morrigirl | The Curse (Reply)

The strangest thing just happened. I was sitting by myself in the living room. Had the AC running, the TV off, and I was writing some affirmations in my notebooks. ( I've recently returned to affirmations after several years of disillusionment. They worked for me in high school. I only stopped using them after I entered college and had no privacy with which to repeat them to myself. I'm so desperate to raise my self esteem at this point I'll try or re-try anything.) Anyway, I was working with an affirmation that I particularly like, when my mom cam ehome from work.

She openned the front door...and I just froze. She walked in, she started talking, she took over the space, and I couldn't move. My pen wouldn't move. I couldn't concentrate on the paper in front of me, I felt completely saturated with my mother! It was as if she were standing directly infront of me and passing judgment on what I was doing, even though all she was doing was standing in the doorway and reading the mail and talking to herself.

So I closed my notebook, put my pen down, and just sat there on the couch. Quiet. Motionless. I suddenly had no idea what to do or what i could do because the minute she walked in I was put under the microscope. I knew that for the rest of the night I would be under her eye and she would want to know every little thing I did. and she would pass judgment on it. Even when I came into Laura's room to type all this up my mom kept popping her head in: "What are you doing?" "If you get too hot turn on the fan." "What do you want for dinner?" "I could make you some tuna fish. No? I could heat up some pasta for you." "You know you can turn on the air conditioner." Every five minutes, she just HAS to know what I'm doing. She HAS to be in on it. I can't have privacy. I think she's even more nosy now than she was when I was a teenager. I don't know why or how that works. I'm just as much of a loser now as I was back then so it's not like she has anything to worry about.

Another interesting discovery today: Was reading this new book I bought about the negative effects of SSRI's and found out that continued use of SSRI's is connected to a loss of religious faith. Very devout people of all faiths up and abandon beleif in God after extended use of SSRI's. There's an interesting theory behind this. SSRI's increase the level of serotonin in the brain and decrease the body's ability to metabolize it. Reasearch shows that the Pineal gland, also known as the Third Eye in Eastern Mysticism, and generally regarded as the biological portal through which one recieves religious inspiration, metabolizes 50% of all serotonin in the brain. Therefore when someone takes an SSRI not only is the penial gland suddenly working overtime because of all the serotonin that is being released, but it isn't able to metabolize even normal amounts of serotonin in a timely fashion. The author of the book suggested that the pineal gland being overworked and chemically altered is so busy just trying to operate normally that it stops working in it's spiritual capacity, making people feel as though they have lost touch with God. Interesting theory to my metaphysical thinking. Also explains why I suddenly went all atheist after ten years as a devout Wiccan. Part of my reason for doing so was because I couldn't feel the Goddess anymore. She wasn't answering my prayers or questions. She couldn't explain why Kirk had to die.

On a somewhat though not totally related note, I sure do like the depression community. Everyone there is so nice. Whenever I post on there everyone just fucking runs to my rescue!!! Within a few minutes I have feedback telling me all the stuff a depressed person needs to hear when they aren't feeling well. It's great. I love it. There are some of the sweetest people out there, like