle would probably benefit from readin it as well. Gayley, if you can get your hands on chapter 4 of Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes I would highly recommend reading it.
Also got a reply from Agnes today :) She is in London working on her honors project! She sounds terribly busy but very happy. She is dating this guy named Bill who apparently is treating her like the treasure that she is. I'm very happy for her. She says she and Clark are no longer on speaking terms, and that they will most likely stay that way because Clark never initiates contact with people and she really has no desire to talk to him right now. She says being with Bill has made her realize how absolutely awful Clark really treated her and shes been dealing with newly surfacing hostilities towards him.
It's odd she should mention that because last night while I was drifting off to sleep I thought about Clark. It was a long train of thought that I would like to try and recap for you.
I spoke with Moses on IM for like an hour last night. Really good conversation. He and I seem to be at our best during the wee hours of the morning. Anyway we ended the conversation talking about spirituality so I went to bed with ideas floating through my head. First I thought about depression and how both Moses and I were depressed this year. He told me that he hasn't really studied spirituality since freshman year. That got me thinking about how much my spirituality contributes to my increased mental health. Casting spells and learning magical techniques makes me feel empowered and creative and it gets my head going again. Evidenced by the many book ideas I've been coming up with lately.
One of those ideas, the Buffy psychology idea, is actually attached to spiritual concepts Clark follows. He practices Chaos Magick, and chaotes while finding order in chaos and believing choas is the natural state of the universe also believe there are no spiritual ramifications to their actions, in essence giving them license to do whatever the hell they want. I totally disagree with this idea because it leaves so much room for misuse and unethical behavior.
And I started thinking about how this belief makes it easy for him to hurt people without having to take responsibility for his actions. I thought about all the times he blamed me, and Gayle, and Martha, and Agnes, and I'll bet Katy too for what were actually his own misteps. And I started to get mad. I felt all this rage rising in me. I felt so much of it I wanted to hit a wall! None of us were different or special to him. He did the same thing to each and everyone of us and makes no qualms about it! And he will hurt others out of his own insecurity! Just pisses me off. When I think of how much he did to squash my and Gayle's confidence, when I think of how we let him do it, it just sickens me! I can see his manipulations, see how he disguised them as acts of love, and friendship, when they were nothing but attempts to control us.
We all thought because he was dark and brooding and pagan and smart and political that he was special. But Gayle was right, he is just another boy. Nothing special about him. Just another guy looking for a girl who he can control. He doesn't want an equal he wants someone who will constantly pamper and parrot him.
See? just look at this I could rail on him for WEEKS the boy has effected me so much! But I thought about how much better we will all be now that he is gone, and what wonderful people we will winde up spending our lives with, people so much kinder then him. People who can really see us for our true selves. I know Im starting to sound kinda fluffy, but bear with me please.
The chapter I was talking about earlier really made me think that you know it really isn't so defect in me that drives men away, it's just none of them have been willing to put in the work it requires to be in a REAL relationship. One in which no one is sacrificing their needs or desires, on in whcih two equals are together because they find one another endlessly interesting and lovable.
Man this is one long tirade. I'm not sure what my point is but, I've just been thinking about boys, and magic and girl power, and relationships andfriendships and these are the things I've come up with.
There will be more where this came from I'm sure.
Mom and I moved the dressers yesterday! Now I have a new black dresser in my room and a stack of lingerie drawers which I just call the dresser with the really shallow drawers! I've been taking things out of storage and putting them on my newly acquired dresser. It is so nice to have some space again! I have all my jewelry boxes out, and my make up, and I'm looking for a place to put all my magical paraphenalia. My room and the living room both look like a tornado hit, but little by little I'm getting everything in order. It's a pleasurable task at any rate. I love creating order.
On another note I got another email from Gayle today. She's not mad about the...revelation I kinda made to her. I didn't think she would be but you never know. Gayle is a truly understanding human being, and I totally love her. Even when I've been jealous and hurt and angry at her she has never hated me. I don't know why she puts up with me. At any rate shes actually happy I told her what Clark was saying, and she understands where I was coming from with all my aggression so that's a relief to me. She said it was stupid of us to feel jealous of each other over such a...loser basically! I just read a great chapter in the Pinkola book about the kind of male women actaully deserve. It was very empowering and I think Gayle would probably benefit from readin it as well. Gayley, if you can get your hands on chapter 4 of Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes I would highly recommend reading it.
Also got a reply from Agnes today :) She is in London working on her honors project! She sounds terribly busy but very happy. She is dating this guy named Bill who apparently is treating her like the treasure that she is. I'm very happy for her. She says she and Clark are no longer on speaking terms, and that they will most likely stay that way because Clark never initiates contact with people and she really has no desire to talk to him right now. She says being with Bill has made her realize how absolutely awful Clark really treated her and shes been dealing with newly surfacing hostilities towards him.
It's odd she should mention that because last night while I was drifting off to sleep I thought about Clark. It was a long train of thought that I would like to try and recap for you.
I spoke with Moses on IM for like an hour last night. Really good conversation. He and I seem to be at our best during the wee hours of the morning. Anyway we ended the conversation talking about spirituality so I went to bed with ideas floating through my head. First I thought about depression and how both Moses and I were depressed this year. He told me that he hasn't really studied spirituality since freshman year. That got me thinking about how much my spirituality contributes to my increased mental health. Casting spells and learning magical techniques makes me feel empowered and creative and it gets my head going again. Evidenced by the many book ideas I've been coming up with lately.
One of those ideas, the Buffy psychology idea, is actually attached to spiritual concepts Clark follows. He practices Chaos Magick, and chaotes while finding order in chaos and believing choas is the natural state of the universe also believe there are no spiritual ramifications to their actions, in essence giving them license to do whatever the hell they want. I totally disagree with this idea because it leaves so much room for misuse and unethical behavior.
And I started thinking about how this belief makes it easy for him to hurt people without having to take responsibility for his actions. I thought about all the times he blamed me, and Gayle, and Martha, and Agnes, and I'll bet Katy too for what were actually his own misteps. And I started to get mad. I felt all this rage rising in me. I felt so much of it I wanted to hit a wall! None of us were different or special to him. He did the same thing to each and everyone of us and makes no qualms about it! And he will hurt others out of his own insecurity! Just pisses me off. When I think of how much he did to squash my and Gayle's confidence, when I think of how we let him do it, it just sickens me! I can see his manipulations, see how he disguised them as acts of love, and friendship, when they were nothing but attempts to control us.
We all thought because he was dark and brooding and pagan and smart and political that he was special. But Gayle was right, he is just another boy. Nothing special about him. Just another guy looking for a girl who he can control. He doesn't want an equal he wants someone who will constantly pamper and parrot him.
See? just look at this I could rail on him for WEEKS the boy has effected me so much! But I thought about how much better we will all be now that he is gone, and what wonderful people we will winde up spending our lives with, people so much kinder then him. People who can really see us for our true selves. I know Im starting to sound kinda fluffy, but bear with me please.
The chapter I was talking about earlier really made me think that you know it really isn't so defect in me that drives men away, it's just none of them have been willing to put in the work it requires to be in a REAL relationship. One in which no one is sacrificing their needs or desires, on in whcih two equals are together because they find one another endlessly interesting and lovable.
Man this is one long tirade. I'm not sure what my point is but, I've just been thinking about boys, and magic and girl power, and relationships andfriendships and these are the things I've come up with.
There will be more where this came from I'm sure.
