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Jul. 5th, 2003
Tainted Love - SCN
Jul. 5th, 2003 03:30 pmHey Journal,
The last few days have actually been eventful. Shock.
The night of the third, Mom took me out to dinner on a whim. We went to Hanafin's where the portions are so huge we still have left overs in our fridge. I'm finding that I actually enjoy spending time with my Mom when it's just the two of us. Providing both of us are in good moods. I mean, she takes me cool places, she laughs at my jokes, and listens to me ramble on about my nothing days. And the night at Hanafin's was nice because it wasn't planned. My Mom gets psycho when she has a schedule to keep. Then she starts worrying about arriving on time, and doing things just perfect and it's really nerve wracking for her and everyone around her. Hanafin's was just spur of the moment, let's go out, I don't feel like cooking kinda thing. My Mom isn't much for spontineity so that was a pleasant surprise.
Yesterday was a little different. Mike and Danielle invited us over to their roof for a 4th of July cook out on their new hibachi. I'd never seen their place before so I was all excited about going. And Josh had never called me back to let me know about his gig so...screw him, I was gonna spend time with my fam.
Well, about an hour before we were to head out Josh's roomate Theresa called. Said Josh had been trying to get a hold of me all week, but that whenever he called I was online (which just proves the boy has awful timing.) Anyway, she called to let me know where the gig was and to invite me along. I said I'd try to make it even though secretly I was kinda seething that Josh hadn't thought to call later in the evenings when I'm never online!
So anyway, I was a little annoyed when Mom and I left to go to Mike's. She was in perfection mode and that was only making me pissier. Granted, I wasn't in the best of moods by the time we got to the roof, but I simmered down after Danielle put a quesedilla and some caffeine in my gullet.
The new apartment is much nicer than the old one, more space, more privacy. We all sat out on the roof and ate burgers and watched the sky light up with fireworks. I asked Mike and Danielle how to write cover letters and from what they told me I have now officially concluded that there is no right way to compose a cover letter. It's a make it up as you go along task. Which is even more disheartening. I like rules. I like having instructions on how to do shit, I don't like flying by the seat of my pants. I don't trust myself enough. So without instructions how do I know if I'm doing it right? I hate uncertainty.
Anyway, around 10:00 PM I headed out to Williamsburg where Josh's band The Sores were playing. Had to walk right past Kirk's old house on my way to the L train. Hadn't been anywhere near it since I went there with Clark. It was bizarre. Made me feel weird, and sad. Hate thinking of Kirk in the ground, just hate it.
The bar where they were playing was pretty empty. I got there around 11:00PM, just as the first band was going up. Met all of Josh's band mates. Theresa was there as well. And...I dunno I just felt so out of place. Not only are bars just not my scene, but these people weren't really my people. His bandmates, though totally nice, are all goth/punk guys and...I'm so not. I was surrounded by people yet I felt totally alone.
And Josh wasn't helping matters. He didn't touch me AT ALL!!! Not even a hug. Nothing. And he introduced me as his "friend" Carla. So I guess I'm not his girlfriend. Fuck buddy is probably a little more accurate. That pissed me off. I have no desire to be anyone's fuck buddy. And believe me I realize how silly I sound especially after moaning about how much I didn't like Josh and how this will all end soon. Thing is, when someone likes you, you can afford to not like them, but when they DON'T like you, you really want them. Or maybe that's just me.
One way of the other, Josh and the guys played pretty well. I enjoyed watching them, they had fun...and managed to empty outthe entire bar. I left around 2 AM, but before I went Josh asked if I wanted to hang out on Tuesday, I of course said sure. Like I've said, I like him as a person I just wish I knew what the fuck was going on with us. I like being able to name my relationships. Ambiguity doesn't agree with me.
I got home at 3AM to discover that Mom had just finished setting up the pull out couch for me. She had turned on the air conditioner and pulled down my sheets, and I was so happy. We talked for a little bit, and I told her about my evening. And things were nice again with just the two of us talking in our living room.
For the first time in my life I'm beginning to like having a Mommy.
The last few days have actually been eventful. Shock.
The night of the third, Mom took me out to dinner on a whim. We went to Hanafin's where the portions are so huge we still have left overs in our fridge. I'm finding that I actually enjoy spending time with my Mom when it's just the two of us. Providing both of us are in good moods. I mean, she takes me cool places, she laughs at my jokes, and listens to me ramble on about my nothing days. And the night at Hanafin's was nice because it wasn't planned. My Mom gets psycho when she has a schedule to keep. Then she starts worrying about arriving on time, and doing things just perfect and it's really nerve wracking for her and everyone around her. Hanafin's was just spur of the moment, let's go out, I don't feel like cooking kinda thing. My Mom isn't much for spontineity so that was a pleasant surprise.
Yesterday was a little different. Mike and Danielle invited us over to their roof for a 4th of July cook out on their new hibachi. I'd never seen their place before so I was all excited about going. And Josh had never called me back to let me know about his gig so...screw him, I was gonna spend time with my fam.
Well, about an hour before we were to head out Josh's roomate Theresa called. Said Josh had been trying to get a hold of me all week, but that whenever he called I was online (which just proves the boy has awful timing.) Anyway, she called to let me know where the gig was and to invite me along. I said I'd try to make it even though secretly I was kinda seething that Josh hadn't thought to call later in the evenings when I'm never online!
So anyway, I was a little annoyed when Mom and I left to go to Mike's. She was in perfection mode and that was only making me pissier. Granted, I wasn't in the best of moods by the time we got to the roof, but I simmered down after Danielle put a quesedilla and some caffeine in my gullet.
The new apartment is much nicer than the old one, more space, more privacy. We all sat out on the roof and ate burgers and watched the sky light up with fireworks. I asked Mike and Danielle how to write cover letters and from what they told me I have now officially concluded that there is no right way to compose a cover letter. It's a make it up as you go along task. Which is even more disheartening. I like rules. I like having instructions on how to do shit, I don't like flying by the seat of my pants. I don't trust myself enough. So without instructions how do I know if I'm doing it right? I hate uncertainty.
Anyway, around 10:00 PM I headed out to Williamsburg where Josh's band The Sores were playing. Had to walk right past Kirk's old house on my way to the L train. Hadn't been anywhere near it since I went there with Clark. It was bizarre. Made me feel weird, and sad. Hate thinking of Kirk in the ground, just hate it.
The bar where they were playing was pretty empty. I got there around 11:00PM, just as the first band was going up. Met all of Josh's band mates. Theresa was there as well. And...I dunno I just felt so out of place. Not only are bars just not my scene, but these people weren't really my people. His bandmates, though totally nice, are all goth/punk guys and...I'm so not. I was surrounded by people yet I felt totally alone.
And Josh wasn't helping matters. He didn't touch me AT ALL!!! Not even a hug. Nothing. And he introduced me as his "friend" Carla. So I guess I'm not his girlfriend. Fuck buddy is probably a little more accurate. That pissed me off. I have no desire to be anyone's fuck buddy. And believe me I realize how silly I sound especially after moaning about how much I didn't like Josh and how this will all end soon. Thing is, when someone likes you, you can afford to not like them, but when they DON'T like you, you really want them. Or maybe that's just me.
One way of the other, Josh and the guys played pretty well. I enjoyed watching them, they had fun...and managed to empty outthe entire bar. I left around 2 AM, but before I went Josh asked if I wanted to hang out on Tuesday, I of course said sure. Like I've said, I like him as a person I just wish I knew what the fuck was going on with us. I like being able to name my relationships. Ambiguity doesn't agree with me.
I got home at 3AM to discover that Mom had just finished setting up the pull out couch for me. She had turned on the air conditioner and pulled down my sheets, and I was so happy. We talked for a little bit, and I told her about my evening. And things were nice again with just the two of us talking in our living room.
For the first time in my life I'm beginning to like having a Mommy.
