Keepin it Real

Just woke up from a 5 hour nap. Mmm I needed that. Power is still on, and the news says the blackout officially ended at 9:03 PM.

Looks like I'll be up all night. Nothing unusual about that. At present I'm trying to figure out how to upload a picture onto my journal. I know how to do icons, but I don't know how to display photos, and the FAQ isn't really helping me.

Anyone? Anyone?

3:00 AM: Thanks Allie, you were a big help. Look everyone, this is the pic I took of myself on the new webcam approximately 5 minutes before the power went out yesterday.

In the Middle of the Night

Yay!!! Was just talking to Allie and she helped me figure out how to upload pictures. Not that anyone is clamoring to stare at my ugly mug, but I thought it would be nice just to give everyone an idea of who they're interacting with out here.

I'm not sure what to write, but since blaster is suppose to attack again tomorrow, I want to get all my thoughts out tonight so I won't have to fire up the computer at all tomorrow. Sure I've done everything possible to protect her at this point but...I'm still not taking any chances. No computer for me tomorrow.

I so missed my computer yesterday. I mean, every night I distract myself by writing in my journal and leaving feedback in everyone elses. I play Powerpets and Neopets, and I check all my email...three or four times. I watch my Court TV and somehow all the dead bodies calm me. You never realize how dependent you are on electricity until it's gone.

I'm trying to keep my usage to a minimum. right now all I've got running is the computer, the Tv, the fan, and one light. Thats it for the entire apartment. I ain't lettin the power go out on me again, nuh uh!

Last night I saw stars over Manhattan for the first time in my whole life. Didn't think stars shone over the city.

*sigh* I feel obligated to be all reflective and stuff but, after last night I'm not feeling up to it. Maybe I'll wax philosophic tomorrow.

Pride and Prejudice

Had a weird ass dream last night/this morning. I don't remember much of the first half other than it involved a TV show and Judd Nelson playing a character who betrays the protagonist. In the second half of the dream I was suddenly transported to an Arrested Development concert that inexplicably turned into a Counting Crows concert half way through. And when it was over there were really long lines to the bathroom, and I was waiting in line behind irishelf

I'm beginning to like my shape once again. Attribute it to my excessive grooming and excersize, but I looked in the mirror today and appreciated the way my clothes looked on me. I think I'm shrinking. My waist looks smaller today. Which is of course a great thing, but I'm happy I'm starting to like myself as is.

Maybe the affirmations and self-help books are working. I copy six different affirmations 36 times each everyday. I prefer writing them out to saying them aloud. It has the same effect and I don't feel as silly doing it. Last night I finished reading my child abuse recovery book. Now that I'm through it I can start putting some of the excersizes to use.

Okay, here's my latest rumination: I couldn't fall asleep last night/this morning. I laid down but simply couldn't relax. My body rebelled. It knew it was tired, but it wouldn't sit still. I felt like I shouldn't be resting, that I should be DOING something. And I began to wonder, was I always like this? And I realized that, no, I wasn't. I used to be perfectly capable of sitting down and relaxing for hours at a stretch. I didn't use to feel the need to be continually productive. I used to be able to watch TV and really WATCH it rather than divide my attention between the screen and some other activity.

So my goal while drifting off was to figure out at what point I started getting restless, and what caused me to become so. And I came up with two incidents, the first of which took place after I was first diagnosed as depressive when I was 14. My then doctor, as well as my mother were convinced that sitting around and doing nothing was what was making me depressed, and that if I were allowed to continually do so I would sink even further into depression. So just to get them both off my back I started to DO things. I'd go for walks, I'd hang out with people, I'd run errands. And I think somewhere in my head I began to believe it. I thought that if I stopped moving for two seconds I would fall into a deep and enduring depression. The only thing that would keep me sane was constant motion. So I'd wear myself, and only stop moving when my body became too tired to carry on.

I still do that, particularly when I'm upset. I just throw myself into something. What do you think all the theater I did last year was for? I was keeping my mind off Kirk. I was running myself ragged so I wouldn't have to be sad. Maybe that's why I've gotten kinda depressed since coming home. For the first time since he died, I've had to be still, and quiet, and my grief is finally hitting me. I know I haven't written much about Kirk in here, but I've been thinking a lot about him. Not since I returned from school has a day gone by that I haven't thought of him.

The second incident occurred my freshman year of college. We all know I flunked out of Knox after my first year, and later petitioned for readmittance. FY is just partied too much and didn't take my studies seriously, and my GPA fell lower than I thought a GPA could possibly fall. So when I returned to school I threw myself into my work, determined not to repeat my mistake. I stopped going to parties, I stopped the heavy socializing, and I just worked and worked anworked, and I was afriad that if I didn't put my work first, if I wasn't constantly reading or writing or whatever, that I would somehow manage to get kicked out again.

So I've come to associate idle hands with dire consequences. If I'm not in constant motion I will be punished, I'll get depressed, I won't be able to reach the goals I strive for. I need to teach mysel fthat this sin't true. that it's okay for me to rest and that it's good to rest. *deep cleansing breath* This is gonna take some work...Wait, doesn't that defeat the purpose? lol.