![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
The Way That You Love Me
May. 30th, 2004 12:48 amI am falling in love with the city again.
It hit me last night when, at 2AM I grew hungry and realizing there was no food in the house, decided to go down to the 24 hour deli on the next block. Got down there, saw there was nothing in the entire place I wanted to put in my body, and was about to head back upstairs when I figured out what I wanted, a bagel. It was a gorgeous night and I was full of energy so I walked to to H & H, home of the best bagels in the known universe.
Now this was a pretty unusual move on my part considering that I hadn't been out walking that late in three or four years. I used to go for walks after midnight all the time. Freshman and sophomore years at Knox I'd venture out at all hours, roaming around the railroad tracks, up and down Main Street, past the big pretty Lutheran church on Seminary. When I was at BMCC I used to take late night walks on Amsterdam Avenue every single night. Cities are at their most motherly when all the hub bub has died down, and those were some particularly turbulent years so I needed the mothering.
But I stopped going on late night walks after a few years at Knox. Galesburg is a lot more threatening after dark than New York is. There are no people on the street, no cars on the road, no lamps shining light around shadowy corners. Galesburg at night is the sort of place where no one can hear you if you scream. I stopped feeling safe there, so I stopped walking.
I had a moment of panic as I left the deli. I thought to myself "No, I really shouldn't walk to H & H. I could get hurt, killed, raped, stabbed, harrassed, or a number of other equally terrible things." Stood out on the sidewalk for a minute before logic finally butted in and said "Carla, you used to make this walk ever single night. Nothing happened then, and nothing is gonna happen now." I liked her thinking, so I went with that.
And I'm so glad I did because...wow, I'd forgotten how centering it is to walk down Broadway at 2 AM. I've never been able to properly explain this to anyone but...I feel loved when I'm out in the city after dark. Everything is so peaceful. The buildings are all asleep, the sidewalks are empty, and the sky is just so big it feels as though the city is closing her arms around me. As if she's holding me to her breast and stroking my hair. I'm not a spiritual woman any more, even so I still find walking New York the most spiritually satisfying activity. Because the city breathes, she breathes with the life of a million people just living their lives. Being here I can't help be feel how closely we're all connected. The bonds may be tenuous, but they exist. It's hard to feel lonely out here.
So I walked down to 80th Street, and I was listening to "Take my Home Tonight" by Eddie Money on my discman, and it was perfect because that's just such a great late night walking song, second only to "Out on the Streets" by Bruce Springsteen. And I got my bagel, and it was good, and I came home feeling totally loved, accepted, and cherished, all because the city told me I was.
As a result I spent a lot of time outside today. First thing I did this morning was walk to 72nd and back. Went down to the Strand around 6 PM (after the first knock down drag out screaming fight I've had with my mom in two years.) And I went out again just now. Walked down to 77th Street just for the hell of it. Was listening to the Beastie Boys tonight. Now there is a quintesentially New York band. "Root Down" is still my favorite, that one sounds more urban to my ears than any of their other songs.
And I feel renewed again. No wonder I used to do this all the time, it lifts my spirit. The way Anthony Keadis talks about L.A. in "Under the Bridge" is how I feel about New York. Like she's the one person in the whole world who'll never turn me out, who will love me because she made me, and will accept me with open arms no matter how fucked up I am or become.
It hit me last night when, at 2AM I grew hungry and realizing there was no food in the house, decided to go down to the 24 hour deli on the next block. Got down there, saw there was nothing in the entire place I wanted to put in my body, and was about to head back upstairs when I figured out what I wanted, a bagel. It was a gorgeous night and I was full of energy so I walked to to H & H, home of the best bagels in the known universe.
Now this was a pretty unusual move on my part considering that I hadn't been out walking that late in three or four years. I used to go for walks after midnight all the time. Freshman and sophomore years at Knox I'd venture out at all hours, roaming around the railroad tracks, up and down Main Street, past the big pretty Lutheran church on Seminary. When I was at BMCC I used to take late night walks on Amsterdam Avenue every single night. Cities are at their most motherly when all the hub bub has died down, and those were some particularly turbulent years so I needed the mothering.
But I stopped going on late night walks after a few years at Knox. Galesburg is a lot more threatening after dark than New York is. There are no people on the street, no cars on the road, no lamps shining light around shadowy corners. Galesburg at night is the sort of place where no one can hear you if you scream. I stopped feeling safe there, so I stopped walking.
I had a moment of panic as I left the deli. I thought to myself "No, I really shouldn't walk to H & H. I could get hurt, killed, raped, stabbed, harrassed, or a number of other equally terrible things." Stood out on the sidewalk for a minute before logic finally butted in and said "Carla, you used to make this walk ever single night. Nothing happened then, and nothing is gonna happen now." I liked her thinking, so I went with that.
And I'm so glad I did because...wow, I'd forgotten how centering it is to walk down Broadway at 2 AM. I've never been able to properly explain this to anyone but...I feel loved when I'm out in the city after dark. Everything is so peaceful. The buildings are all asleep, the sidewalks are empty, and the sky is just so big it feels as though the city is closing her arms around me. As if she's holding me to her breast and stroking my hair. I'm not a spiritual woman any more, even so I still find walking New York the most spiritually satisfying activity. Because the city breathes, she breathes with the life of a million people just living their lives. Being here I can't help be feel how closely we're all connected. The bonds may be tenuous, but they exist. It's hard to feel lonely out here.
So I walked down to 80th Street, and I was listening to "Take my Home Tonight" by Eddie Money on my discman, and it was perfect because that's just such a great late night walking song, second only to "Out on the Streets" by Bruce Springsteen. And I got my bagel, and it was good, and I came home feeling totally loved, accepted, and cherished, all because the city told me I was.
As a result I spent a lot of time outside today. First thing I did this morning was walk to 72nd and back. Went down to the Strand around 6 PM (after the first knock down drag out screaming fight I've had with my mom in two years.) And I went out again just now. Walked down to 77th Street just for the hell of it. Was listening to the Beastie Boys tonight. Now there is a quintesentially New York band. "Root Down" is still my favorite, that one sounds more urban to my ears than any of their other songs.
And I feel renewed again. No wonder I used to do this all the time, it lifts my spirit. The way Anthony Keadis talks about L.A. in "Under the Bridge" is how I feel about New York. Like she's the one person in the whole world who'll never turn me out, who will love me because she made me, and will accept me with open arms no matter how fucked up I am or become.
