A Little Joni Mitchell
Feb. 8th, 2002 04:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI've just been dancing around the music library to Joni Mitchell. The song is "In France they Kiss on Main Street." That's the beauty of working on Fridays, no one is in here and I can be as stupid as I want :)
I just got out of a really awesome small group workshop with Jen Tynes, Christopher, and David. They all really liked my poem. Jen said it was her favorite one that she had read of mine so far. And I dont really respect Jen's opinion, but she was nice to me today and I was flattered that she said that. She may be elitist but lets face it she is what the staff considers the schools most promising poet in years. Even though I don't like her work. It's not my bag.
I'm glad I didn't write this entry earlier. I don't know what I would have said. I'm glad I have my head again. And why did I lose it you ask? Kevin of course. Who else could cause me to lose sight of reality? I was talking to him earlier today. He said that he had been reading my journal and he read the weird ass shit entry. Before he read it he had been planning on begging me to get back with him. He said after reading the entry he thought better of it realizing how much anger I still have in me that is directed towards him. Which is fine. Then we got into this whole big thing where we just discussed problems and trust and comunnication and wow it was exhausting! It wasnt bad its just that those are big issues and they can easily wear one out.
The crazy thing is I would have taken him back if he had asked. On some level that is what I wanted. But still I think better of it. I mean, I trust people pretty easily, but once they betray my trust it is very hard to win it back. I think if I run a risk once and I get hurt there is no reason to run it again. Kevin proved he could not handle my flip outs. (even though he did try to explain his reaction today but we won't go into that) How could I be with someone who I can't go to with my problems? Who I don't feel I can trust to give me what I emotionally need? It seems pretty cut and dried but obviously I'm a bit conflicted about it if I'm even writing about it. One part of me wants him back. Another part of me thinks I'm better without him.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Not that Im going to beg him to return. I've done that too many times in my life. No more begging. I guess if it happens that we work things out and we both decide we are willing to get over whatever hurdles are blocking us then thats great, if not, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I'm not gonna let myself stress over this. I think I'm finally starting to realize what a beautiful, special, mysterious, sensual, fun, talented, and outstanding person I am, and how many doors that will open for me.
Oh and Kevin is going out on a date on sunday. Yeah that didn't sit well with me. But then again I'm sure he wasn't thrilled that I kissed Wes Williams so I can't complain.
After Work Lindsey is taking Dave and I to the mall. I want to buy a book on Satanism there. Not that I'm taking it up or anything but Linds has been reading up on it recently and she thinks she might be a Satanist. So I want to read a little about it so I know what the truth behind it is. I've already read a few exerpts from the Satanic Bible and its actually really common sense kind of stuff. It's not all the dark disgustingness the media makes it out to be. In fact I can see how this faith could be a very positive force in someones life. Maybe even Lindsey's.
Heather, Steffi and I going to bake cookies and watch a movie tonight. I dont know if Cynthia will be there or not. Toby and Bryce wont be home so well have the whole apartment to ourselves, yee haw!!!!
I pause for a moement and wonder how much honest writing I have been doing? I mean seriously. Now I have an audience of people, one of them an ex boyfriedn who I am obviously not totally over, who regualarly read this thing. Am I posing? Am I saying what they want to hear or what I want then to hear? When I wrote the crazy ass weird entry the other day I wrote it with a self-conscious knowledge that Kevin would read it. Is this what diary is all about? Well I'm trying my damndest to be totally honest here. Write all for myself. I think I'm succeeding. I hope I am.
I just got out of a really awesome small group workshop with Jen Tynes, Christopher, and David. They all really liked my poem. Jen said it was her favorite one that she had read of mine so far. And I dont really respect Jen's opinion, but she was nice to me today and I was flattered that she said that. She may be elitist but lets face it she is what the staff considers the schools most promising poet in years. Even though I don't like her work. It's not my bag.
I'm glad I didn't write this entry earlier. I don't know what I would have said. I'm glad I have my head again. And why did I lose it you ask? Kevin of course. Who else could cause me to lose sight of reality? I was talking to him earlier today. He said that he had been reading my journal and he read the weird ass shit entry. Before he read it he had been planning on begging me to get back with him. He said after reading the entry he thought better of it realizing how much anger I still have in me that is directed towards him. Which is fine. Then we got into this whole big thing where we just discussed problems and trust and comunnication and wow it was exhausting! It wasnt bad its just that those are big issues and they can easily wear one out.
The crazy thing is I would have taken him back if he had asked. On some level that is what I wanted. But still I think better of it. I mean, I trust people pretty easily, but once they betray my trust it is very hard to win it back. I think if I run a risk once and I get hurt there is no reason to run it again. Kevin proved he could not handle my flip outs. (even though he did try to explain his reaction today but we won't go into that) How could I be with someone who I can't go to with my problems? Who I don't feel I can trust to give me what I emotionally need? It seems pretty cut and dried but obviously I'm a bit conflicted about it if I'm even writing about it. One part of me wants him back. Another part of me thinks I'm better without him.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Not that Im going to beg him to return. I've done that too many times in my life. No more begging. I guess if it happens that we work things out and we both decide we are willing to get over whatever hurdles are blocking us then thats great, if not, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I'm not gonna let myself stress over this. I think I'm finally starting to realize what a beautiful, special, mysterious, sensual, fun, talented, and outstanding person I am, and how many doors that will open for me.
Oh and Kevin is going out on a date on sunday. Yeah that didn't sit well with me. But then again I'm sure he wasn't thrilled that I kissed Wes Williams so I can't complain.
After Work Lindsey is taking Dave and I to the mall. I want to buy a book on Satanism there. Not that I'm taking it up or anything but Linds has been reading up on it recently and she thinks she might be a Satanist. So I want to read a little about it so I know what the truth behind it is. I've already read a few exerpts from the Satanic Bible and its actually really common sense kind of stuff. It's not all the dark disgustingness the media makes it out to be. In fact I can see how this faith could be a very positive force in someones life. Maybe even Lindsey's.
Heather, Steffi and I going to bake cookies and watch a movie tonight. I dont know if Cynthia will be there or not. Toby and Bryce wont be home so well have the whole apartment to ourselves, yee haw!!!!
I pause for a moement and wonder how much honest writing I have been doing? I mean seriously. Now I have an audience of people, one of them an ex boyfriedn who I am obviously not totally over, who regualarly read this thing. Am I posing? Am I saying what they want to hear or what I want then to hear? When I wrote the crazy ass weird entry the other day I wrote it with a self-conscious knowledge that Kevin would read it. Is this what diary is all about? Well I'm trying my damndest to be totally honest here. Write all for myself. I think I'm succeeding. I hope I am.
