After Moonrise
Feb. 15th, 2002 01:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlToday has actually turned out pretty good despite the fact that I only got two hours of sleep.
Spoke to Kevin on IM and he asked me to be his honorary Valentine. :) We talked for a bit and were all cute and stupid. But even so I'm still straddling the fence. There are times when I feel like I could love Kevin. That he just makes me feel so wanted and adored and I think that all I want is to curl up in his arms forever. And then I think that all I really love about him is the fact that he likes me and gives me attention. Then I begin feeling very neutral towards him. Like I could never trust him and he could never win my heart back. And furthmore that not only don't I want him but that I don't want anyone right now. That I would be better off to concentrate on my studies and actually trying to go to class and get good grades. (And if I say the word "and" in this sentence one more time I'm going to resign from being a writing major!) My emotions are a pendulum. They swing between two extremes.
Also I've realized that I use my extreme emotions as weapons. I use them to make people feel certain things. Like I used my sadness to make Kevin feel guilty. I manipulate. I don't know why because I rarely obtain the thing I desire. But it was an odd thought to realize that this is the way I make people bend to my will. I use empathy as my weapon.
Lindsey and I watched Sleepy Hollow tonight. The scene where Johnny Depp's father kills his mother made me think of Kevin. It brought up the whole religious conflict between us. He says he wants to get back with me, but how is that even possible if he could never see himself with someone who isn't catholic? I can see him crucifying me the same way they hurt the Witch in Sleepy Hollow. I should prolly ask him about this.
In other news I met Clark's girlfriend Jackie today. Lindsey and I were passing through the Gizmo when Clark ran up to me and dragged me over to meet her. She is nothing like I imagined her to be. Physically she is not his type at all. But that's all I can really say about her because I didn't really stay to chat. But he seemed happy enough and thats what counts. I don't think I ever mentions that Clark says I was the third person he told Jackie about after Martha and Agnes. That makes me feel special :)To know that my friends speak to their friends about me. I dunno there is just something really cool about that!
And speaking of Agnes, not that this directly relates to her or anything but Lindsey has given a name to a certain phenomenon in my life. She calls it the Agnes Factor, and we defined right after I became friend with Heather H (who is still a sweetheart by the way. I just wanna invite her over here to watch TV and eat cookies with me sometime.) It's the weird phenomenon in which the girlfriend or ex girlfriend of a current or past romatic interest suddenly becomes my good friend.
She's right, this happens a lot. I think part of it is kind of defense mechanism. A sort of befriending the enemy deal. If I like my competition or my successor I don't feel threatened by her. Furthermore making a new friend has always been more valuable to me then having a new love interest. Offer me a boy or a friend and I'll pick the friend everytime. But I would have been friends with both Agnes and Heather any way just cause they are cool. It's just coincedence that I had to mess with their men in order to meet them both!
Well happy valentine's day to all. Its almost Homicide time.
Late.
Spoke to Kevin on IM and he asked me to be his honorary Valentine. :) We talked for a bit and were all cute and stupid. But even so I'm still straddling the fence. There are times when I feel like I could love Kevin. That he just makes me feel so wanted and adored and I think that all I want is to curl up in his arms forever. And then I think that all I really love about him is the fact that he likes me and gives me attention. Then I begin feeling very neutral towards him. Like I could never trust him and he could never win my heart back. And furthmore that not only don't I want him but that I don't want anyone right now. That I would be better off to concentrate on my studies and actually trying to go to class and get good grades. (And if I say the word "and" in this sentence one more time I'm going to resign from being a writing major!) My emotions are a pendulum. They swing between two extremes.
Also I've realized that I use my extreme emotions as weapons. I use them to make people feel certain things. Like I used my sadness to make Kevin feel guilty. I manipulate. I don't know why because I rarely obtain the thing I desire. But it was an odd thought to realize that this is the way I make people bend to my will. I use empathy as my weapon.
Lindsey and I watched Sleepy Hollow tonight. The scene where Johnny Depp's father kills his mother made me think of Kevin. It brought up the whole religious conflict between us. He says he wants to get back with me, but how is that even possible if he could never see himself with someone who isn't catholic? I can see him crucifying me the same way they hurt the Witch in Sleepy Hollow. I should prolly ask him about this.
In other news I met Clark's girlfriend Jackie today. Lindsey and I were passing through the Gizmo when Clark ran up to me and dragged me over to meet her. She is nothing like I imagined her to be. Physically she is not his type at all. But that's all I can really say about her because I didn't really stay to chat. But he seemed happy enough and thats what counts. I don't think I ever mentions that Clark says I was the third person he told Jackie about after Martha and Agnes. That makes me feel special :)To know that my friends speak to their friends about me. I dunno there is just something really cool about that!
And speaking of Agnes, not that this directly relates to her or anything but Lindsey has given a name to a certain phenomenon in my life. She calls it the Agnes Factor, and we defined right after I became friend with Heather H (who is still a sweetheart by the way. I just wanna invite her over here to watch TV and eat cookies with me sometime.) It's the weird phenomenon in which the girlfriend or ex girlfriend of a current or past romatic interest suddenly becomes my good friend.
She's right, this happens a lot. I think part of it is kind of defense mechanism. A sort of befriending the enemy deal. If I like my competition or my successor I don't feel threatened by her. Furthermore making a new friend has always been more valuable to me then having a new love interest. Offer me a boy or a friend and I'll pick the friend everytime. But I would have been friends with both Agnes and Heather any way just cause they are cool. It's just coincedence that I had to mess with their men in order to meet them both!
Well happy valentine's day to all. Its almost Homicide time.
Late.
