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An Open Letter to Myself at Age 22
Apr. 21st, 2005 06:15 pmDear Carla,
This letter would probably hold more meaning for you were it written twenty, ten, or even as few as five years down the line. However, I can't wait that long. I may only be three years divorced from you but as I read over your old SCN journal entries I'm finding I have a lot to say to you. I know you're going through a tough time right now, that you feel as if the rug is about to be pulled out from under you. I'm writing to tell you not to worry, that things are gonna be all right. You may not believe me but you've grown up quite a bit since your Knox days. At 25 you have a full time job and your own apartment in the City. Never saw that coming did you?
As someone who has had time to distance herself from the events you've written so obsessively about, allow me to offer you a little advice.
1) Please stop wasting so much time and energy on Kevin. You're right, he doesn't love you, you don't love him, and the only reason you were with him to begin with was because you were lonely and needed someone to affirm your self worth through sexual desire. It's freshman year all over again. And you know what? For all your waffling about whether or not to sever all ties with him, you'll only speak to him once or twice again before you block him on your AIM list and never hear form him again. Know what else? You won't miss him. At all. Ever. He was a racist, misogynistic, self-absorbed asshole, and you lost nothing by cutting him out of your life. I know you don't think you have any idea what you want in a relationship, but over the next three years, you're gonna find out. At very least you're gonna develop a solid idea. The year you reach 25 you're gonna have such a firm sense of what is good for you, you're gonna start breaking up with people of your own volition. Never thought you'd see the day didja? So quit worrying so much about Kevin. He's gonna leave, you're gonna let him, you will both be happier for it. Direct your energy to more pressing issues like your school work.
2) Promise me you'll start getting more sleep. I just finished reading a week's worth of journal entries during which you only got about 3 hours of sleep total, and you wonder why you can't seem to stay awake long enough to finish your homework. Honey, if you don't get enough sleep you won't have enough energy to do all your work or go to class. As a consequence your grades will suffer. This ain't rocket science chica. Try to get 8 hours of sleep every night. Your transcripts will thank you for it later.
3) You know all that campus drama you write about? All the shit with Gayle, Tristina, Wes and Heather, Clark, Moses, and Leigh? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but not only is none of it important, most of it only exists in your own head. That's right, you my dear are making mountains out of mole hills all because you are bored and depressed and in need of entertainment. Yes, I know it all feels very real right now, but I think if you just sit down and look at the situations objectively you'll see that none of them warrent the level of attention you are giving them. So what if your friendship with Gayle lives in a state of constant jealousy? It always has! That's nothing to write about! And guess what? As soon as the two of you quit living on the same campus and going after all the same boys, you won't feel half as intimidated by her as you currently do. You won't give a shit the next time she hooks up with Clark because Clark will continue to treat you like his emotional garbage dump. You won't want him anymore. So what if Tristina is turning into someone you don't like? Big deal! She's not gonna keep in touch with you after graduation anyway so you won't have to deal with the new her anymore. You're gonna graduate from college, get a job, go on a couple dates, and try to figure out how to make it in the City. Trust me, none of this is gonna seem very dire three years down the road.
4) I know all the negative stuff is of the most importance to you right now, but looking back over all your entries you know which ones strike me as the most exciting, the most worthy of record? The positive ones. Like the entry where you write about dressing up to go to Heather F.'s Weekly Forum reading. Or the one where you go with Adrienne to Natania's reading and afterwards round up a posse of pretty ladies to go see improv. When you look back, you won't care about the bad times, you'll only want to remember the good ones so try to have more of them, and when you do, be sure to write about them in detail.
Three years from now you will be a considerably more developed writer. That should make you happy. You'll still be depressed, but when you feel helpless it will be a kind of helplessness that is ten times stronger and more in control than the helplessness you feel now. You'll still feel defective, but you'll start to realize that defective may not be the right word, that your inability to find a relationship worthy significant other has little to do with you being inherently fucked up and more to do with simply not yet having found anyone who is on your wave length.
Just study hard, enjoy your friends, and enjoy the freedom you don't yet realize you have out there at Knox. Go to the shows, do the theater, broadcast the radio show, go out to dinner at the Landmark, have breakfast at the Broadview, sit at the J-Club table even if Leigh is already there. Participate in every free activity you can schedule cause life gets a lot more expensive once you cease to be a student.
Take care, Honey. I'll be seeing you real soon.
Love,
Carla, age 25 and 10 months.
This letter would probably hold more meaning for you were it written twenty, ten, or even as few as five years down the line. However, I can't wait that long. I may only be three years divorced from you but as I read over your old SCN journal entries I'm finding I have a lot to say to you. I know you're going through a tough time right now, that you feel as if the rug is about to be pulled out from under you. I'm writing to tell you not to worry, that things are gonna be all right. You may not believe me but you've grown up quite a bit since your Knox days. At 25 you have a full time job and your own apartment in the City. Never saw that coming did you?
As someone who has had time to distance herself from the events you've written so obsessively about, allow me to offer you a little advice.
1) Please stop wasting so much time and energy on Kevin. You're right, he doesn't love you, you don't love him, and the only reason you were with him to begin with was because you were lonely and needed someone to affirm your self worth through sexual desire. It's freshman year all over again. And you know what? For all your waffling about whether or not to sever all ties with him, you'll only speak to him once or twice again before you block him on your AIM list and never hear form him again. Know what else? You won't miss him. At all. Ever. He was a racist, misogynistic, self-absorbed asshole, and you lost nothing by cutting him out of your life. I know you don't think you have any idea what you want in a relationship, but over the next three years, you're gonna find out. At very least you're gonna develop a solid idea. The year you reach 25 you're gonna have such a firm sense of what is good for you, you're gonna start breaking up with people of your own volition. Never thought you'd see the day didja? So quit worrying so much about Kevin. He's gonna leave, you're gonna let him, you will both be happier for it. Direct your energy to more pressing issues like your school work.
2) Promise me you'll start getting more sleep. I just finished reading a week's worth of journal entries during which you only got about 3 hours of sleep total, and you wonder why you can't seem to stay awake long enough to finish your homework. Honey, if you don't get enough sleep you won't have enough energy to do all your work or go to class. As a consequence your grades will suffer. This ain't rocket science chica. Try to get 8 hours of sleep every night. Your transcripts will thank you for it later.
3) You know all that campus drama you write about? All the shit with Gayle, Tristina, Wes and Heather, Clark, Moses, and Leigh? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but not only is none of it important, most of it only exists in your own head. That's right, you my dear are making mountains out of mole hills all because you are bored and depressed and in need of entertainment. Yes, I know it all feels very real right now, but I think if you just sit down and look at the situations objectively you'll see that none of them warrent the level of attention you are giving them. So what if your friendship with Gayle lives in a state of constant jealousy? It always has! That's nothing to write about! And guess what? As soon as the two of you quit living on the same campus and going after all the same boys, you won't feel half as intimidated by her as you currently do. You won't give a shit the next time she hooks up with Clark because Clark will continue to treat you like his emotional garbage dump. You won't want him anymore. So what if Tristina is turning into someone you don't like? Big deal! She's not gonna keep in touch with you after graduation anyway so you won't have to deal with the new her anymore. You're gonna graduate from college, get a job, go on a couple dates, and try to figure out how to make it in the City. Trust me, none of this is gonna seem very dire three years down the road.
4) I know all the negative stuff is of the most importance to you right now, but looking back over all your entries you know which ones strike me as the most exciting, the most worthy of record? The positive ones. Like the entry where you write about dressing up to go to Heather F.'s Weekly Forum reading. Or the one where you go with Adrienne to Natania's reading and afterwards round up a posse of pretty ladies to go see improv. When you look back, you won't care about the bad times, you'll only want to remember the good ones so try to have more of them, and when you do, be sure to write about them in detail.
Three years from now you will be a considerably more developed writer. That should make you happy. You'll still be depressed, but when you feel helpless it will be a kind of helplessness that is ten times stronger and more in control than the helplessness you feel now. You'll still feel defective, but you'll start to realize that defective may not be the right word, that your inability to find a relationship worthy significant other has little to do with you being inherently fucked up and more to do with simply not yet having found anyone who is on your wave length.
Just study hard, enjoy your friends, and enjoy the freedom you don't yet realize you have out there at Knox. Go to the shows, do the theater, broadcast the radio show, go out to dinner at the Landmark, have breakfast at the Broadview, sit at the J-Club table even if Leigh is already there. Participate in every free activity you can schedule cause life gets a lot more expensive once you cease to be a student.
Take care, Honey. I'll be seeing you real soon.
Love,
Carla, age 25 and 10 months.
