![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
For the last two nights I've come home around midnight to find little or no heat coming out of my radiator. The thermostats for all the apartments in my building are in the landlord's apartment on the first floor so if I want the heat turned up I have to call them. They were quite asleep by the time I got in so I was unable to ask them to turn it up/on. My landlords aren't bad people, they've always been nice to me, always done what I've asked of them, but I fear pissing them off since I rent month to month and don't have a lease, and would really hate for them to suddenly decide to evict me. But I get scared when I don't have heat. Since my immune system is so weak staying in any cold environment for any extended period of time usually makes me sick. Last year we had a relatively harsh winter. I spent months sleeping in my sub-zero apartment and came down with a sinus infection every month between December and March because of it. Since then I've become more persistent and forceful when it comes to asking for my heat to be turned up. It also helps that we've had a fairly mild winter this year. Still, the heat always seems to disappear during cold spells like the one we're having now. Today is my mother's birthday so I won't be getting home before the land-people go to bed yet again this evening, so instead I'm going to call them when I get out of work and tell them I slept in a t-shirt, a sweater, and a robe under four blankets last night and they better pump the heat in my apartment before they go to bed tonight or else I'm gonna go out and buy three space heaters, plug 'em all into the same outlet, run them all night under the broken fire alarm they've yet to replace, and burn the whole damn house into the fucking conrete. I probably won't phrase it exactly like that. But I will remind them about the fire alarm and make sure they understand that the heat MUST be on when I get home.
Jan. 26th, 2006
Write it Out - Part 1
Jan. 26th, 2006 03:31 pmDear Mike,
I don't want you to misunderstand this letter. I am no longer interested in being your girlfriend and I don't start out with that to hurt you, just to clarify. I stopped being interested way back in October when all your Hofstra troubles really started coming to a head. I knew then that we didn't have any long-term romantic potential, that we were both in far different places in our lives to have a truly mature relationship. I probably should have ended things then. But you were so miserable I didn't want to add to what was already an unbearable situation for you. I figured I would let you recoup, see if your mood improved, and then make a final decision on where I thought our relationship would go.
You knew I was unhappy those last months of 2005. You knew I was thinking about the possibility of breaking up. But in all that thought I never imagined I'd lose your friendship. Beyond any of the cancelled visits, forgotten phone calls, and indifferent behavior that is what troubles me the most. We've known each other for three years. We spent a little more than a year of that time as nothing more than best friends, discussing romantic prospects, parents, school, pop-culture and all that other innocuous stuff friends talk about. During the first half of our romantic relationship we maintained that friendly banter. Since November of 2004 barely a day has passed that we've not spoken on the phone or over AIM. A day wasn't complete until we'd touched base. You were a great comfort to me, something dependable in a time when nothing in my life felt secure and I thought I was the same to you. That loyalty meant a great deal to me and is the sort of behavior I find the most honorable and most valuable in a friend.
You dealt me quite a blow when you quit returning my phone calls. Suddenly, a friend who I thought was solid as stone, who didn't waver even when we broke-up the first time, simply disappeared. It's been a month since we last spoke and even after the last conversation we had, I've no idea why you no longer wish to speak to me. I can't imagine you've cut off all your other friends as well. As far as I know it is just me and because of that I feel betrayed. It hurts when someone you completely trusted cuts you out of their life without giving any reason. I don't know if I told you, but my best friend from junior high school did the same thing to me several years back. When I went away to college, my best friend from high school did the same thing. They both just stopped returning my calls, stopped answering my email. I did eventually find out what happened with the former, unfortunately after a year of avoided phone calls our friendship never recovered, and I still don't know why the latter dropped me. Perhaps I'll tell you more about them some other time. Suffice to say I've dealt with this particular type of end many times and it never ceases to sting. I expect to be betrayed by lovers, but I never expect to be betrayed by a friend.
In each case, I was unaware anything that endangered the friendship had occurred and in each case the other party did not think it necessary to tell me, a cowardly end in my humble opinion. I have dropped friends who I no longer considered friends, but I have always, ALWAYS told them why I was ending the friendship. I always felt I owed them that.
I am very hurt that you don't feel you owe me that. I'm hurt you don't feel the need to talk to me at all after years of talking daily. I'm hurt that my loyalty to you meant so little you could toss it aside sp easily. It is not my boyfriend who I miss here, it is my friend. It is my companion who I can only assume thought less of me than I did of him. I do not wish ill of you. If our paths never cross again I hope you are able to work out your troubles and live a satisfying life. I will be doing the same.
Sincerely,
Carla
I don't want you to misunderstand this letter. I am no longer interested in being your girlfriend and I don't start out with that to hurt you, just to clarify. I stopped being interested way back in October when all your Hofstra troubles really started coming to a head. I knew then that we didn't have any long-term romantic potential, that we were both in far different places in our lives to have a truly mature relationship. I probably should have ended things then. But you were so miserable I didn't want to add to what was already an unbearable situation for you. I figured I would let you recoup, see if your mood improved, and then make a final decision on where I thought our relationship would go.
You knew I was unhappy those last months of 2005. You knew I was thinking about the possibility of breaking up. But in all that thought I never imagined I'd lose your friendship. Beyond any of the cancelled visits, forgotten phone calls, and indifferent behavior that is what troubles me the most. We've known each other for three years. We spent a little more than a year of that time as nothing more than best friends, discussing romantic prospects, parents, school, pop-culture and all that other innocuous stuff friends talk about. During the first half of our romantic relationship we maintained that friendly banter. Since November of 2004 barely a day has passed that we've not spoken on the phone or over AIM. A day wasn't complete until we'd touched base. You were a great comfort to me, something dependable in a time when nothing in my life felt secure and I thought I was the same to you. That loyalty meant a great deal to me and is the sort of behavior I find the most honorable and most valuable in a friend.
You dealt me quite a blow when you quit returning my phone calls. Suddenly, a friend who I thought was solid as stone, who didn't waver even when we broke-up the first time, simply disappeared. It's been a month since we last spoke and even after the last conversation we had, I've no idea why you no longer wish to speak to me. I can't imagine you've cut off all your other friends as well. As far as I know it is just me and because of that I feel betrayed. It hurts when someone you completely trusted cuts you out of their life without giving any reason. I don't know if I told you, but my best friend from junior high school did the same thing to me several years back. When I went away to college, my best friend from high school did the same thing. They both just stopped returning my calls, stopped answering my email. I did eventually find out what happened with the former, unfortunately after a year of avoided phone calls our friendship never recovered, and I still don't know why the latter dropped me. Perhaps I'll tell you more about them some other time. Suffice to say I've dealt with this particular type of end many times and it never ceases to sting. I expect to be betrayed by lovers, but I never expect to be betrayed by a friend.
In each case, I was unaware anything that endangered the friendship had occurred and in each case the other party did not think it necessary to tell me, a cowardly end in my humble opinion. I have dropped friends who I no longer considered friends, but I have always, ALWAYS told them why I was ending the friendship. I always felt I owed them that.
I am very hurt that you don't feel you owe me that. I'm hurt you don't feel the need to talk to me at all after years of talking daily. I'm hurt that my loyalty to you meant so little you could toss it aside sp easily. It is not my boyfriend who I miss here, it is my friend. It is my companion who I can only assume thought less of me than I did of him. I do not wish ill of you. If our paths never cross again I hope you are able to work out your troubles and live a satisfying life. I will be doing the same.
Sincerely,
Carla
