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Crying on the Bathroom Floor
May. 3rd, 2004 05:16 pmThat's how I spent last night.
Last night was Mike and Danielle's farewell dinner. They're leaving for Portland in two weeks. Spent the morning being slave driven by my mother. I cleaned the living room and the dining room, top to bottom, and she was still completely unsatisfied. I had it all finished by 5 PM, two hours before anyone was slated to arrive, and she yelled at me for not having finished it sonner, even though she never specifically specified by what time she wanted it done. I told her it would be easier for me to please her if she fucking told me what she wanted.
Mike and I went to Staples to get my printer before dinner, but we had trouble identifying the correct model and I was already on edge, and mom had been barating me before we left telling me I had to get back quick to continue cleaning up the house, so we didn't have time to browse and ask questions, so I started crying because I felt rushed and upset, told Mike I didn't want a printer anymore and left him there while I ran home and closed myself off in the back bathroom.
Stayed in there all night. Didn't come out until everyone left around midnight. Mike tried to talk to me, asked what was wrong. I told him but all he could say was "it'll get better," which is of course one of the top ten worst things you can say to a depressed person. Besides, he actually has shit to look forward to. I on the other hand have lost all my friends, am stuck in a horrible job that I can't afford to quit, living with my mother whom I can't afford to leave and who continually reduces the amount of space I have in the apartment.
I have lost every last piece of mental and emotional space and comfort I once had. And there's no sign of relief in sight. I actually felt better lying on the bathroom floor crying, because for that time no one expected anything of me. They just left me alone.
I'm pissed off that Mike is moving. Even though I hadn't seen him in oh, five months or so, and even though he never lived up to any of his promises to spend more time with me, at least when he's here in the city I can hold on to the hope that maybe one day he'll make time for me. Now that he's leaving I can't. I'm upset that Danielle is now his number one priority when mom and I used to be. I could always rely on Mike to put me first. Now I don't have that anymore. And maybe it's selfish and childish of me but I want someone to put me first. I feel abandoned now that I don't have anyone who does.
Joan is mom's priority, Danielle is Mike's, and....well those are the only people I have in real life so yeah that's it. And naturally no one who doesn't see me on a regular basis is going to make me a priority in their life so...yeah.
The Lonely is here to stay.
Last night was Mike and Danielle's farewell dinner. They're leaving for Portland in two weeks. Spent the morning being slave driven by my mother. I cleaned the living room and the dining room, top to bottom, and she was still completely unsatisfied. I had it all finished by 5 PM, two hours before anyone was slated to arrive, and she yelled at me for not having finished it sonner, even though she never specifically specified by what time she wanted it done. I told her it would be easier for me to please her if she fucking told me what she wanted.
Mike and I went to Staples to get my printer before dinner, but we had trouble identifying the correct model and I was already on edge, and mom had been barating me before we left telling me I had to get back quick to continue cleaning up the house, so we didn't have time to browse and ask questions, so I started crying because I felt rushed and upset, told Mike I didn't want a printer anymore and left him there while I ran home and closed myself off in the back bathroom.
Stayed in there all night. Didn't come out until everyone left around midnight. Mike tried to talk to me, asked what was wrong. I told him but all he could say was "it'll get better," which is of course one of the top ten worst things you can say to a depressed person. Besides, he actually has shit to look forward to. I on the other hand have lost all my friends, am stuck in a horrible job that I can't afford to quit, living with my mother whom I can't afford to leave and who continually reduces the amount of space I have in the apartment.
I have lost every last piece of mental and emotional space and comfort I once had. And there's no sign of relief in sight. I actually felt better lying on the bathroom floor crying, because for that time no one expected anything of me. They just left me alone.
I'm pissed off that Mike is moving. Even though I hadn't seen him in oh, five months or so, and even though he never lived up to any of his promises to spend more time with me, at least when he's here in the city I can hold on to the hope that maybe one day he'll make time for me. Now that he's leaving I can't. I'm upset that Danielle is now his number one priority when mom and I used to be. I could always rely on Mike to put me first. Now I don't have that anymore. And maybe it's selfish and childish of me but I want someone to put me first. I feel abandoned now that I don't have anyone who does.
Joan is mom's priority, Danielle is Mike's, and....well those are the only people I have in real life so yeah that's it. And naturally no one who doesn't see me on a regular basis is going to make me a priority in their life so...yeah.
The Lonely is here to stay.
