Slow Dog - SCN

My tummy hurts :-( I must be PMSing. When I'm done here I think I'll retire to the front bathroom, clean out the tub, and take a nice relaxing bath.

Hee hee, I just read feedback from Gayle in both of my journals. Must suck for her to have to read more than one of them in order to keep up with my life. Not that I write anything all that important on my livejournal. I think she prolly just likes that one cause all the Knoxians hang out there :-)

Anyhoo, the job interview didn't go too well. I'm not expecting to hear back from them. The lady who interviewed me didn't ask me any questions. She just told me what the company does and what I'd be doing and what the salary was, ya know, all the basics. And...that was it, I was excused. She didn't ask about my previous work experience, she didn't even ask stupid questions like why I thought I'd be right for the job. And I'm thinking, how the hell do you know if someone is right for the job if you don't ask them questions? It was extraordinarily odd, and I left with that "I shaved my legs for THIS?" feeling.

And I ventured to call Josh this evening. The Bar is coming up and since we hadn't spoken in...about two weeks I'm guessing, I wanted to see how he was holding up. Well turned out I called on a good night, the man was ecstatic because he had just landed his first job!!! A law firm out in Long Island has hired him and get this, they are paying him 45K to start and are gonna give him a 5K raise as soon as he passes the Bar!!! Now if that's not reason to want him in my life I dunno what is lol!!!

But seriously, he was just so happy. And I was happy too even though I was also jealous. We had a really nice talk. Again, it was a lot more relaxed and uninhibited than most of our conversations have been recently. We talked about books and movies and who will win in the Jason vs. Freddy movie. And we made plans to hang out on Thursday. We had to. After all I did promise to buy him a beer after he took the Bar. I mean to make good on that promise.

I feel really good when I'm talking to Josh and we'e both just being ourselves. None of that wondering what the hell is up between us. When it's just the two of us talking, not worrying about anything, the conversation is highly enjoyable. I hope we can start to do it more often.

I may attempt to buy some interview clothes over the weekend, even though no other job offers have rolled in. Gotta be prepared. I need new underwear too. I think Mom and I are going to Staples and Filene's tomorrow. Filene's has nice work shirts in my size. I may try some on.

Okay, that's enough for now. It's bath time. :-)

Inertia - SCN

A quote from the January 1st entry in Sark's Living Juicy:

"[P]rocrastination is rooted in over-functioning and low self esteem...Procrastinators are also tremendous perfectionists and relentless rehearsers. They rehearse over and over in their mind how they're going to do it perfectly- then when they do nothing- it doesn't disturb their perfect vision!"

I see a lot of myself in that paragraph. I spend an enormous amount of time in my head. I plan and fantasize, imagining how I will look and what I will wear should I ever go back to Crossroads to confront my childhood tormentors. I think of how I would like my body to look, how I want my career to shape up, how I will totally rock my next job interview and get offered a job I will love doing. I see myself in movies, on television, at book signings, I see myself doing everything I've ever wanted to do. In my head everything is perfect.

That's why I like it there, because it is completely void of any messiness. That's the one thing I truly cannot stomach about life, how messy it is. I don't like chaos. I like to know what's coming. I like routine and order. Surprises frighten me because they don't allow me to prepare for them.

Preparation is so important to me because I'm deathly afraid of doing things wrong. I guess that makes me a perfectionist, huh? If I can't do something perfectly I'd rather not do it at all. That's the kind of thinking that led to so many failed classes in college, but those failures never bothered me because I was able to prepare myself for them. Emotionally I knew what to expect, I knew I couldn't be perfect so rather than get a half assed grade I just decided to flunk all together. Why exert yourself if you can't give it your all or if your all isn't enough?

I try to figure out where my perfectionism and fear of the unknown come from, and as is typical in my particular case, I can trace it back to my mother. My Mom was a nightmare while I was growing up. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. She was so...unpredictable. Though she was never what I'd call happy, sometimes she was pleasant, and even kind. But other times she could just fly off the handle over the tiniest thing. I remember getting smacked for simply spilling orange juice.

That in and of itself wasn't so awful, what sucked was her inconsistency. Sometimes she would smack me for spilling things, other times she would say "oh don't worry it's okay." I never knew what behaviors were acceptable and which ones were not, I had to stay on my toes all the time. And while years later she would tell me that when I went nuts in high school she felt like she had to walk on eggs shells whenever I was around, she has yet to realize that I was walking on egg shells for her long before.

It was her inconsistency and unpredictability that made me afraid to do things unless I could do them perfectly. Never knowing if my behavior was acceptable or not, I needed proof ahead of time that whatever I was doing would not incure any wrath. If I couldn't have that guarentee I was paralyzed.

So I grew up shy and unable to speak for fear that anything I said would be ridiculed. I never wanted to do my homework because I was afraid of getting things wrong. I was afraid to make friends because they might not like me. My inaction is inherently tied to my low self esteem which is inherently tied to my mother's treatment of me as a child. It's all very Freudian.

I'm writiing about all this because I hope that by doing so I'll be able to understand, and eventually change it. Sark is right. Those of us with low self-esteem are notoriously perfectionistic. And the paralysis that comes from not being perfect leads to procrastination of things we want to and should do.

The Nightmare in Daylight

I hate this. Everytime I sit down at a computer to type or check email or even send out a resume, I feel brain dead. I feel like the screen is sucking every last bit of ife out of me. And why? Because I'm online WAY too much!!!

It's really getting pathetic. I know why I do it though. I have absolutely nothing going on in my real life. No job, no friends, no social life, no one to do anything with, and nothing that genuinely interests me. On a typical day I might leave the house once just to walk to the grocery store or to Barnes and Noble. But most days I'm just here, in my house, with nothing to do. I'm sick of television, books can't hold me forever, and music has lost all of it's charm, so i wind up online.

Out here I can type as much as I want, I can take online quizzes, I can talk to my friends hence creating a fuct sort of social life for myself, I can go places online and can do things. I love it out here. But I still hate it.

I hate it that I am so lazy and scared and inept that i can't even function in my real waking life. I sit on my couch all day feeling brain dead. Wow...so...wait, I feel brain dead whether I'm online or not. Guess it's lack of intellectual and social stimulation thats doing theis to me.

But, one way or the other, internet is where i like to be these days. I feel better out here. If I could be online all day everyday I think I would be. Isn't that sick? I'd say this is a depressive relapse but i don't feel depressed. Maybe it's just plain old fear. Fear of whatever the hell is out there... in the world. I never liked the world. I'd much prefer to stay away from it. So...I interact in a non world. A world where nothing is static, where everything is mutable and intagible. Without form a world can't hurt you, which is why I like it out here I guess. Nothing can hurt me, and my mistakes don't matter.

But how do I fix this? How do I get over the fear of...darn near everything? I don't know.

I can feel a self-exporitory new age kick coming on.

Horn Dog

You are the horniest of the horny. You want ass,
and you want it now. Lookout world, because
you are on a mission.


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