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Half of me wants to be cuddled and coddled and told that everything will be alright, that I am loved by many. The other half wants to push away anyone who even attempts such affectionate behavior. This half doesn't want to be touched or spoken to. She definitely doesn't want to speak. She wants complete solitude, the total absence of human contact.
That's what happens when I get lonely, I long for the comfort of another's presence, for the affirmation such interaction would convey, that I am an individual worthy of spending time with. The part of me that wants none of it is the part that tells me I'm NOT worthy of company. That I should get used to being alone. I shouldn't rely on others for anything because no one will ever be there to help me.
I don't know which is worse, relying too much on others or not relying on anyone at all. Both options are so...lonely!!! Is there a happy balance? Is there a happy balance for me? What's the deal with me and my extremes? Why can't I sit happily in the middle, away from all the chaos? Why do I seem to like chaos so much?
That's what happens when I get lonely, I long for the comfort of another's presence, for the affirmation such interaction would convey, that I am an individual worthy of spending time with. The part of me that wants none of it is the part that tells me I'm NOT worthy of company. That I should get used to being alone. I shouldn't rely on others for anything because no one will ever be there to help me.
I don't know which is worse, relying too much on others or not relying on anyone at all. Both options are so...lonely!!! Is there a happy balance? Is there a happy balance for me? What's the deal with me and my extremes? Why can't I sit happily in the middle, away from all the chaos? Why do I seem to like chaos so much?
